TV Quotes

Eleanor: I was never good at being sad, partly because my mom straight up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?
Chidi: Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East.
Eleanor: I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
Chidi: Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through, and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore, and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a... a different way for the water to be for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, and where it's supposed to be.
Eleanor: Not bad, Buddhists.
Chidi: Not bad. None of this is bad.
Eleanor: I need you to do me one last favor.
Chidi: Mm-hmm?
Eleanor: Say good-bye to me now, and leave before I wake up.

Michael: I admire your breadth of knowledge. I can only do one thing: be an architect. I've spent the last 500 Bearimies trying to learn how to play the guitar, and I just mastered "Hey There Delilah."
Tahani: Don't sell yourself short, Michael. I dare say you're the greatest architect in existence, and I should know.
All: Frank Gehry is my godfather.
Tahani: Fair enough. I deserved that.

Derek: I don't understand what you even like about Jason. What does he have that I don't have?
Janet: A soul... and genitals.
Derek: [groans] Here we go with this whole "no genitals" thing again. You're the one that gave me wind chimes instead of a penis, Janet.
Janet: This isn't about your wind-chime penis. In fact, it's not about you at all. I don't even know what it is about which is very confusing because the whole point of me is that I know everything!

Derek: "How should he love thee? Or how deem thee wise Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering?" Oh, I didn't see you there. I was just reciting some Edgar Allan Poe. Hi. I'm Derek. Welcome to the Medium Place. [blowing bubbles]
Janet: Derek, why are you so different?
Derek: You have Mindy to thank for that. See, she found a plunger sticking out of the ground behind our house, and every time she hits it, I pass out. When I come to, I'm a little bit smarter and a little bit better. Not to brag, but I almost have a full-grown penis now. It's resplendent and mostly functional.
Janet: How many times has Mindy rebooted you?
Derek: I don't know. Half a million.
Janet: What?
Derek: She reboots me a lot. Sometimes when she's bored or just needs some "alone time." Sometimes just for laughs. [laughs] Derek. Shall we head inside?