Sue: Axl be quiet, and please let our pretty young mother finish telling us about the presents.
Mike: Well, we thought instead of going crazy buying piles of crap, we could give you just a couple special things that would really mean something to you.
Frankie: Yeah, and if you wanna get something for each other or your friends, you can earn the money. Or make something homemade, from the heart.
Axl: From the heart? Where is this coming from? It's Christmas!
Sue: Well, maybe it wouldn't be so bad... Thinking of something special we really want?
Axl: Traitor!
Brick: Sue!
Sue: It's kind of a nice thought. I know one thing I would really like is a new diary. [Frankie places a diary on the table] Oh, my God! How did you know?
Frankie: We found it under a sweater on Brick's train set. It's exhibit D.

Frankie: [v.o.] Even Axl surprised us and got into the spirit.
Axl: So, since we're doing this lame-o simple thing, and there's no way I'm spending my own money on you, I'm giving you the most awesome gift of all... the gift of me. Oh, but no hugging, no touching, no contact of any kind, and you've gotta decide within the next three seconds or the offer's void.
Brick: [talks with toothpaste in mouth] [whispers with toothpaste in mouth]
Axl: What?
Brick: [spits] [talks normally] I want you to build me an igloo.
Axl: Oh, whew. I thought you were gonna make me read.

Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, the simple Christmas was bringing people together, even more together than some people would have hoped.
Tag: Heh! There you are! Hey, did I ever tell you about my neighbor, Stan? Found a tumor behind his eyeball big as a grapefruit. Big as a grapefruit.
[later, as Mike gets a midnight snack:]
Tag: There you are! You like the quiet of the night, do you? Oh, me, too. I love the quiet. My favorite part of being quiet is when two people get together...
[later, as Mike clears the driveway:]
Tag: Hey! There you are! What's that, snow you're shoveling there? You know, I knew three guys died shoveling snow?

Axl: So, what do you think, huh?
Brick: I thought we were doing a second story. Where's the reading nook? I was hoping it'd be next to the hearth.
Axl: A hearth? Oh, my God. This is, like, the first thing I've actually finished in my entire life, and you don't even appreciate it? Not very orange-y of you, is it, Brick? I'm gonna go inside and get something to eat.
Brick: If you built the kitchen I asked for, you wouldn't have to go in.

Frankie: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Axl, what are you doing? You're getting the floor all wet.
Axl: Are you on me, too? 'Cause I'm not a professional igloo builder. I'm doing my best.
Frankie: Clean up your mess.
Pat: It's just a little snow. He's a teenager. That's what they do. [hand gesture]
Frankie: Uh, what was that?
Pat: What was what?
Frankie: This. You waved me off.
Pat: Don't be ridiculous, I did not. [hand gesture]
Frankie: Aah! There! You're doing it again! I'm his mom, and I need him to clean up his mess.

Sue: Whoo-hoo! I am done spinning arrows. I'm rich!
Frankie: Wait, wait, guys. Hang on. Sue, you're making your own money. Doesn't that feel good? And, Brick, you were excited about those coupons you were making for us.
Brick: Let's be honest. I was never really gonna honor 'em, anyway.

Tag: [sings] Deck the halls with boughs of holly Da da-da da-da, da-da da-da [talks] Ah, it feels good to sing.
Mike: Not doing the skit, Tag.
Tag: Should we ask for help?
Mike: You know what we could do? We could split up.
Tag: Excuse me, there... uh... Kevin. Hey, listen, would you help my son-in-law out here? He's got a busted water heater. Show him the...
Mike: Nah, I'm good.
Tag: Don't be afraid to ask for help. My friend, Cecil Maynard, wouldn't ask for help. Guess what happened to him? Choking. Bam! Face first, right in his soup.
Mike: [snaps the element] Help me, Kevin.
Kevin: Whoa. Never seen one break like that through normal use. Unfortunately, we don't have this part in stock right now, and we're not gonna get it in until after the holidays. Sorry. You're looking at some cold showers.
Tag: I love a cold shower. You know why? Well...

Mike: He just keeps talking, Frankie. You know how I feel about talking. And he won't give up on that skit.
Frankie: You really should the skit.
Mike: What are you doing?
Frankie: Oh, Brick ate too much fudge. The poor kid just crawled behind the chair like a cat and barfed. I told my mom to ease up on the fudge. She wouldn't listen.
Mike: Aha! She's gettin' to ya! 12 days startin' to feel a little long, Frankie?
Frankie: For your information, this is the best Christmas of my life. Ugh! How much fudge did he eat?

Brick: Axl! Glossners!
Axl: Wh- What happened?
Brick: They looked at the igloo and smiled!
Axl: Dude, you left it alone? They're gonna try and destroy it! Get a rope, tennis racket, shovel, bicycle chain, and a frying pan!
Brick: It's all in there!

Sue: Would you two stop fighting? Look at us. We're fighting with each other. We're fighting with our neighbors. Christmas is supposed to be a time of peace and joy, good will toward men... Even Glossners. Somebody has to make the first gesture. I'm going out there!
Axl: What are you doing?
Brick: Don't, Sue, no!
[After Sue crawls out of the igloo, she stands on the front lawn and hums "Hark the Herald Angels Sing".]
Sue: ♪ Lu lu lu lu ♪ [takes a snowball in the face] ♪ lu... ♪ [takes a barrage of snowballs]