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The Burrito

‘The Burrito’

Season 2, Episode 12 -  Aired January 25, 2018

Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani and Jason appear before the Judge (Maya Rudolph) and plead their case. Meanwhile, Michael awaits his punishment from Shawn.

Quote from Shawn

Shawn: All right, idiot, any last words?
Michael: Go ahead and retire me already.
Shawn: Oh, you're not getting retired, Michael.
Michael: I'm not?
Shawn: No, retirement is a spectacle. Everyone would see the flaming ladles go down your throat. Everyone would hear your eternal shrieks of agony, blah, blah, blah, then they'd ask me what you did. I don't need that kind of scrutiny right now. So, I'm just gonna throw you in this unmarked room for the rest of eternity. And since it seems you love humans so much, I'll torture you like one. All you'll have for entertainment is that giant stack of New Yorker magazines.
Michael: Oh, come on. You and I both know I'll never read those.
Shawn: Of course you won't. But they'll just keep coming. [laughs diabolically]


Quote from Janet

Shawn: Goodbye, Michael. We will leave you with one of Bad Janet's classic farts. The smell will linger for 10 million years.
Bad Janet: All right, here comes the boom! Oh wait, actually, before I absolutely let it rip, I just have one more thing I have to do.
Shawn: What?
[Janet grabs Shawn by the neck and throws him against the wall]
Janet: It's me, Good Janet.
Michael: Janet. I thought you were a marble.
Janet: That was a trick. I realized if we wanted our friends to have any chance of survival, I had to learn how to do a lot of bad things really quickly. So, I did. Now I'm ready to go back to being nice again.
Shawn: What happened? [Janet kicks him up against the wall]
Janet: Okay, now I'll be nice again.

Quote from Eleanor

Eleanor: We've been through every argument. Contractualist, Kantian, "What would Superman do?", "What would Rihanna do"... are we missing anything? Hit me right now with your most obscure, boring-est, old white dude with a long wizard beard mumbo-jumbo.
Chidi: Okay, our friends are going to the Bad Place, and us choosing to go with them won't lessen their suffering. So, morally, we're allowed to go. But let's forget about the ethics for a second. After everything that's happened, don't we deserve to be together and happy for once? Judge?
Judge: [appears] Have you made your decision?
Eleanor: Yeah. We're not going to the Good Place. I mean, that was never actually an option, but for the sake of your test, we're not going.
Judge: What do you mean?
Eleanor: Well, I was 99% sure that going was the wrong move, but since our whole relationship has been me being sure of something and Chidi explaining why I was wrong, I owed it to him to quadruple check. The capper came when I realized... that ain't Chidi. The Chidi I know wouldn't argue that he should be rewarded while his friends got punished, and he would never "forget about ethics for a second." I don't know who this joker is, but it's not Chidi Anagonye.
Chidi: Wait, but what about the...
Judge: [makes "Chidi" disappear] Well done, Eleanor. You can take a seat and wait for the others. And can I have that medallion back 'cause it's actually a coaster for my sodas?

Quote from Tahani

Judge: Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms that I thought would entice you, but you weren't supposed to open any doors, and you couldn't resist confronting your parents.
Tahani: Sorry, everyone. But now that I failed, can I go back in and talk to Winston Churchill and Freddie Mercury?
Judge: No.

Quote from Jason

Judge: Jason, your test was about impulse control, and you showed great improvements, but you never asked if you could opt not to play. I mean, you basically told me, an all-knowing judge, to just shut up and go away. Do you realize how insane that is?
Jason: Not as insane as picking off the greatest quarterback of all time, Blake Bortles, to set up a last second game-winning field goal.
Judge: [imitates Jason mockingly]

Quote from Eleanor

Judge: Now, Eleanor's test was about her selfishness, and she actually...
Eleanor: I failed. I shoved an old lady down the stairs to get to the raw bar, 'cause I'm a shrimp fiend. So, we all failed, let's not dwell on it.
Judge: All right, shall we?

Quote from Judge

Judge: Oh, I am gonna miss you guys. I made a little video of our time together. [Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings" plays] Oh, look, there we are.

Quote from Jason

Jason: We gave it our best shot, guys. I say we go through the portal, get a good night's sleep, come back fresh in the morning. Try again.
Eleanor: Oh, Jason. I feel like you always understand about 20% of what's happening.
Jason: Thanks.
Eleanor: Sure.

Quote from Janet

Shawn: You had one job... torture four bad people forever. Not only did you fail, you're a traitor.
Bad Janet: You really junked your jeans on this one, you butterface.
Michael: I did what I had to do.
Bad Janet: Oh, you had to junk your jeans? [slaps palms with Shawn]

Quote from Janet

Michael: The point is, the four of them are in front of the Judge, and the Good Janet has escaped too. You'll never find her.
Bad Janet: Oh, you mean this Good Janet? [holds up a marble] I found her in, like, two seconds. She was wandering the halls being polite to people, like a chump. So, I marble-ized her. Keep her if you want. Maybe shove it up your wiener for safekeeping? I don't know, it's up to you.

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