Eleanor: Hello! Hi, how are you? There has to be something bigger I can do than holding the door and waving. There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the Good Place.
Tahani: Wal... mart?
Eleanor: It's a place regular people go. You haven't heard of it.
Tahani: Look, I know this is tedious, but holding a door for someone is three points, and if you do it for everyone in the neighborhood, then that's almost a thousand points for just a start. Besides, all the big ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid. It's not as if you could, you know, "sacrifice your life to save others" or "change the consciousness of a nation." Both of which I did, by the way. Such fun.

Eleanor: Have a wonderful day. This is pointless. The ticker isn't even going up, and everyone's giving me the stink eye.
Tahani: Eleanor, everyone hates you.
Eleanor: Well, fork you too.
Tahani: No, this is good. Now that we know, we can actually do something about it. And I am an expert at mediating conflict, like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Michael: I just want to make sure that I have this right. Um... Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk, but rather someone named Jason Mendoza, a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.
Jason: I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.
Michael: And you two are married.
Jason: Hells yeah, homie. We love each other. She makes the bass drop... in my heart.

Michael: Okay. I think I figured this out. There is a real Jianyu, a Taiwanese monk who took an oath of silence at the age of eight. But, three months ago, he went into such a deep meditative state that he registered as dead, and when you died at that exact same moment, our system mistook you for him. Perhaps because you share the exact same IQ.
Jason: Cool.
Michael: No, not cool. He stopped learning at the age of seven.

Michael: Okay, so, now, this is sort of a quick litmus test, basic questions designed to tell whether you were fundamentally good or bad. Number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime?
Jason: Yes, I blew up a guy's speedboat after he sued me. [beep] And... I stole an old lady's fake leg once on a dare. [beep]
Michael: Did you ever have a personalized license plate?
Jason: Yeah, dawg. "I LUV BUTTS". [beep]
Michael: Have... Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Jason: Yo, the Chilis? I saw them in concert like 50 times. [beep] I once got arrested trying to steal Flea's bass guitar. [beep] Oh, that was another serious crime I committed. I should have mentioned that earlier. [beep] Is it just me, or am I acing this test?
Michael: Oh, this is bad. Oh, this is so, so bad. Oh, I thought I had everything under control when I found Eleanor, but somehow you are... you're so much worse.

Michael: Now, I'm about to show you some very sensitive information. The final point totals each of you achieved for all your actions on Earth. [ping]
Chidi: Whoa, your point total was crazy high, Eleanor.
Eleanor: [laughs] Oh, sorry, "Crazy High Eleanor" was my nickname in college.

Tahani: I accidentally saw these point totals when Michael was fixing the sinkhole. It gave me an idea. We will apply the formula to Eleanor's actions here in the Good Place, and if you earn enough new points, then we could argue that you should stay here.
Real Eleanor: Would that work?
Michael: Don't know, never had to prove someone belonged here before. But the judge will be here soon, and this is the best way to build our case. Now, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million. Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth, you have -4,008.
Eleanor: That's not great, but I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place until my point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces. [beep]
Chidi: You just lost five points.

Chidi: Yeah, I don't know what I love more about our morning hard-boiled egg routine, the eggs or the routine.
Real Eleanor: [laughs] Um, actually, this morning, there's a little surprise in yours.
Chidi: [gasps] "I love you." How cute. I love you too, egg.
Real Eleanor: Oh, no, no, Chidi, that... that's me saying that to you. I love you.
Chidi: Ohh. Well, that is... something.
Real Eleanor: I know you've gone through a lot, and now I'm throwing this at you, but I just... I had to tell you how I feel. I love you. No need to respond.
Chidi: Great.
Real Eleanor: Well, at some point, you'll respond, right? I just meant no rush.
Chidi: You wanna talk about eggs again?

Jason: Hmm, this isn't right.
Janet: I'm sorry, I've never kissed anyone before. Is one tongue okay? I can add more tongues.
Jason: No, that's not it. We're married now, but we still haven't told your dad.
Janet: Once again, Michael is not my dad, and we shouldn't tell him. If Michael finds out that we're married, then he'll know you're not Tahani's soul mate, and then he'll know that you're really Jason and not Jianyu. He'd send you to the Bad Place.
Jason: Mm, I don't want to lose you, girl.
Janet: I'm not a girl.
Jason: But also, I'm tired of living a lie. We gotta go public. I hate all this hiding. I want us to have the life we deserve.

Janet: And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening. So I agreed.
Jason: Love you too, babe.
Michael: [sighs] Janet. Please tell me how this could have happened.
Janet: Unclear. As you know, each time I am updated, I accrue new knowledge and abilities. My suspicion is that when I was rebooted, I bonded with Jason in a way that I have never bonded with anyone before. I seem to have gained a new understanding of love. I also learned how to do this. [does a hand trick]