Angela: I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to, um, get a sample of my baby's DNA to prove he's the father. Which is impossible because the senator is the only man I've ever been with.

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, here we go. Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw a wrench in the works, but I want everything to be perfect and the baby's fingernails are just bothering me-
Angela: Uh-uh, leave us alone.
Senator Lipton: I guess we're okay with the fingernails.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, great. Suit yourself. Although, are those excess skin cells on the baby's cheek distracting to you as well?
Angela: Dwight, we're fine!

Andy: Damn it. Well, this is not going to be quite as delicious as I wanted, but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys. Not only am I not a lowly janitor, I am the regional manager once again! Guys, I got my old job back!
Jim: Oh boy.
Pam: Oh, Andy.
Oscar: What?
Andy: I'm not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back.
Oscar: David Wallace hasn't worked here in years.
Andy: Okay, yes, I see the confusion. I saw David at the fundraiser. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum "Suck It" to the U.S. military.
Jim: Andy, come on.
Kevin: Even I know that's weird.
Andy: I- I- Okay, I get how that sounds crazy.
Toby: Hey, Andy, nobody's calling you crazy, Andy. We're your friends, Andy.
Andy: Stop saying my name.
Erin: No, he's not making this up.
Andy: Thank you, Erin.
Erin: Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time.
Pam: But have you ever actually seen him yourself?
Erin: Oh my God.
Andy: Erin, come- Come on. You know I've been talking to David Wallace.
Toby: Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?

Nellie: May I say one thing?
Andy: It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever's on your mind.
Nellie: The quality of mercy is not strained.
Andy: No.
Nellie: It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.
Andy: Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card?
Nellie: It blesseth he who gives and he who takes. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest.

Andy: [wearing a stained janitor outfit] Hi guys.
Jim: How's it going, man?
Andy: [whimpering] I'm- I'm good, thank you. And how are you?
Jim: Great, yeah, good.
Gabe: Oh, how the mediocre have fallen.

Nellie: Oh God.
Andy: Look, I'm not here to get my old job back. I had my opportunity, I blew it, I'm moving on. I just wanted to come in here and literally beg you for something, anything. I will sweep the floors, water the plants...
Nellie: No, you don't understand-
Andy: Clean the toilets.
Nellie: I don't need anyone to-
Andy: Pull the poop out of the toilets.
Nellie: That's not even a thing.
Andy: Just, please...
Nellie: Andy.
Andy: Please!
Nellie: Andy.
Andy: Give me something!
Nellie: Why don't you clean the carpets for today?
Andy: Thank you.
Nellie: You're welcome. Up you get then. Pick yourself up. There it is.
Andy: Thank you.
Nellie: You don't need to-

Andy: I have a delicious secret.

Andy: Mmm, I can't hold it in any longer. Um, I am faking this, okay? Because I convinced David Wallace to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre. And at three o'clock today, he's gonna walk in here and reinstate me as manager.

Pam: [enters with the kids] Family picture!
Jim: Pam? No!
Pam: What? Honey, we talked about this.
Jim: No, we talked about not bringing them in to Dwight's photo studio/trap.
Pam: Yes, and then we decided that was crazy.
Jim: No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it.
Pam: No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember?
Jim: Nope.
Pam: We decided that there's no way Dwight would harm a child.
Jim: But are you a hundred percent sure? I don't think any of us are.
Pam: No, no.
Jim: Nope.
Pam: But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them.

Senator Lipton: Hello, Erin. Hello, everybody.
Angela: Uh, what? Why? Uh, hi honey. What- how are you doing?
Senator Lipton: Hi, you know, my office got a call that they were shooting family portraits right here. And if there's one thing that every politician instinctively understands, it's a good photo op.
Phyllis: [laughs] Yeah.
Angela: Heh.
Erin: Okay, you're going to go through the hallway. Here's a map. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line.