Mike: How's his speech?
Frankie: I don't know. I didn't write it.
Mike: What?
Brick: [clears throat] Hi, I'm Brick Heck. Or as most of you know me, nerd. [children laugh] I spend a lot of time locked in lockers here at Orson Elementary. And that's given me a lot of time to think. You may think I'm odd. And maybe I am. Sure, I'm the kid who makes you late for recess because we have to walk in a group, and I'm still in the bathroom pulling up my pants. [all laugh] Sure, I talk in a Scottish accent sometimes. [in Scottish accent] Don't knock it till you've tried it. [normal voice] But aren't I exactly what you want for your school historian? Someone who has no social connections whatsoever. Someone who'll take pictures of you doing fun things I have no desire to be a part of. But the main reason you should vote for me... is because I suck at basketball. And if I'm not elected, I will try out for the team. Do you really want that on your conscience? I don't think so. [cheering and applause]

Frankie: [v.o.] So Mike went to his next interview ready to play the game.
Doug: So, Mike, what is it about septic tanks that appeals to you?
Mike: Gosh, where do I begin? Uh... I think what you do is important for the community.
Doug: Well, there are a lot of important jobs out there, Mike. Why this one?
Mike: I just really like to work with my hands, you know? Just get in there and... Yeah.
Doug: Lot of jobs where you can work with your hands. Why here?
Mike: I just think of the reward of hosing out a tank and giving some lucky family a fresh new start. I mean, you can't ever really get to know somebody until you've gotten to know their waste.
Doug: But why septic waste?
Mike: Because the idea of putting on a rubber suit and goggles, and wading through human excrement sounds like the adventure of a lifetime. It's like being an astronaut here on planet Earth. I guess what I'm really saying is that septic waste is my passion.

Mike: Hi, I'm Mike Heck.
Barb: Ah, yes. The rockinfreakshow. Please, sit down. So tell me, Mike. What brings you to Hoosier Grain?
Mike: Well, you called me, told me to come in. And here I am.
Barb: Okay, how about you tell me a little about you? What are three words you would use to describe yourself?
Mike: Uh... Tall. Mike. Man?
Barb: Okay. Well, what would you say is your best quality?
Mike: Tall?

Barb: What's your worst quality?
Mike: Why would I tell you that? [chuckles] That would be stupid, right? I'm trying to get a job here.
Barb: If you were a color, what color would you be?
Mike: I guess I would stick with the color I am. Are you even allowed to ask me that?
Frankie: [v.o.] See, Mike couldn't play the game the way you have to in an interview. He just didn't have it in him.
Mike: Look, I've been a manager. I'm a hard worker. I've never been late in my life. What else do you need to know?
Barb: What superhero quality would you find most valuable to you in the workplace? Flying, invisibility, or stretching to extreme lengths?
Mike: [sighs]

Mike: It was awful. She kept asking me all these stupid questions that had nothing to do with the job. "How do I describe myself?" I don't. It was just stupid. It was stupid, and I told her so.
Frankie: Mike, you have to learn to play the game. You gotta suck it up in these things. Look, you have another interview tomorrow, and whatever crap job they're offering you, make them think it's your passion.
Mike: My passion is you and the Colts and the kids. Work is work.
Frankie: You can't tell them that, Mike. And thank you for putting me above the Colts.

Frankie: Oh, Brick, this says your campaign fliers are due tomorrow.
Brick: Oh, really?
Sue: Fliers are super important, Brick. I did fliers when I lost for student council, and when I lost for Teen Board, and when I lost for Junior High Homecoming Court. I just don't think you get it.

Axl: Hey, I made dinner. Whatever.
Frankie: Okay, what's this about? Did you get suspended? Did you crash your car?
Axl: No, I got paid and I wanted to treat. God, you're welcome.
Mike: Thanks, buddy. Twelve thousand more dinners and we're even.

Mike: Hey, here's a job. "Paleontologist's assistant. Must have Master's degree."
Frankie: That's not fair. You're qualified. You found the damn thing.
Axl: Trust me, Dad. There's no jobs out there, no matter how awesome you may be. Seriously. I texted my résumé to like three places last week.
Mike: You can't just text your résumé places. Times like these, you gotta get out there, work the shoe leather. Finding a job is a job.
Axl: I'd like to quit that job.
Mike: Well, the only way to quit that job is to get a job. And that's why you're going with me to the Orson Job Fair this weekend.
Axl: Oh, God, when do I get time for myself? Job fair? More like unfair.
Mike: When a fine young man like that can't get a job, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Axl: I told you, that's not how you get a job.
Mike: There wasn't anything else in the paper.
Axl: Paper. [laughs] Oh, that's hilarious. You know how I got my last job? My friend on Facebook friended this other dude who IM'd me saying: "Hey, you want this stupid job at Barnacles?" I'm like, "Yeah, whatever." He's like, "Cool." And I'm like, "Sweet."
Mike: I can stop worrying about America now.
Axl: That's how it's done, Dad. You gotta get online.

Frankie: Okay, not too neat. It's gotta look like an 8-year-old made it.
Bob: Frankie, I took Advanced Charcoal Sketch at the Learning Annex. I can't unteach my hands.