Nellie: Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room.
Andy: You can't call a meeting. [laughs] But I would like to have a meeting in the conference room right now! So let's get in the conference room. Thank you. Good. Thank you for coming to my meeting.
Nellie: Okay, if you would like to take a seat we can get started.
Andy: Oh! Can't do it 'cause I gotta run a meeting. So.
Nellie: No.
Andy: Wanted to talk to all of you guys about [misreads whiteboard] importance... and know that each and every one of you is vitally important.
Robert: Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is "impotence."
Nellie: Which is important in its own way. So if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy.

Andy: I had a lot on my mind last night. And I didn't perform. Okay? It happens to plenty of guys. It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview.

Gabe: I've read- and I don't know anything about this personally- but they say prostate stimulation can help.
Angela: Ugh.
Gabe: This is just, uh- This American Life, I think I heard it on.
Robert: No, that's absolutely the case.
Gabe: I know, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: You know, my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only but I could let you rent it.

Robert: Andy, why don't you tell us about the best erection of your life? Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they'd like to share? [Creed, Kevin and Meredith raise their hands]
Kevin: Ooh, ooh!
Jim: Wow, what are we talking about?
Erin: Toby, doesn't HR have some rules against talking about this kind of stuff?
Toby: Erin, HR is a joke. I can't do anything about anything.

Nellie: Erin, on phone memos you're writing the date American style. Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year. Small, bigger, biggest. Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional.
Erin: Shut up. Shut up! I am sick of your dumb opinions. And if you don't like the way that I take phone messages, here! [throws phone] Take 'em yourself!
Andy: Oh, and another thing! Our sex life is none of your businesses!
Erin: And Andy is the manager, not Nellie!
Andy: Stop protecting me! I'm a man- I can protect myself! This is misdirected anger and I'm sorry! I don't mean to lash out at you! There's a lot coming up right now, all at once! [into phone] Dad go to hell, I'm taller than you!
Nellie: Okay, just calm down.
Andy: You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit.
Robert: Andy, why don't you just take a seat?
Andy: Why don't you take a seat, idiot? [throws chair]
Erin: And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels?
Andy: And your stupid face! [grabs Nellie's photo off the wall and smashes it on the ground] And your stupid office! [punches hole in the wall] Ah!
Darryl: He does not like that wall.

Ryan: Hey, I hear you've been bad-mouthing me to Kelly.
Pam: All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly.
Ryan: Well that's your opinion and it's her opinion, but it's not my opinion. If you have something bad to say to me, Pam, say it to my face.
Pam: Fair enough. Um... I don't think you're a very good person. And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before: I don't like you very much.
Ryan: Well, a lot of people would say that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is.
Oscar: Oh come on, Ryan. Really? Ravi's way better.
Ryan: For Kelly?
Kevin: Yeah. Man, you're insane right now. Ravi's the whole package.
Nate: I've never met Ravi personally, but I'm gonna go ahead and say, just having knowing you a short while, Brian, that I prefer Ravi. And again, I've never even met the guy.

Ryan: Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, so please don't interrupt.
Kelly: I wasn't going to interrupt.
Ryan: Well you do a lot, so just don't. Thank you. I know that I haven't always treated you the way that you, for whatever reason, feel you deserve to be treated. But I want to marry you, Kelly Kapoor. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and probably.
Pam: Barf! Ugh, you suck!

Ryan: Thank you. Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together. I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you. Nor should I. Modern marriages aren't built that way. Men aren't built that way. There's a very interesting article I can email to you. But I can tell you this. Even if the odds are fifty-fifty that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly.
Kelly: Ryan.
Ryan: Will you roll those dice with me?

Ryan: Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby.
Jim: Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do not shake the baby.
Ryan: Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot of times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you got to, um, you can't do that.
Pam: Don't shake our baby?
Ryan: Yeah.
Pam: Okay. I'd never heard that before. So, thank you.
Ryan: Oh, my God.
Pam: Yeah, I'm glad you said something.
Ryan: Me too.
[aside to camera:]
Ryan: Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome, if you're into Indian people. I'm not.

Robert: Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job.
Andy: No.
Nellie: It's the apology. I really have to insist.
Andy: [British accent] No.
Nellie: Stop saying no.
Andy: No.
Robert: Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So, is there anything else you wanna say?
Andy: No.
[later, to camera, holding a box of his belongings:]
Andy: I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel in control. I feel... alive.
Erin: Here- [grabs the box Andy's holding]
Andy: Ah. Da, da, da, da- I got it.
Erin: But you hurt your hand.
Andy: I. Got. It.
Erin: Right now?
Andy: Yes.