Tahani: Oh, I see. It's a test of my ability to not care what people think of me. [gasps] Oh, no.

Bad Janet: I'm sick of smelling this guy's lumpy white ass. Can we get rid of him already?
Shawn: Yep. It's time. Follow me.

Waqas Al-Jamil: I don't know where we went wrong with Tahani.
Manisha Al-Jamil: I know, she is such a disappointment compared to her sister.
Tahani: Hello, Father. Hello, Mother.
Manisha Al-Jamil: Oh, hello, Tahani. We were just talking about how you're a huge disappointment compared to your sister.
Waqas Al-Jamil: Have a seat, we'd love to get your take.

Manisha Al-Jamil: It's nice to see you, Tahani. Apparently, wherever you've been, they've been keeping you well-fed.
Tahani: You know, I've actually risked quite a lot to be in this room right now, so if you could just not be cruel for maybe 30 seconds, that would be lovely.
Waqas Al-Jamil: Apologies, it's been a while since we've seen you. We have so much to tell you about your sister.
Manisha Al-Jamil: We've just heard the most wonderful news. Kamilah dedicated her last album to you.
Waqas Al-Jamil: Really? Well, she dedicated it to her fans and you're one of her fans.
Tahani: The whole point of this afterlife test is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me. And yet, even in this scenario, you are still talking about Kamilah. Which is exactly the point. I was never going to be enough for you. Never going to earn your respect. You know, I've done things that you would never have approved of. I died, dressed as someone in the service industry, I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto. [they gasp] That's right. Chewing it was deafening. And it's the happiest I have ever been.
Manisha Al-Jamil: Don't get upset, dear. You barely fit in that dress, and I'm afraid you're going to hulk out, as it were.
Tahani: Okay. I'm sorry we didn't have a better relationship. And I wish you both the best.

Judge: All right, fun stuff.
Eleanor: Yeah.
Chidi: Yeah?
Judge: Feeling good?
Eleanor: Very.
Chidi: I think so, yes.
Judge: Great. You're all going to the Bad Place.

Chidi: Okay, um, if I was the one who failed, could you at least tell me why I failed, for my own edification?
Judge: It took you 82 minutes to choose a hat.
Chidi: But did I at least choose the right one?
Judge: There is no right one. They're hats. Come on, man.
Chidi: Ugh.

Judge: I mean, look at us. Good times. All right, off to eternal damnation.
Michael: [o.s.] [yells] Hey!
Judge: Do you hear something?
Michael: [arrives through the portal] Oh! Hey, guys. How you been?