Mike: Okay, you got to stop her.
Frankie: From what?
Mike: From sounding like an idiot, Frankie. She's telling people she saw Christopher Columbus on our wall.
Frankie: So what? She's excited. Who cares?
Mike: I care. It'd be fine if she was 5, but she's 16 now. She's got to grow up, or people are gonna think she's nuts.
Frankie: Okay, yes, she's a little innocent compared to other girls her age, but you should be happy about that. She's sweet and trusting and open to everything. That's what makes her Sue.
Mike: Look, I don't want to change her. I just want to protect her. I'm her dad. That's my job. She can be herself all she wants at home. But in public, she's just got to dial down the Sue a little bit, you know? That's all. Just so people don't laugh at her.
Frankie: Fine, we'll talk to her. I just want to be sensitive. [shouts to the trick-or-treaters] Move on, you little beggars! Can't you see we're not home?!

Sue: Hey, guys, what do you think about this for a headline? "The night I asked Christopher Columbus for a sign and got the Santa Maria. AKA The Sue-ance: I'm not kidding. It really happened. ... It's true. I'm totally serious." I had another one, but it was too long.

Sue: I'm telling you, I saw the Santa Maria. It was white and glowing and sailed right across the paneling in our family room.
Mike: Okay, Sue, let's be honest. That could be a million things.
Sue: Like what?
Mike: Oh, I don't know: the Moon, a shadow, the headlights of a car coming up the street.
Sue: Dad, headlights don't look like the ships of famous explorers.

Frankie: [v.o.] That night, as everyone drifted off to sleep, what Sue had said was in all our minds... some more than others.
[Mike gets up out of bed and walks into the living room and looks at the fire place. Just as he's about to leave, a light flashes across the wall]
Frankie: [v.o.] Was it headlights? The ghost of the Santa Maria? Or even a little bit of stardust? Who knows? Anything is possible.

Frankie: [v.o.] Fall in the Midwest means one thing and one thing only: football. And with Axl playing college ball for the first time, the pressure was on.
Axl: All right. We got to get this thing in the end zone. You go right. I'm gonna go left.
Hutch: Got it!
Axl: Ready?! Break!
[Axl and Hutch carry the water container]
Football Player: Let's go, freshmen!
Frankie: [v.o.] The thing is, Axl had gone from a big man on a small campus to a small man on a bigger campus.
Student: Here you go, freshman! [throws bag at Axl]

Mike: So, where's Brick?
Frankie: I got sick of him not emptying the dishwasher, so I finally punished him. I made him go to a party.
Mike: Wow. Pretty rough for just the dishwasher.
Frankie: Well, he pushed me too far. I told him if he doesn't shape up, he's getting a playdate.

Frankie: Axl, why did you take all my stuff out?
Axl: God, you are so selfish. You have all week to relax and do all the laundry you want.
Frankie: How many uniforms do you own?
Mike: They're hazing him, Frankie. Making him do their laundry. Brings the team closer together.
Frankie: Okay. I don't get men at all.
Axl: Yeah, I'm with you. This is really- [cell phone beeps] Oh.
Frankie: What are you doing?
Axl: Every time I get a text from a senior, I got to hop on one foot.
Frankie: But they're not even here.
Axl: Oh, they'll know.

Frankie: Hey, Brick. Hey, you never told me what happened with that Harper girl, hmm? Did you ever e-mail her?
Brick: Uh-huh.
Frankie: You did?! Did she write you back?
Brick: Yep. About five days ago.
Frankie: Are you serious? So, what did she say? What did you say?
Brick: Nothing. I haven't answered back.
Frankie: Brick, you can't leave her hanging for five days. Mike, tell him.
Mike: I gave him the bike idea. That's my best stuff.

Sue: Why are we hopping? How much hopping did I miss?
Axl: Brick's talking to a girl, and Mom's losing her mind.

Frankie: Oh. Got it. Hit her with a "jk" and a smiley face. Go. Typety, type, type!
Brick: She said, "Ha."
Frankie: Yes!
Sue: Good job, mom.
Axl: Yay!
Mike: All right. Now you got her on the hook. Now you just got to reel her in.
Frankie: Tell her you enjoyed seeing her at school today.
Mike: Ask if you can take her to lunch.
Axl: Oh, my God. Brick, don't listen to anything these people say. I mean, look who they ended up with.