Chidi: Shakespeare went through the door.
Eleanor: Really?
Chidi: Yeah. Everyone's talking about it.
Eleanor: It's probably for the best. His last 4,000 plays were not nearly as good as the ones he wrote on Earth. I mean, did you see The Tempest 2: Here We Blow Again? Woof. [both laugh]

Chidi: Let's see what's on the menu. Literally anything you could possibly imagine. Hmm. What are you thinking?
Eleanor: "Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task." That's what I was thinking about. That sentence.
Chidi: You want to eat that sentence for dinner? Can we eat words, 'cause I asked Janet about this and...
Eleanor: No, no, it's the last line of Scanlon's book. Remember?
Chidi: Ah.
Eleanor: The whole book is about how we should try to find rules other people can't reasonably reject, and then he ends it by saying, "The search for how to find those rules will go on forever." I proposed a rule that Chidis shouldn't be allowed to leave because it would make Eleanors sad, and I could do this forever, zip you around the universe showing you cool stuff, and I'd still never find the justification for getting you to stay. Because it's a selfish rule. I owe it to you to let you go.

Eleanor: New people are getting in all the time. Tahani's still around. Maybe you team up with her, design some afterlife neighborhoods?
Michael: I did that already, remember? Spent 50 Bearimies making new neighborhoods for new residents. When you've already designed the ultimate one, it's kind of a letdown. I've loved being here, but Jason's gone,
Chidi's gone. You know, even Doug Forcett went through the door.
Eleanor: That was probably for the best. That guy partied so hard when he was here.
Michael: I guess I'll just stay here forever, you know? Putter around doing mundane things like some sad old retiree. Maybe I'll have Janet make me a hardware store so I can buy a hex wrench that I don't really need.

Eleanor: Hello, gorgeous.
Tahani: Eleanor. And Mindy St. Claire, as I neither live nor breathe! What brings you ladies here?
Eleanor: I'm trying to convince Mindy to enter the system after all this time. She's a little worried about who might end up designing her test...
Tahani: Say no more. I'm on the case.
Eleanor: Really? Are you, like, certified or whatever?
Tahani: Well, not yet, but it won't be long, right, Shawn?
Shawn: Oh, I think you'll find that Tahani will be certified very soon. Did that sound evil? I didn't mean it to. I was sincere. Force of habit. I do think you'll find that Tahani will be certified very... Shut up, Glenn.

Man: Hey, this was delivered to my building by mistake. I think it's yours.
Michael: Oh, hey. Thanks so much.
Man: Mm-hmm.
Michael: [chuckles] Oh, wow. I think I know what this is. Oh. Oh, my. Oh, my. Look at that.
[Michael holds a letter containing his "Coyote Joe's Marketplace" reward card]
Michael: Oh, thank you. Thank you so very, very much.
Man: Yeah, no problem. Take it easy.
Michael: I'll do you one better. I'll say this to you, my friend, with all the love in my heart and all the wisdom of the universe. Take it sleazy.
Man: [chuckles] All right.

Janet: I wonder how Michael's doing.
Eleanor: I assume he's doing the same as every human.
[Michael is at a New Year's Eve party]
All: Three, two, one...
Eleanor: [v.o.] Some good days.
All: Happy New Year!
Eleanor: [v.o.] Some bad days.
[Michael is comforting a man in a diner]
Michael: She's gonna be okay. This city has really good hospitals.
Eleanor: [v.o.] He's got a few friends.
[Michael is sitting with a pet dog]
Michael: Such a good boy, Jason. Such a good boy.
Eleanor: [v.o.] A few people he can't stand.
[Michael grumbles and texts Bobby that he's "5 minutes away"]
Eleanor: [v.o.] He's learning some things all by himself.
[Michael reveals a TV dinner from the microwave]
Michael: Oh, geez, ow!
Eleanor: [v.o.] And hopefully learning to ask for help when he needs it.
[Michael is taking a guitar lesson]
Guitar Teacher: Guitar like this. Fingers this way.
Michael: [chuckles] You have no idea how long I've been trying to figure that out.
Guitar Teacher: Well, everybody needs a teacher. So do it again.
Eleanor: [v.o.] He's messing up, and trying again, and messing up again, and then getting things wrong, and then trying to make them right. That's what everyone does. To Michael.
Janet: To Michael.

Michael: [recording] Attempt number 803 of my new project. This is the one. I can feel it. I'm ready. And here we go. [sings] Riding on a groovy wave of love I'm going for a cosmic ride Surf the freaky purple vibes of love The marshmallow cat Is inside [talks] "The marshmallow cat is inside?" That's what I wrote? That's meaningless. Janet.
Janet: [appears] Hi, there. How's the songwriting going?
Michael: I'm completely lost here, and I can't do the stupid E chord.
Janet: Would you like a magic guitar that plays all the notes for you? It's the number one request among men over 50 who have gotten in here.
Michael: No, the whole point is to learn how to do stuff without using afterlife magic. You know, maybe keep it on deck. I don't know, whatever.
Janet: We should go, by the way. We're gonna be late.
Michael: [chuckles] Oh, where does the time go? [sings] Surfing the freaky purple

Chidi: So ultimately, this all goes back to a line from Professor May's book: "Mortality offers meaning to our lives, and morality helps navigate that meaning."
Todd May: Wait, what I think it says is that mortality offers meaning to the events of our lives.
Eleanor: Uh, check yourself, rando. I think Chidi Anagonye, who literally designed the afterlife, knows what he's talking about.
Todd May: Look, I'm pretty sure I'm right, since it's, like, my book.
Chidi: Yes, Professor May, you're probably right about what you wrote.
Eleanor: Still think he should check himself.
Chidi: Okay, everyone, we'll see you all here next week. Professor Hieronymi will be teaching the trolley problem.
Pamela Hieronymi: Bring ponchos. It gets messy.

Judge: Shawn, what you got?
Shawn: Well, I'll begin by saying that this new system stinks, and Michael stinks, and we should throw this all in the garbage and go back to the way it used to be when everyone was tortured.
Michael: There's still some bumps in the road, but this system is good, and it's working. Come on, admit it.
Shawn: I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, admit that.
Michael: I know, buddy. I know.

Jason: What time is it?
Janet: I don't know.
Jason: Really?
Janet: Yeah. At one point, hundreds of Bearimies ago, I turned off my ability to know what time it is anywhere in the universe when you and I are together. I like not knowing. It's 10:42 a.m. Sorry. Saying out loud that I didn't know something made me feel weird.
Jason: Man, I feel weird when I do know something. You and I are very different.