Meredith: Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine?
Dwight K. Schrute: This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.
Oscar: How would anyone even know-
Dwight K. Schrute: Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?

Dwight K. Schrute: Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [pokes Stanley's stomach with a stick] Oh, too much strudel.
Jim: So he's kind of like Santa, except dirty and worse.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, much better. No one fears Santa the way they fear Belsnickel.
Jim: Wow! It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority.
Pam: And the fear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, exactly!

Dwight K. Schrute: [German accent] Take a bowl and pass it down.
Phyllis: Thank you, Dwight. These are nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, these are gift bowls. When you receive a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The Belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable.
Jim: Oh, it's like naughty or nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, impish or admirable.
Jim: Quick question: Do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list?
Dwight K. Schrute: I decided earlier.
Jim: Oh, nice. Did you check that list?
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course I checked it.
Jim: But more than once? 'cause you could have made a mistake.
Dwight K. Schrute: I checked it more than once.
Jim: Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's-
Dwight K. Schrute: Impish or admirable.

Dwight K. Schrute: Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as... admirable. [Jim claps] There you are. [Dwight selects her gift and places it in her bowl]
Phyllis: Oh. What are these?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.
Phyllis: I'd rather have the bowl.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't have the bowl!

Dwight K. Schrute: Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year [looks over at Angela] ... as impish! [hits Oscar with a stick]
Oscar: Ow! You hit people with that thing?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool.

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, where are you going?
Jim: I have to go to Philly. But this was amazing. Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: But you work tomorrow.
Jim: Yeah, I know, I'd just like to settle in and get a good night's sleep.
Dwight K. Schrute: But we were gonna break the pig rib.
Jim: Ooh.
Dwight K. Schrute: Remember?
Jim: That's right.
Dwight K. Schrute: No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this- Off with you!
Jim: Perfect. Merry Christmas, everybody.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present?
Jim: You know what? Yeah. Have at it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! [Jim holds his hands like a bowl] I judge your year as impish. [hits Jim with stick]
Jim: Oh! Are you nuts?
Dwight K. Schrute: [hits Jim thrice more] I judge you impish!
Jim: Ow! Ow! Okay, that is three, and you didn't hit anybody that hard.
Dwight K. Schrute: They're not abandoning the party.

Pam: What's going on?
Dwight K. Schrute: Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. [to camera] And guess what, kids. Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight!

Pam: For what it's worth, I liked your party better.
Dwight K. Schrute: Everyone thought the food was gross, and that Belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak.
Pam: I don't think anyone thought that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party.
Pam: Well, that didn't have anything to do with you.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.
Pam: Zero.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn It!

Darryl: Meredith's a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, a Emma Stone thing.

Phyllis: I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.