Dwight K. Schrute: What is this?
Jim: How did those get out? I'm sorry.
Dwight K. Schrute: Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes?
Jim: I was in Jamaica and I got lost. And it was getting dark this one night, and then out of nowhere, this guy comes with a cart and he's selling these. Dwight, he told me things about myself that there's no way he could have known.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a common swindlers trick.
Jim: Probably. Probably. So I buy some, I turn the corner, I feel like an idiot, so I go back to get my money, he was gone.
Dwight K. Schrute: So you wanna sell me magic beans? [laughs]
Jim: Correction. I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Nice try. No, correction. Terrible try.

Oscar: Wanna know how to do it? Here's how you do it. Take her out to dinner. Go down on one knee. If you are in costume, you did something wrong. If at any point you find yourself tying a ring to a dog's collar, stop and look at yourself.

Michael Scott: Here's the ring.
Pam: Holy [bleep] is that real?
Michael Scott: Yeah. They say, "Three years' salary".
Oscar: No.

Pam: Dunder Mifflin is having our first own garage sale. Like many Americans, we realized we had a lot of things that we really didn't need. And 10 cents of every dollar is going into the party fund so we can throw parties for ourselves.

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Yes, hello Mr. Flax this is Michael Scott, your daughter's boss. I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly because she is such a terrible employee. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm actually calling because I'm in love with her. I love your daughter, and I have for some time. And I would like to discuss my intentions with you... which are to ask her to marry me. And I was just hoping you would give me your approval. And this isn't a joke. So call me back, when you get this. And I look forward to speaking. Thank you.

Kelly: Are you serious? A half used candle? Get out of here Dwight. You're blocking my table with your giant body.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, cause there's a huge line of people waiting in line who want your spinster tchotchkes.
Kelly: Screw you man. People like my stuff.
Dwight K. Schrute: People like Ryan? Let me tell you about men like him. He comes over and you're like "Hey baby, let me light a candle" then you pull out this one half used and he's like "Uh! Who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast."
Kelly: You can take my Helen Fielding collection.
Dwight K. Schrute: And the Jennifer Weiner collection.

Pam: Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott: Hi.
Pam: Hi.. I just came out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.
Michael Scott: Oh, you know what, do you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
Pam: Why do you need more gas?
Michael Scott: Well, I'm writing a message.
Pam: Is it a good message or a bad message?
Michael Scott: I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
Pam: Are you proposing!?
Michael Scott: Maybe.
Pam: Wow.
Michael Scott: Hey you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam: Yeah. Yeah, no problem. [runs away with the gas can and lighter]

Michael Scott: Could you light this please?
Pam: Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.
Michael Scott: I am not in the mood for riddles, Pam.
Pam: This is terrible.

Dwight K. Schrute: You got this kosher certified?
Ryan: No. I meant like, uh, it's cool, its kosher, it's all good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ryan, you have such an interesting mind. So creative. All these new business ideas and artistic projects. [laughs]
Ryan: Thank you. What you got there?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, its just Stanley's old photo album. I'm thinking about throwing it in the garbage. I mean, why would I want some random black mans old photo album on my bookshelf. I'm not James Franco.

Andy: [in a Texan accent] Hmm, I'm gonna play me a little ol' black mail card .
Kevin: Nice.
Andy: And call a proxy meeting to take control of Ewing Oil once and for all.
Kevin: No, you can't do that. You can't play a black mail card and call a proxy meeting in the same turn.
Andy: Why not? Seems to me we're just making up rules cause somebody forgot to staple the rulebook to the inside of the game like a normal human being.
Darryl: [also in a Texan accent] And I'm gonna play this here, "Share the wealth" card.
Andy: Oooh.
Darryl: Which entitles me to half of both of y'alls money, so if you don't mind...
Kevin: No, this card is from the wrong game. This is from "The Game of Life".
Darryl: It was in the box.
Andy: Well played.
Darryl: Thank you.
Andy: We must honorably adhere to the rules we are making up on the spot.
Kevin: No, but that's not fair.
Andy: Well that's Dallas.
Darryl: Dallas indeed.