Michael: Right, sorry. Uh... All right, so if we can't change the points, then maybe we can change what we do with the points. Yeah, we just need a brand new system for judging humans in the afterlife. We can do this, right?
Eleanor: Yeah, but in order to crack it, I think you know what needs to happen. There is literally only one person here who is smart enough and thoughtful enough to save humanity.
Jason: Fine. I'll do it.
Eleanor: Not you, dummy. Designing a better afterlife is the ultimate ethical question. Chidi spent his entire existence pondering the biggest questions. He is brilliant and empathetic. All he cares about is how best to treat other people, and he is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to do it. If we're gonna pull this off, we need Chidi back, and he needs his memories.
Michael: You want to take the most indecisive man ever born, stuff him full of over 800 different versions of himself, and then tell him he has, like, 45 minutes to save humanity? You think that will go well?
Eleanor: I don't know how it's gonna go. But he is our only chance, and it is now or literally never. Wake him up.

Michael: Shawn.
Shawn: Michael.
Michael: Bounces of me, and sticks to you. Wait. No, I messed that up. First, say something mean to me, really cruel, something that just guts me. You're totally gonna be glue.
Shawn: So it's come to this. We have finally arrived at the end of your pathetic attempt to prove that humans are more than just mobile turd factories, and you are going to fail again because that is what you do. You're a choker, Michael. And you're about to choke for the last time... Except for the eternity you're going to spend in the Bad Place being choked by me, who will be doing the choking.
Michael: Well, you're glue.

Judge: Michael... you came to me and said the points system was flawed, a system that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the earth. And I have come to the conclusion... that you're right.
Michael: I'm...
Judge: You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won.
Michael: Mmm-hmm. Well, that wasn't so hard now, what it? [cheers, laughter]
Jason: We did it! We did it!
Judge: The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.
Eleanor: Uh... Earth is what, now?
Judge: All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I am actually rebooting Ally McBeal. Because I'm rebooting everything. Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won.

Matt: Sorry, I can't reveal the results of the experiment until we get to the Judge's chambers.
Eleanor: Okay, where is everyone? Where's Simone and John and Brent and actually I don't care about any of those doofs. Where's Chidi?
Janet: Oh, he's on the toilet. Sorry, that's not enough information. The text subjects are frozen in stasis, so I put them in the bathroom, and I placed Chidi on the toilet, the best seat.

Eleanor: We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil, in the place she felt most comfortable, the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet.
Jason: Tahani was super nice, and she deserved for people to be nicer to her than they were. The only sad thing is that she never got over her speech impediment.

Judge: Real cute, honey. Where is it?
Janet: What do you mean? It's not in my void?
Bad Janet: No. It's in mine. Ugh. I feel like such a wiener hole saying this, but Michael wrote a manifesto, and I read it on the toilet. I don't have to poop. I choose to. Anyway, I'm with them now.
Shawn: Are you kidding me?
Bad Janet: Oh, get over yourself, you dork. The whole system is royally effed. Humans suck... but this isn't their fault.
Michael: You read what I wrote and it got through to you?
Bad Janet: Yeah, but I also used the pages to wipe my butt, so don't pop a stiffy just yet. Mm-kay?
Janet: Ugh. I am so proud of you.
Bad Janet: I don't care.
Janet: I think you do a little bit. [exclaims] Sister hug.
Bad Janet: Okay, get off me. Ew, ew, ew, ew.

Matt: Well, that's just... that's uncomfortable. Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
Michael: What's up? Tell us what happened. Did we win? Did we lose?
Tahani: Is humanity saved forever?
Jason: And did you find my Nintendo? I can't find it any... whoop. Never mind. I'm holding it.

Eleanor: Let's wake him up. You know, so I can, like, be reunited with the man I love. Snappy, snappy, memory fixy.
Matt: The Judge says no one gets unfrozen until she's ruled on the case. Oh, humans have to stay here. You can't see the numbers.
Eleanor: Hang on. I worked my ash off running this neighborhood for a full year, and I'm not even allowed to hear how we did?
Michael: Yes. And here's a bottle of tequila.
Eleanor: Okay, let us know how it goes.

Tahani: Regardless of what the Judge rules, this feels like some sort of good-bye.
Eleanor: Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee she'll keep us together. She might just snap her fingers and send us flying into different dimensions. How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?
Jason: Aw, man, are we gonna die again? We've died so many times. We've probably had, like, 15 funerals by now. It's getting annoying.
Janet: If it would cheer you up, I could tell you what happened at your original funerals. Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that...
Tahani: Uh, please stop. I don't want to hear it.

Tahani: Hang on. This is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling. Let's throw ourselves the funeral to end all funerals.
Jason: Awesome. And you know what they say in Florida: "If you don't like this funeral, just wait a minute."