Jason: Whoa. This is the Jacksonville SuperSuites Hotel ballroom where I had my prom and also traffic court.
Eleanor: But this has to be my party, because that's the bed pan that Stone Cold Steve Austin used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998! [gasps] It was a classic moment. Don't judge me.
Janet: I'm so sorry, guys. The Good Place uses your life experiences to plan the perfect party, but it's only designed for one person at a time. When you walked in as a group, it became...
Tahani: A mishmash of all four of us.
Eleanor: [sighs contentedly] It's perfect.
Jason: Um, no it's not, Eleanor, because there's no go-kart track and no monkeys. No offense, but you're being a real smooth brain right now.
Janet: See those Green Doors? You can use them to visit any time or place, real or imagined. Just think about where you wanna go, and what you wanna do, and walk on through.
Tahani: So, one could walk amongst the dinosaurs, or witness the very first production of Hamlet at the Globe Theater.
Jason: I'mma go Tokyo drift with monkeys! See you in a thousand years!

Michael: I am so honored by this gesture. This feels right. This will be my new purpose. Everything's falling into place.
Chuck: Great, let's get to it. Just put on this ceremonial robe.
Michael: Ha!
Drew: Boy, do you have the shoulders for a robe.
Daisuke: Just sign this scroll.
Michael: I've never signed my name before. What signature type to choose? A "Doctor Blob," or no, "Athlete who doesn't really care about the kid." Oh, wait, no. "Middle school girl with crush on Zac Efron." That way, I can put a little heart over the "I".
Chuck: Perfect, and here is your official medal.
Michael: Now I know what Mary Lou Retton feels like.
Chuck: And great, now you are officially in charge of the Good Place.
Michael: I'm sorry. "In charge"?
Chuck: Yup, you're the boss now. That was all legally binding, and we all quit, effective immediately. That is irreversible, so it's all your problem now. Don't try to find us, no take-backs. Okay, bye-bye!

Michael: Hello? Fellow Good Placemen? Anyone in here? "Ideas for improving the Good Place." Oh... "Music you can eat." Oh, boy. "Giant mini doughnuts, not just regular doughnuts. Dave will explain." Dave? Can you explain?

Chidi: Um, hi, are you, uh... Are you... Are you Hypatia Of Alexandria?
Hypatia: Yup, how's it hangin'?
Chidi: It's hanging really well! Um, I-I gotta say, I was expecting you to be still, you know, Ancient Greek.
Hypatia: Oh, well, we sort of stay current in this place. What are the big things from Earth recently? Um, the Industrial Revolution, the Manhattan Project, Gangnam Style... I feel like I get it.
Chidi: It's really her. I can just tell, somehow, it's Hypatia of Alexandria.
Eleanor: I know, babe. Yes, it is. Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor. This exuberant weirdo is Chidi. We're new in town. First question: How do you get the "of" in your name? Is it just, like, where you hung out the most? Like, am I "Eleanor of the Cheesecake Factory Bar"?

Hypatia: Wanna get a milkshake? I haven't been around newbies in a while. You're a little intense. Let's get a milkshake. Yeah, they make a milkshake here that's made out of actual stardust. It's pretty good.
Chidi: Okay! Yeah! Getting milkshakes with Patty.
Hypatia: Yeah.
Chidi: But can I ask you a couple of questions first? Uh, you were a follower of Plotinus, who claimed that contemplation of our ultimate reality...
Hypatia: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you... What's it called, um, a think-book-man? No, um... a think-read-book-man.
Chidi: A philosopher, yes.
Hypatia: Sorry! It's been so long, my brain is foggy. Listen carefully before I forget how to say this. You gotta help us, we are so screwed.
Chidi: We are?

Tahani: Hello. I'm Tahani Al-Jamil.
Paltibaal: I'm Paltibaal. Welcome to paradise.
Tahani: So, what's your story? Did you cure something, or invent something?
Paltibaal: I helped the poor in Ancient Phoenicia.
Tahani: Excellent! I once had a Soul Cycle instructor named Phoenicia. How did you die?
Paltibaal: I got a cut on my hand. The year was 2491 BC, so that's pretty much all it took. You got a cut, or you drank water that wasn't hot enough, and then boom, dead. I would've killed for a vaccine. Any vaccine. It's crazy that you guys just don't like them now.
Tahani: So what's your favorite part about living here?
Paltibaal: I mean, it's perfect. We're all having orgasms literally all the time. I died a virgin, so that's real crazy.
Tahani: Okay.

Hypatia: This is how I spend most of my time. Sitting in beautiful places, drinking my milkshake, slowly peeing into my pants, which instantly evaporates and leaves no trace.
Chidi: Sounds fun.
Hypatia: Mm.
Chidi: But didn't you want to tell us how we're all screwed?
Hypatia: Ah! Damn it! This is the exact problem! On paper, this is paradise. All your desires and needs are met, but it's infinite, and when perfection goes on forever, you become this glassy-eyed mush person.
Chidi: But... no! Because... No. Because, Patty, no!

Hypatia: Yes, I'm telling you. I used to be cool, man. I studied so much things. Art and music and the, um... The one with the number piles? Where I'd be like, "Two!" and you'd be like, "Six!"
Chidi: Math?
Hypatia: Yes! And then I came here where time stretched out forever, and every second of my existence was amazing, but my brain became this big dumb blob.
Eleanor: So we finally make it into the Good Place, and now we're just gonna become zombies? Why haven't you told anyone about this?
Hypatia: About what?
Eleanor: Dude!
Hypatia: Look, there's math on my shirt.
Eleanor: Come on!
Hypatia: Is it an "S" or a math?

Tahani: Have you seen Eleanor and Chidi? There's something very wrong with this party, and it's not just that the caviar is being served on top of Jell-O shots. We are the first new people here in 500 years, and no one seems to care.
Janet: I know, even the Good Janets are kind of weird. They're like, "Hi, there!" When I do it, it's cool, but when they do it, it's lame.

Eleanor: Hey, guys. Having fun? Great. So, little update. Um, the Good Place is a disaster. Everyone here is a happiness zombie, and no one is doing anything about it, because by the time they realize it's happening, everyone is too far gone to care.
Tahani: Oh, dear! Oh, hello, I'm Tahani.
Hypatia: Hi, I'm milkshake. Do you want a milkshake?
Chidi: Okay, we need to tell someone before we're too zonked out to remember why we're here. We need to find the Committee.
Michael: The Committee is me. I am Committee. It me.
Eleanor: What?
Michael: They tricked me. And put me in charge of the Good Place and then literally ran away.
Eleanor: And then what happened? The sorting hat put you in Hufflepuff? Roasted. Come on, I know we have problems. You can't expect me to ignore this.