‘The Christmas Tree’
Season 5, Episode 9 - Aired December 11, 2013
Frankie is excited to have Axl home for the holidays but he would rather spend time with his friends. Brick inadvertently masterminds a Ponzi scheme when he must find a way to pay the school back for the Christmas wrapping paper he was supposed to sell. Meanwhile, Sue discovers she is allergic to real Christmas trees.
Quote from Sue
Frankie: [v.o.] Okay, since it's Christmas Eve, I'm gonna let you open your gifts from Grandma and Grandpa.
Sue: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What did you guys get?! Is it good?! Hold it up so I can see it!
Axl: [flatly] Wow, electronic poker. "Better than Pong." Awesome.
Frankie: Axl.
[Brick opens a t-shirt that is identical to the one he is wearing]
Frankie: Hey!
Sue: [gasps] They got me a book on interpreting dreams! I have always dreamed of getting one of these! I wonder what that means? Oh!
Quote from Sue
Courtney & Debbie: Happy holidays! Is Axl home?
Mike: Uh, sure. Come on in.
Debbie: Axl! Oh, my gosh. Look, Court. The Hecks are hosting a sick child for the holidays. Isn't that sweet?
Courtney: So sweet! Hi, bubble girl.
Sue: I'm not a bubble girl. I'm Sue. We've met so many times. I-I'm Axl's sister.
Debbie: No, I don't think so. Does Axl have a sister, Court?
Courtney: No, he's never mentioned a sick sister to me, Deb.
Sue: I'm not sick! I live here!
Courtney: That's right. You live! You live every single day like it's your last, bubble girl!
Debbie: [gasps] We're totally gonna do a charity fun run for you when the weather gets warmer.
Quote from Axl
Sue: Wait, who does George Clooney's aunt fall in love with?
Frankie: Bob, Bing Crosby. They sang a song together. Here. Let me go back.
Axl: Oh, no! No more going back! I can't believe this! All my friends from high school are back in town at the world's most awesome bonfire, and I'm stuck here, talking to you people, drinking cocoa water, and watching some weird German war movie where dudes sit around in bow ties, singing to each other! Don't you get it? I'm older now. I'm an adult, and I have rights. This is my vacation, too, and I'm glad you love the movie! I love bonfires! Well, you know what?! You can make me stay in this house, but you can't make me watch this movie! [goes to his room]
Quote from Mike
Mike: [hums Christmas music]
Frankie: [v.o.] Christmas spirit. This year, it hit the most unlikely of scrooges.
Frankie: Yeah, you don't have to be this excited my parents aren't coming for Christmas.
Mike: Yes, I do. No parents means no air mattress, no sharing the TV, no waking up to Tag reaching for a high shelf in his sleep shirt. Matter of fact, this year, don't get me any presents. You already got me everything I wanted.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Oh, Mike, I bought those special for Axl.
Brick: She wouldn't let me have one either. I got a half a Pop-Tart and an olive.
Frankie: Shh. I'm just excited that your brother's coming home for his first Christmas from college. Don't worry. Someday, I'll be happy you're here, too.
Quote from Mike
Mike: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on?
Axl: Apparently, Mom was planning to hold me hostage all Christmas.
Frankie: Oh, you think I'm holding you hostage? I'll hold you hostage. You're grounded!
Axl: What?! I've been home for three minutes, and I'm already grounded? Oh! This is the worst Christmas ever!
Mike: Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not start throwing that phrase around. This is the best Christmas ever 'cause it's just with the family... like God intended.
Quote from Axl
Mike: Let's have everybody just take a breath. Now, why don't you each make up a list of the stuff you want? And I'm sure we can come to a fair agreement and have the best Christmas we've ever had.
Frankie: I'm happy to do that.
Axl: Fine. [turns to leave]
Frankie: Axl?!
Axl: What, now?!
Quote from Axl
Axl: Okay, I've looked at the entire winter break, and I'm gonna write down the number of hours I'm comfortable spending with you people.
Frankie: Two?!
Axl: You may spend them all at once or spread them out.
Frankie: Axl!
Axl: What? God, why are you so focused on me? I liked it better last year when Grandma and Grandpa were here.
Mike: Hey. Don't even joke about that.
Quote from Mike
Frankie: Then I have to hold firm to Thursday. Thursday, we're having chili and doing the Christmas puzzle.
Sue: [gasps] I love doing the Christmas puzzle!
Axl: It takes like a year to do that thing, and there's so many missing pieces. It's just a bunch of wise men in robes looking at a hole.
Frankie: Listen, I'm not giving up the Christmas puzzle, but there is a little wiggle room on caroling with the church choir.
Sue: Oh, I love caroling! Dad, will you go with me?
Mike: Uh, sorry, Sue, but your mom already took it off the table.
Quote from Mike
Brick: Wrapping paper is all ready to be returned.
Mike: You better hope Santa puts an extra 97 bucks in your stocking, pal, 'cause this one's on you. Still, best Christmas ever.