Frankie: You got him the talking globe?!
Pat: Yes, I did, and I would do it again! The only good thing about getting older is you get to be popular. If I have to buy those kids' love, I will. Let's get that straight right now.
Frankie: We were trying to learn a lesson! We were all gonna be better people!
Pat: Yeah? Well, I didn't drive 140 miles to watch my grandkids learn a lesson. What, did you read an article or something? Relax! Your kids are gonna be fine!
Frankie: I just wanted them to have a heartfelt Christmas. You know, to appreciate the orange.
Pat: What's the orange?
Frankie: The orange in the stocking! Depression? Your mom got an orange? She was really grateful?
Pat: Oh, God, that? You get oranges year-round now. Who cares?
Frankie: I care! I care! I care!

Tag: She always flips out at Christmas. I think she gets too excited.
Frankie: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Don't you look at Mike like I'm the crazy one. He is right in there with me. You're driving him nuts! He hates it how you follow him all over the place, telling him all your stories! He hates it! He hates it to himself, but he hates it!
Pat: I told you to give Mike some space.

Pat: Okay, fine. Axl, listen to your mom and clean up your mess. [winks]
Frankie: I saw that.
Pat: What?
Frankie: You winked. You just winked.
Pat: Wh... There was something in my eye.
Frankie: No, this is something in your eye. This is a wink. I know what a wink is. It means, "Don't listen to your mom. She's crazy."
Pat: [gasps] It does not.
Frankie: Oh, yes, it does. Janet and I do it about you all the time. [Axl winks at Pat and she winks at him] Just wipe up the floor, Axl, before you leave the kitchen.
Pat: You heard your mother. [Frankie walks away] I'm already up. I'll just do it.

Mike: Frankie, 12 days?
Frankie: Mike, I gotta let 'em in.
Mike: Yeah, and you can, in eight days.
Frankie: Christmas is about family... Family that's outside right now getting very suspicious. Just relax. It's gonna be fun.
Mike: 12 days? 12 days is too long, Frankie. Nobody's fun for 12... [Frankie opens the door]
Tag & Pat: Merry Christmas!

Pat: There's my big, gorgeous son-in-law!
Mike: How are ya?
Pat: Are we late?
Mike: No, no. Uh, you're even earlier than I expected.

Pat: I brought... Fudge.
Axl: Awesome!
Sue: Thanks, grandma!
Frankie: Okay, guys, just a couple.
Pat: Oh, Frankie. It's fudge. It's Christmas.
Axl: Oh, mom gets out-mommed by grandma. Merry Christmas to me.

Tag: Hey! Anybody notice I grew antlers? I thought they'd be great for the family skit this year. [to Mike] Got some for you, too.
Sue: Dad, you're finally doing the skit with us?
Pat: Oh, don't worry, Sue. We're gonna get him this year.
Tag: Yeah, we've got 12 whole days to work on ya. [playfully punches Mike]
Mike: Oh, hey. Who's countin'?

Frankie: This is why your dad and I have decided to simplify things this year.
Axl: What?
Frankie: Okay. Guys, I just feel like we've lost the meaning of Christmas. Now grandma and grandpa are here. We have 11 more days. Wouldn't it be great if we, as a family, could rethink just doing what we always do and find a way to reclaim Christmas... the good parts? To truly experience the orange.
Sue: Oh, my God! They're not getting us presents!
Brick: What's the orange again?

Frankie: [v.o.] For seven days, Mike put up with my dad. But on the eighth day, he hid.
Tag: There you are!
Mike: Yeah! Just checking out the hot water heater. It's been acting funny.
Tag: Maybe I can help you out. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I met the weatherman, Storm McMartin? I mean, he was just walking along the street like nothing...
Mike: Oh! Hey, look at... Here it is. Yep. That's the problem. Better go to the hardware store, get another one of these. I'd ask you along, but...
Tag: Sure, I'll keep you company.

Pat: Okay, kids.
Sue: What's up, Grandma?
Pat: Well, your grandpa and I were chatting on the way down here, and we thought that we would give you all a little something extra... It's not your Christmas. It's just... for... a-fun.
Axl: $100! Oh, my God!
Sue: [screams] Grandma, you're the best!
Brick: My first Benjamin!
Frankie: Mom, that's an awful lot of money.
Pat: Oh, well, we can't take it with us, right?