Sue: Oh, my God. Is that the dishwasher? Does Dave know?
Mike: Yeah. He's helping me. He parked around the corner in case your mom comes. Come on. We're gonna hide it in your closet.
Sue: My closet? But why my closet?
Mike: 'Cause your mom won't look in here. She's gonna love it, right? Wait. Uh, do you like the bow? Is the bow too much?
Sue: No, no. The bow's great. This is totally gonna make up for that ladybug change purse you got her three years ago for her birthday.
Dave: What, like a joke?
Sue: No joke. For real.
Mike: Hey. She once told me she likes ladybugs.

Mike: Morning. Hey, a rockin' Santa. That works.
Frankie: What it really needs is a dishwasher. And guess what? I found one at Pioneer City Appliances, and it's only $200.
Mike: Frankie, we're not getting a new dishwasher. End of story.
Frankie: Oh, well, is that what we're doing now, making pronouncements? Well... I pronounce you a jerk. End of story.

Bob: And then my mom kicked me out of the house because I spilled juice on the couch, but it's all good. I'm staying at the "Y" and sharing a room with this giant dude named Patrick Standingbear, and he's not much of a talker, but just-
Axl: Yeah, Bob. My shift's over, so... [clicks tongue] I'm gonna go.
Bob: Ah. I'll see you at the Christmas Eve party, right, bro?
Axl: You're coming to the party?
Bob: Hell, yeahs.
Axl: It's "hells, yeah."
Bob: Hells, yeah, bro. See you then, bro. [fist bumps Axl]

Frankie: [v.o.] I know I said I didn't want to do this, but now that the party was up and running, I was glad I did. Even the hole looked festive.
Frankie: It's going good, huh? Nice party.
Mike: It is. So when do you think everyone's leaving?
Frankie: [chuckles] Mike, most people just got here.
Mike: I know, I know. Just sayin'. Tomorrow's Christmas. Just excited about presents and stuff.
Frankie: Since when?

Bob: Hey, bro. What are we laughing about?
Axl: Nothing, Bob. Just a teacher we have.
Emily: Yeah. [chuckles]
Axl: That's all.
Bob: So, uh, I don't know what, uh, my bro here told you about me, but, uh, it's all true. I'm a troublemaker. [chuckles] Look. I can put a whole candy cane in my mouth. [mouth full] Oh. [laughs] [coughs]

Nancy: I can't believe Mike won't let you buy a dishwasher.
Paula: Yeah.
Frankie: Nope. Old Ricky Ricardo over there wants to wait to save a peso.
Paula: Boo, Mike! Boo!
Nancy: Yeah. I hate to do this, Mike, but I'm with Paula. Boo! [women laughing]
Mike: Yeah, yeah. I get it. I'm very cheap.

Bob: Hey! Where you going, bro? [chuckles] I turned around, and you were gone. I'm gonna have to put a bell on you. [laughs]
Axl: Hold on.
Bob: I'm not gonna put a bell on him...
Axl: [lowered voice] Dude... We're not bros, okay? I'm 17, and you're, like, 40. Stop acting like a loser and go talk to somebody your own age.
Bob: Okay. That's what I was gonna do. Yep, you just confirmed what I was gonna do, and now I'm gonna go do it.

Paula: You know what you should do then? You should just let the dishes pile up.
Frankie: I did. Axl ate cereal out of a vase. [women laugh]
Nancy: Oh, Mike. Why don't you buy poor Frankie a dishwasher?
Mike: What can I say?
Darrin's Mom: How about yes? [women laugh]
Paula: Boo, Mike!
Frankie: Ohh!
Women: Boo!

Frankie: And then I find out that Mike has been test-driving trunk-trucks, and I can't even get a dishwasher. [all laugh]
Bill: Never change, Mike. You're making us all look good.
Frankie: Yeah, that's right. [all laugh]
Mike: Well, it's getting late.
Frankie: Oh, yes, Mike. It is. It's almost 11:00 on Christmas Eve. You know what that means. Time to run out to the drugstore to get my gift. [all laugh] Hey, this year I want the orange Tic Tacs. I am telling you, Mike is the champion of drugstore shopping. I mean, he will get you things you would never think would be gifts, like a footbath... [all laugh] Yes. Uh, astringent... Oh! Oh! Mothballs!
Paula: Hey, Mike, if you're getting me a Christmas present this year, I need a new stapler.
Frankie: [sings] On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Nothing [all laugh] On the second day of Christmas My true love gave to me... [talks] Everybody!
All: Nothing [all laugh]
Frankie: [sings] On the third day of chr--
Mike: [pushes in the new dishwasher] Merry Christmas.

Frankie: [v.o.] Well, after that, a lot of people decided to make it an early night. I guess once your husband rolls out a new dishwasher after you've spent the night trashing him, people can't get out fast enough.
Frankie: [gasps] I love, love, love my new dishwasher! Mwah, Mwah, Mwah, Mwah, Mwah, Mwah! Oh, come on, Mike. I really am sorry. Please forgive me. Please? Mwah, Mwah, Mwah, Mwah. Come on. In my defense, I never thought in a million years you would ever give me a gift this nice. I love you. You're the best husband ever.
Mike: Yes, I am, and you're the worst wife ever. You know, I may not be great at giving gifts, but you are really lousy at receiving 'em.
Frankie: Agreed. Now can we start making up? Hmm?
Frankie: [v.o.] So Mike and I made up... Twice, and my new dishwasher ended up being a surprise after all. It didn't fit. Mike got a dishwasher to fit a standard opening, but as it turns out, nothing in our house is standard.