Michael: Tahani Al-Jamil, elegance, grace, sophistication, but enough about your sister. [audience laughing] You know what the worst moment of Tahani's life was? When the last song played at one of her parties, and she would run off and cry because she still hadn't won her parents' approval. [laughter] You know the other worst moment of Tahani's life? Every other moment of her empty, pointless life! Hey-oh!

Tahani: We should've seen this coming. No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was, "Guess what, Tahani, I'm gonna be Batman."

Michael: I'd like to start by saying something I've wanted to say for a very long time. Surprise, idiots! You're all in the Bad Place. [Michael & Shawn laugh] That's right, nerds. Everything around you, all you can see, is an elaborate system of torture designed just for you.
Eleanor: Sorry, we're in the Bad Place?
Tahani: Why are you revealing this now?
Michael: Well, it was an experiment, and it worked, so my boss is promoting me. Sorry, I should've introduced you. This is my boss, Shawn.
Shawn: Hello, imbeciles. We need to study everything that happened here. There was a first version that collapsed, but the second has been a huge success. We'll be shutting this place down. The four of you will be brought to the real Bad Pace, where your brains will be removed, studied, and batted around a stadium like beach balls. Your arms will be peeled like bananas. That part's just for fun...
Michael: Right.
Shawn: And then you will be, you know, tortured forever.

Shawn: Hello, Michael. Shut the door. Have a seat. When you proposed this new form of torture, we all laughed behind your back. Some people called you names, like "the Thomas Edison of incompetence," or "that dick." But against all odds, it seems you've pulled it off. What you've done here is truly amazing.
Michael: Really?
Shawn: Yes, these reports are remarkable. Your humans are experiencing emotional torture at the same level of physical torture created by our squiggliest eyeball corkscrews. I'm jubilant. As a result of our success, I'm getting a seat on the High Council. We will greatly expand our neighborhood idea, and you will oversee the entire project. You are being promoted. Your Senior Staff pin. Congratulations. This is everything you've ever wanted.
Michael: No, this is everything I've ever wanted. Oh! This is everything I've ever wanted. Oh, wow! You're really happy?
Shawn: Can't you tell? I'm basically squealing like a birthday girl.

Michael: I designed this entire torture chamber around the absolutely certainty that when the going got tough, you would give up. That was the signature Shellstrop move. Do you remember once when your change oil light came on? You just abandoned your car in a parking garage.
Eleanor: Of course.
Michael: But here, faced with the toughest challenges I could throw at you, you never once stopped trying to become a better person. And I just... Why?
Eleanor: I don't know. I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, "Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar. You know, you didn't pay for that," or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store. That's not cool." Or "Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit, and he fell down. Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted to go back and steal more olives."
Michael: I get it.
Eleanor: This ethics stuff, it's hard, and it's confusing. It is such a buzzkill. But, it does get rid of the little voice. Because at least I'm trying to do the right thing instead of the crappy thing, and I've got to say, man, I don't miss the little voice.

Tahani: Jason... I'd never guess we would be where we are today, me, a prominent British philanthropist with award-winning legs set to marry you, a swamp dweller who once asked me if the Presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side. We don't make any sense together, and yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down, metaphorically speaking of course, because I'd never have it up in the first place. [chuckles] I'm not a factory worker. But you've helped me to see that there is more to life than just appearances, and I can't believe I'm about to say this but... I think I love...

Jason: Tahani, you're so smart. Every day you teach me something new about... art... and history... and why you shouldn't eat everything that smells good because sometimes, it's candles. You're basically, like, a hot genius teacher who sometime has sex with me, your student. That used to happen a lot at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School, but this time you won't be arrested. Oh, I love you, Tahani. Braap, braap, braap! Pew! Pew!

Tahani: I hereby pronounce you King Jason.
Jason: Dope. Where did you learn how to do this?
Tahani: The Hertfordshire Academy for Expressionless Girls. It was a finishing school I attended before Oxford, and then, of course, the Sorbonne. Do you know what, I don't think I ever asked you were educated.
Jason: I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in Northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.
Tahani: Didn't you get seasick?
Jason: No, sorry... they were tied together in a junk yard. It wasn't a very good school. For most of my classes, we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.
Tahani: You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is... deeply disturbing. And yet, I envy you. I was never allowed to goof off. Never even had a friend I could just be myself around.
Jason: Maybe I can be that friend. Or your husband.
Tahani: [chuckles] Okay, stop it.
Jason: No, no, no, I'm serious. Will you marry me?

Michael: Hey, I've got some great news. I've arranged for you to have a weekend getaway. I bet you're tired of being cooped up in this house, aren't you?
Tahani: I am a bit, actually. All this time indoors has degraded my skin from radiant to merely dewy. Me? Dewy?

Michael: What do you want from me, man? You want me to give you a golden nameplate for your office? Or you want a diamond bigger than Tahani's?
Tahani: No! Then this would be worthless.
Chidi: I don't want anything.
Michael: Oh. Oh, okay. Ah, I get it. I get it. You want me to admit that I was wrong. You want me to say, "Oh, Chidi, I'm so sorry because I didn't understand human ethics and you do. It made me feel insecure, and I lashed out. And, oh, please help me because I feel so... so lonely and vulnerable."
Chidi: Yes.
Michael: Oh, Chidi, I am so sorry. I, um... I didn't understand human ethics, and you do. And it made me feel insecure, and I lashed out. And I really need your help because I feel... so lost and vulnerable.
Chidi: Have a seat.