Michael: I screwed up. I'm owning it. I mean, I'm a superior being... I ought to act like one, right? So I really thought about each one of you, and I got you something that will make you happy. I call them "opposite tortures."
Eleanor: Do you mean presents?
Michael: Yes, that's better. Thank you. Tahani, here's yours.
Tahani: Holy mama. Is this a diamond?
Michael: Yeah. Honestly, I don't get the appeal. Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way. They're worthless space garbage. What you're holding right now... that's basically meteorite poop.
Tahani: [squealing] And I have the biggest piece!

Michael: What? I'm finding this incredibly helpful. I think I'm really starting to get it. Oh, I know. We'll do the one where you're in a boat next to a volcano, and you can either save 50 people, or one awesome dog or whatever.
Chidi: No, no, no, no, no.
Eleanor: Hey. Are you torturing us again?
Michael: What?
Eleanor: You don't care about learning ethics lessons. You're just torturing Chidi again, aren't you?
Michael: Busted.
Chidi: What?
Michael: [laughing wildly] I'm sorry. Old habits die hard. Not as hard as those people you crushed with the trolley, though. Boom!
Chidi: I'm sorry, is this funny to you?
Michael: Yeah. I thought that was clear from my laughter. Oh, come on. My bad. Look, I'm still on your team, okay? I just needed to let off a little steam. Phew.

Michael: These five people all need organ transplants, or they will die. Eleanor's perfectly healthy. Chidi, do you want to slice her open and use her organs to save the five sick people?
Eleanor: Chidi, Chidi, think about this. I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani. I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason. I'm your friend.
Chidi: I-I won't do it. As a doctor, I've taken the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm, and although five people will die, I cannot harm one innocent person to save them and forsake my oath. It's unethical.
Michael: Okay. Tell their families.
Chidi: What?
[After Michael snaps his fingers, the trio are now in a hospital corridor with a group of families]
Girl: Doctor Chidi? My daddy needed a heart transplant. Did you save his life? He was working, then a really bad man ran him over with a trolley.
Chidi: Oh! Come on!

Chidi: Okay, Michael... trust me. When it comes to human ethics, I just know more than you. I've been studying it my whole life.
Michael: It's just that it's so theoretical, you know? I mean, you know, maybe there's a more... concrete approach. Here, let's try this.
[After Michael snaps his fingers, he, Chidi and Eleanor are suddenly on a trolley car in a busy city district]
Chidi: Oh, God! Michael, what did you do? [trolley bell ringing]
Michael: I made The Trolley Problem real so we could see how the ethics would actually play out. There are five workers on this track and one over there. Here are the levers to switch the tracks. Make a choice.
Chidi: T-the thing is, I mean, ethically speaking...
Eleanor: No time, dude! Make a decision!
Chidi: Well, it's tricky! I mean, on the one hand, if you ascribe to a purely utilitarian worldview...
[Chidi is splattered with blood as the trolley crashes into the five workers.]
Michael: Okay. So... what did we learn?

Chidi: Michael, you've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?
Michael: Well, obviously the dilemma is clear. How do you kill all six people? So I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smush our five main guys. [off their looks] Oh, I did the thing again, didn't I?
Chidi: Yep. Ten more, buddy.
Michael: "People good." "People good." Why is that so hard to remember? People... What is it?
Chidi: Good.
Michael: Good.

Chidi: Good! But there's a lot of other versions of this, like what if you knew one of the people? Does that change the equation? Or what if you're not the driver, you're just a bystander? Or let's throw the trolley out altogether. Let's say you're a doctor, and you can save five patients. But you have to kill one healthy person and use his organs to do it.
Tahani: But that's not the same thing.
Chidi: Why not? It's still choosing to kill one person to save five, isn't it?

Tahani: But this is hard because the only trolley I've ever been on is James Franco's ironic trolley. It travels backwards from his penguin grotto to his garage of adult tricycles. Um... kill one, save five.

Chidi: This is an exciting day. We are going to tackle The Trolley Problem.
Jason: Is this a game? I go first. I call blue.
Chidi: There's no... this is... No, this is a thought experiment first introduced by British philosopher Philippa Foot in 1967. You are driving a trolley when the brakes fail, and on the track ahead of you are five workmen that you will run over. Now, you can steer to another track, but on that track is one person you would kill instead of the five. What do you do?

Jason: Listen, back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance group. Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
Tahani: Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.
Jason: No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of 1-13, but eight was highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.
Tahani: Why? It's not important.
Jason: Lately, you've been really down on yourself. But you're the most amazing person I've ever met... besides Michael, and he was constantly torturing us so I'd only rank him a ten.
Tahani: Which is worse than an eight? That's so unnecessarily confusing.
Jason: The point is: you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. I've never seen you dance, but I bet you're good. 'Cause you're good at everything. You're awesome. Be nicer to yourself.
Tahani: Thank you, Jason. From one eight to another.

Eleanor: Okay, bud, whatever is going on right now, just shove your feelings way down deep, plaster on a fake smile, and pretend you're having fun. Okay? Just like I used to do when someone started talking about their kids.