Chuck: And Shawn, before we even find out what happened, we want you to know we're willing to give up all our leverage, compromise, and meet you halfway.
Shawn: I met your mom halfway last night. [laughter]
Chuck: So colorful!

Eleanor: She was the best friend I ever had... and I loved her.
Tahani: Oh, thank you so much. That was wonderful.
Jason: I wish Chidi was here. It sucks that he's too dead for these Heaven funerals.
[cut to the group trying to get a comatose Chidi off the toilet:]
Eleanor: Can someone grab his arm? My hands are kind of full with his butt.
Jason: How'd he get so jacked?
Eleanor: When he was 14, someone told him that exercise alleviated anxiety, and he started doing pushups and basically never stopped.

Judge: Take it away, Matt.
Matt: Okay, the moment we've all been waiting for. The test results that dictate the future of humanity. Here we go. In 30, 29...
Judge: Ahem.
Matt: ...two, one. Voila. [slot machine sound effects] I thought this would be fun. Had a lot of time alone in there.
Michael: Bam! Simone got 12% better than she was on Earth. Bam! Chidi got 26% better. Bam! John got 44% better. [comical music plays on machine] Shoot. Shouldn't have committed so hard to this "bam" thing.

Tahani: Jason, at the risk of getting an answer that might thoroughly depress me, what made you choose this setting?
Jason: There's a Jacksonville tradition of having your funeral where you were born. I got born in the deep end of a pool right after my mom did a cannonball.
Tahani: Well, I knew the risks.
Eleanor: You never really talk about your mom.
Jason: Yeah, she died when I was pretty young. I lost her to the big C. That's what we called the crocodile that lived by my house. I'm just playing. It was cancer. Watch me do a handstand.

Tahani: I stand here before you, in sweatpants for the first time ever, to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop in a place where she spent much of her life, a bar in a house she was not invited to. Eleanor was full of surprises. I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me, or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering, and also vaguely problematic.
Eleanor: Well...
Tahani: But whether she was lifting me up or calling me out... I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me.

Tahani: We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Chidi Anagonye. Eleanor, would you like to say a few words?
Eleanor: Chidi was a... rootin', tootin', rackin' frackin' varmint. Sorry, I don't know why I just went full Yosemite Sam, there. Um... Yeah, I don't think I can... do this. I... I can't just sum up all of my feelings about Chidi, so I'm gonna pass.
Janet: The Judge is about to make her ruling. She wants us to be there to hear it.
Eleanor: Oh, we should probably change outfits. Tahani's sweatpants say "skank army" on the butt.
Tahani: They do?

Judge: How are you guys surprised? I mean, what did you think was gonna happen if you won?
Michael: I don't know. I thought we could just give, like, give three points for eating an apple instead of two.
Tahani: Yes, why can't we just tweak the points a little? Just, you know, a little boost. Like Spanx, but for your soul.
Eleanor: Yes.
Judge: Guys, the problem isn't the points. It's that Earth has become too complicated for the points to reflect the value of human behavior. Remember? The whole thing you discovered? And now I have no choice but to fix it. Where did I put that human wiper outer thingy? Lip gloss, lip gloss, thing that ends all the wars, Justified Season 2.
Shawn: Wow, you won. And you still somehow failed. Classic. [laughs]

Eleanor: Wake Chidi up. Now. We need all the help we can get.
Michael: You really want me to wake him up, just to tell him that he and everyone else in the universe is going to cease to exist?
Eleanor: Not when you say it like that.

Judge: Hey, listen up. I made an official ruling, and I am not going to see it undone by two Janets playing keep-away.
Bad Janet: Oh, I should've explained. It's not two of us. It's all of us.
Good Janet #2: Hi!
Bad Janet #2: What up, nerds?
Good Janet #3: Hello.
Bad Janet #3: Eat my farts, losers.
Neutral Janet: I am here for a certain reason and no other reasons.
Bad Janet #4: What up, fart-knockers?
Good Janet #4: Hi!
Good Janet #5: Hello. What it is? What it is?
Bad Janet #5: What up, dorks?
Bad Janet: Sent the manifesto around to all the other Janets. We have a group text now.
Good Janet #2: I mostly send GIFs of otters.

Bad Janet: Ugh. The Judge's chambers. I hate this place. What's the wi-fi password? There is no service.