Brick: I'm going all soups. I love their soups. Thousand Island, ranch, blue cheese...
Sue: Brick, those are salad dressings.
Brick: No, I don't think so. They have ladles and bowls right next to them.

Sue: Oh! And then, one time, someone called asking us to participate in a short survey, and I told them we were busy, but we weren't. I totally could have taken the survey.
[later:]
Sue: I was voting for the Teen Choice Awards, and I voted twice. I just love Kaley Cuoco so much. [Reverend Deveaux turns a lamp on] Thank you.

Reverend Deveaux: Whoa, whoa, whoa. W-we're just getting started. What this team needs now is one more big huddle, where we lay out some goals...
Axl: No! No way! Look, I don't know what you think is happening here, but I got to tell you, this is not a family in crisis or whatever. Like, at all. I mean, yeah, some of the time, we can't stand each other, and if my sister goes to my college, I will be forced to change my name and get a cheap Mexican face transplant, but we are tight. We hang with each other and we goof on each other and we crack each other up, and we're always there for each other. I-I think that's because we have parents who every day, a million times a day show us what being a family is really all about. I mean, they have our backs, and we have theirs. And isn't that the whole point? Just having each other's backs? I mean, right? That's... basically what Jesus is saying. I know it's not pretty to look at, but we get the job done. It's like a... like a crappy-looking football team that manages to win 10 games every season. We win ugly. It's just how we roll.
Reverend Deveaux: Wow! Well said, Axl. To have a-a young man back up his team like that gets me right here. I really feel that. You know, I don't, uh... throw this type of compliment around often, but you guys are such a tight-knit group... You remind me... of the '87 Browns. Best of luck, Heck family. Go get 'em.

Brick: God, what I wouldn't give for some Thousand Island soup right now.

Reverend Deveaux: So, let me- Let me get this straight. Your folks left you with another family for a month after you were born, you still eat dinner in a lawn chair, and they made you wait 10 years for a lime-green jello salad? That ain't right.
Brick: Also, they never buy me the kind of toothpaste I want. Everyone likes peppermint, but I want wintergreen. I've always wanted to try wintergreen. [whispers] Wintergreen!

Frankie: [v.o.] There are few words that bring more joy to value-seeking Midwesterners than "All U Can Eat."
Frankie: Don't eat that! We're going to King Henry's Buffet. Oh, are you crazy? Do you not understand? We got a squatters coupon! We get to pick a table and stay there all day. We're having lunch, supper, dinner, second dinner, and dessert.
Mike: Okay. I got my game plan. I'm going cold to hot, concentrating on meats. You want to beat the house, you got to load up on the meats.
Frankie: Now, remember, when we get to King Henry's, everyone has to have one green on their plate. I'm kidding! How weird would that be if I was serious?

Reverend Deveaux: Now, I assure you, nobody's on trial here. I just like to reach out to families in crisis and, you know, offer some counsel. As the former assistant spiritual advisor for the Cleveland Browns for 1 and 3/4 of a season, consider me here to lift you up. But to do that, I got to able to get underneath. You know what I'm saying? And the deeper I dig, the higher we can go.
Frankie: Oh, we're plenty high. We are up there in the clouds. [Mike chuckles] I mean, we fight, sure, but we have fun, right? We do all kinds of fun stuff together. We, um... eat... and... Come on, people. Tell him all the other fun family stuff we do.
Sue: Oh! We play Twizzlestick. It's a really fun game I invented. It's where you're in a room and you have one body part showing and if nobody notices you when they come in, you get a point.
[flashback to Mike sitting down on the couch as Sue's leg pokes out:]
Sue: Twizzlestick!
[flashback to Axl grabbing some chips from the kitchen counter as Sue's head pokes above the table:]
Sue: Twizzlestick!
[flashback to Sue jumping in through the sliding door as Frankie reads a magazine in the kitchen:]
Sue: Twizzlestick!

Axl: Ooh. Baby sister's looking at colleges. Let's see. Purdue-- Pur-don't. IU-- I don't see you getting in there. Wait. No. No, no, no! Don't even think about it! East Indiana State is my school! Mom, Dad, make her stop! Seriously! [puts the brochure down the garbage disposal]
Sue: You know, I-I can go wherever I want, Axl. You can't stop me from thinking about it. I'm thinking about it right now!
Axl: What?
Sue: In fact, I'm gonna be thinking about it all day!
Axl: No. Make her stop thinking about it. Make her-
Sue: [sings] Oh, East Indiana, we will fight for you
Axl: No! That's not-
Sue: [sings] East Indiana, we will always be true
Axl: Don't sing our fight song!

Reverend Deveaux: So, Brick, what do you mean, you feel invisible?
Frankie: No. He's not invisible. Just ignore him.
Reverend Deveaux: Ignore him?
Frankie: No! Not "Ignore." It's just, he says things sometimes, but don't pay attention.
Reverend Deveaux: You don't pay attention to him?
Frankie: No, we do, but it's just, he's insignificant in this conversation. He's not invisible. [accidentally hits Brick] Sorry, Brick.

Axl: I am starving!
Frankie: I know, Axl. We all are.
Axl: No, you don't understand. I haven't eaten in four days. I went full bear mode. I literally have had nothing but a handful of Chex Mix and a plum in the last 96 hours. Let's just go. Let's leave him here!