Frankie: Listen, you didn't know this, but Mike and I decided to do a more simple Christmas this year... You know, not about stuff and things, but more about family and being together.
Pat: Oh. I'm sorry. I... I-I didn't know. Okay, kids! Your mom wants you to give the money back.
Axl: What?
Brick: Mom!
Sue: No!
Axl: No, Mom, I'm not giving this back!
Sue: Mom, you can't do this to us!
Pat: Come on. You heard her. No money.
Frankie: No, no, no, no, no. You don't have to give the money back. Why don't I put it in your bank accounts, where it'll make a nice half a percent?
Axl: Ugh.

Mike: Good news. Found a replacement part in Terra Haute.
Pat: Tag's on his power walk. If you wait till he gets back, he can go with you.
Mike: Can't. Store's closing. Gotta go. [goes outside]
Brick: Hi, Dad. We're gonna kill the Glossners.
Mike: Okay! Have fun!

Frankie: [v.o.] It was the night before Christmas, and Mom was in her kerchief, and I was in my cap, and the kids were in the igloo trying to figure out how to kill the Glossners.

Frankie: [v.o.] After Sue crawled to safety under the car, I called a truce and sent the Glossners home and my kids to bed. After all, it was the eve of our first simple Christmas, and it was perfect.
Frankie: We did it. We didn't go overboard. Sue's getting the iPod she wanted, Brick's talking globe, Axl a new amp. You know what we filled this house with?
Mike: Hmm?
Frankie: Instead of gifts, we filled it with love. Does that make you feel good?
Mike: Yep. One more day.

Mike: What the hell?
Frankie: Santa?
Mike: No. Those are Santa gifts over there. I don't know what these are.
Frankie: "From Grandma and Grandpa." "From Grandma and Grandpa." Can you believe this? Can you believe that she would do this? I told her that we were doing a simple Christmas! Okay. Well, she's not getting away with this.
Mike: What happened to "Be patient" and "Christmas is about family"?
Frankie: Oh, screw that. Look at all these presents! You know what this is? This is a big winking wave-off from my mom. Yeah, well, I am the mom in this house, and what I say goes!
Mike: What are you doing?
Frankie: Getting these in the garage before the kids wake up! Come on! Stuff some in a bag.

Brick: Mom... Why are you taking our presents? Why?
Frankie: Uh... See, the thing is, Brick...
Pat: Frankie, what on earth are you doing?
Axl: Presents! Sweet!
Sue: [gasps] There's a kazillion presents over there!
Frankie: No, no, no! Hey!
Brick: Hey, guys, there's more of them over here!
Frankie: No...
Brick: Take it over there.
Frankie: Guys, guys! Did anybody look in their stocking and find a refreshing treat?

Frankie: ♪ Eight maids a-milking ♪
Pat: ♪ Seven swans a-swimmin' ♪
Tag: ♪ Six geese a-layin' ♪
Mike: ♪ Five golden rings ♪
Sue: ♪ Four calling birds ♪
Axl: ♪ Three French hens ♪
Brick: ♪ Two turtledoves ♪
All: ♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪
Frankie: [v.o.] It turned out to be one of our best Christmases yet. Everyone remembered it as the year Mike finally did the skit. And the kids finally learned to appreciate the oranges. And as for my parents and me? We're fine. 'Cause we know that no matter what gets said, we love each other, and after all, Christmas is about family. It's as simple as that.