Dwight K. Schrute: This is called leveraging an offer. Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?
Michael Scott: Oh, God.
Dwight K. Schrute: I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits, and a better title at Cumberland Mills.
Michael Scott: Fantastic.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I turned it down.
Michael Scott: What? That would have solved all my problems.
Dwight K. Schrute: Out of loyalty to this company.
Michael Scott: Oh, you idiot. Go.
Dwight K. Schrute: So I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
Michael Scott: If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody.
Dwight K. Schrute: But then you wouldn't have me here.
Michael Scott: Big deal. Oh, it would have worked out so well.

Jim: I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal.
Michael Scott: [screaming] I'm gonna kill myself!
Jim: Wow.
Michael Scott: I'm going to kill myself and it's your fault!
Jim: That's an overreaction.
Michael Scott: Corporate is really breathing down my neck and they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month-
Jim: Is this you? Are you being you? Or is this Creed? Are you-
Michael Scott: I am- This is Creed.
Jim: Okay.
Michael Scott: I'm improvising. So just try to keep up. And I'm very angry.
Jim: Hold that thought.
Michael Scott: And I want- I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you for firing me.

Michael Scott: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel, took about an hour. Why do you ask?

Devon: Creed's an idiot. You know that.
Michael Scott: Well, he-
Devon: No, no, no, no, no, no. You had it right the first time.
Michael Scott: Well, maybe I did.
Devon: Exactly, you gotta go with your gut, man.
Michael Scott: [sighs] No, I can't- No, I can't go back. I would look like an idiot.
Devon: That's why I'm being fired? So you might not look like an idiot?
Michael Scott: No, it was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn and cutbacks, and-
Devon: God, this is unbelievable!
Michael Scott: I just hope that you and I can remain friends.

Dwight K. Schrute: What is that? What are you supposed to be?
Jim: I'm the three-hole punch version of Jim, 'cause you can have me either way, plain white Jim or three-hole punch.

Michael Scott: Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? A soccer ball and cleats.
Kelly: Why is that?
Michael Scott: Bend It Like Beckham.
Kelly: Oh, like the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?
Michael Scott: Yeah, that would be perfect.
Kelly: Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that.
Michael Scott: It'd be funny.
Kelly: I don't really play soccer or anything.
Michael Scott: Well, I don't really have two heads.

Michael Scott: I love Halloween. You know, it's just- But it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween, I came as Janet Jackson's boob. [laughs] It was topical. People got a big kick out of it. The year before that I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky, and before that I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year.