Michael Scott: Okay, everybody, listen up! Thank you for coming. Before we get started, I want to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies. [revealing a poster of Meredith] That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: three Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: four Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming, barking killer.

Michael Scott: Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?
Oscar: Like what?
Michael Scott: Like park on it. Or dig up a body. Toby? Do you have anything you wanna tell us?
Toby: No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact, I had some good luck recently. Alfredo's pizza picked my business card out of the basket, so I get a week of free pies.
Pam: That's cool.
Toby: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.

Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know. On the other hand, it does leave less money for bat birth control.
Jim: Bat birth control.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait. This money's going to bat birth control, right? That's what you told me when I contributed.
Michael Scott: You didn't contribute very much.

Michael Scott: That fettuccine is hitting my stomach like a rock.
Dwight K. Schrute: You got nothing to worry about. I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race.
Michael Scott: Excellent! Simpsons! Wait, Imodium or ex-lax?
[cut to:]
Toby: I'm making great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break halfway through a race like this, but not today.

Angela: This is Sprinkles. She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year. Just a couple of kittens. Out on the town.

Michael Scott: Finishing that 5k was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more Fettuccine Alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Today, I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart. And while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that.

Michael Scott: This is going be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protégé Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Andy and Dwight are rocking the sales team. I feel very blessed.
[As Jim pulls into his spot, he slams the breaks on as Meredith rolls across the hood of his car]

Sadiq: Generally it's not a good idea to click on any internet offers that you haven't requested. What was the exact offer?
Pam: It was for a video.
Sadiq: Yeah, well, what kind of video?
Pam: A celebrity sex tape.
Jim: Really? What kind of celebrity?
Pam: Not relevant.
Jim: How much you paid for it?
Pam: Not relevant.
Jim: You paid for it?
Pam: It all happened so fast!

Kevin: Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret. Right?
Oscar: I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. Could be other things.
Kevin: Are you kidding me?

Michael Scott: [on the phone] So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.
David: Back? Why is that, Michael?
Michael Scott: Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.
David: Oh, no. Did you do this on purpose?
Michael Scott: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will-
David: Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so... Double jeopardy, we are fine.
David: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is "we're fine"?