Dwight K. Schrute: I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carole and vice versa. Michael said, "We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them."

Michael Scott: Billy, your nurse is hot.
Billy: That's my girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet.
Billy: She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili's. She was my waitress.
Michael Scott: Chili's is great.

Michael Scott: Willkommen. Bienvenue. And welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.
Stanley: Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael Scott: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled, welcome, all. Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let's get it started.

Michael Scott: Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?

Michael Scott: There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians: JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. "I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head." And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.

Michael Scott: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.

Michael Scott: Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America.
Oscar: Again. We do that every year.
Michael Scott: Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.
Oscar: It'd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering.
Oscar: Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge, compliments of Vance Refrigeration.

Michael Scott: So, get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.
Jim: That doesn't exist anymore.
Michael Scott: Comedy's very much alive, as are homeless people.
Pam: No, they stopped making that show.
Michael Scott: Well, then, they need our money more than ever.
Angela: You have to pick an approved, non-profit organization.

Kelly: Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it. Maybe he did it.

Jim: "Till Death Do Us Rock."
Pam: They're wedding bands.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now.
Jim: Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don't hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they're all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams.
Pam: There's a KISS cover band in here.
Jim: Let's do it.