Michael Scott: I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing.
Jan: [on the phone] Yeah, but Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee.
Michael Scott: Top 80%!
Jan: Michael? Yeah? You know that I'm very serious here.
Michael Scott: Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!
Jan: What?
Michael Scott: Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here.
Jan: I thought that you were their fearless leader.
Michael Scott: I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: Oh, I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Pam: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Michael Scott: What are you?... That's insane.
Toby: I have good cards.
Michael Scott: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So, don't be stupid. Just take it back.
Croupier: No, I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's gone all-in.
Michael Scott: Okay, all right, whatever.
Croupier: Flip them.
Michael Scott: You really su... Screwed that up.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: I don't really play cards, but I'm not gonna lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael.

Angela: We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity?

Bob Vance: Excuse me. Big moment. The evening's chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration, Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin.
Creed: Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator.

Creed: There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them.

Michael Scott: Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just- It's nice to know, at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, "Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening." Makes you feel good.

Dwight K. Schrute: Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim: I can always kind of win at roulette.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really?
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. How would you do that?
Jim: Mind control.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't be serious. [Jim stares at Dwight] Are you serious?
Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't believe you. Continue.
Jim: It was just little things, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
Jim: Okay, I'll try.
[The coat rack sways back and forth. Later, Pam holds up an umbrella to the camera]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, my God.

Michael Scott: I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works?
Darryl: Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse.
Michael Scott: It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place.
Darryl: Except my warehouse.
Michael Scott: Well, actually, it's my warehouse.
Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.

Jim: Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity. Let's take a look. Nice.
Pam: Oh, wait. That's Kevin. On the drums.
Jim: What?
Pam: On the drums! On the drums!
Jim: Oh, my God, that's Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he's the drummer and the singer.