Brick: Hey, Dad, I've been working on the family Christmas letter, and I want to run it by you.
Mike: Uh, not a good time, Brick. I just drove all the way to Jasper and then to Bedford 'cause they put a tree on hold for me, which apparently means "sell it to whoever walks in and asks for one."
Brick: You know, if you can make that a bit more interesting, I think I can squeeze it in this baby. Here's what I got so far. "Dear friends, merry Christmas 2014. What a year. Mom doesn't wear pants anymore. She's got an unsightly bruise on her hip that's been there since July. She says if it doesn't go away in a week, she'll go to the doctor. Finances weigh heavy on our minds. The sink fell through the counter last month, and now we wash dishes in the shower. Axl's football career appears to be over, as he dropped the ball... both literally and figuratively." I'm very proud of that part.
Mike: Yeah.
Brick: "Mom and Dad stay up late worried about Sue doing something with Darrin called 'losing it.'"
Mike: Whoa! Brick, you can't say any of that stuff.
Brick: Why not? It's all true.
Mike: Yeah, well, that's exactly why. Christmas letters are just for the good things that happened in the last year.
Brick: Oh. Well, that's gonna be a lot harder. And shorter.
Mike: [chuckles] Yeah.

Frankie: Well, at least someone has a passion for the holiday. The kids are just so blah.
Mike: So, we start later in the day. Who cares?
Frankie: Don't you get it? Now that they're not little anymore, the magic is gone. Remember when they used to wake us up at 5:00 a.m. and jump on our bed?
Mike: I remember you cursing into your pillow.
Frankie: "Damn it" isn't a real curse.
Mike: You didn't say "damn it." You said...
Frankie: The point is, once you made me get up, I just loved how they couldn't wait to open their presents. And now all they want are gift cards.
Mike: I remember you cursing about having to go out and shop...
Frankie: The holidays are stressful! That doesn't mean you don't like 'em!

Rusty: I'm telling you, man, it's a golden opportunity.
Mike: I don't know, Rusty.
Rusty: Come on, Mike, how many llamas can I put you down for?

Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] It's a bell you can't unring It's a song you can't unsing It's a gift you can never take back That's why it's best to stay on track And wait 'til marriage [talks] Okay, everybody. I'll see you next week.

Sue: Isn't Reverend Timtom amazing?
Brick: Eh, beats grocery shopping with mom. Ever since I outgrew the cart, it is much harder to read and walk.
Reverend TimTom: Hey there, Brick. Can we rap a sec?
Sue: I can rap a second, Reverend Timtom. What's up?
Reverend TimTom: Hello, Sue Heck. I actually have a question for Brick. You know, our Christmas pageant's coming up... "JC's Rockin' Birthday Jam." And I'd sure dig it if you'd be one of my wise men. 'Cause, Brick, you're the wisest man I know.
Brick: Hmm. Well, it is the holiday season, and I'm not as busy as I'd like to be, so, sure.