Jason: I can't believe Michael betrayed us again. Why is it always the ones you most expect?

Michael: Hello, you dummies! [all laughing] This neighborhood was a labor of hate for many people here, so I thought that we should celebrate with an art form that we literally invented here in the Bad Place: the comedy roast! [all cheering] I see Jason Mendoza's here. Jason might not be the smartest guy in the world, but he is the dumbest guy in the world. Oh, Jason, buddy, all you had to do was to keep quiet, but you couldn't stop talking about Kendall Jenner or that dumb quarterback... what was his name? Derek Bortles? Always ranting about Derek Bortles. Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place, because they suck!
Jason: No, they don't. All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.
Eleanor: Don't take it personally. He just has to put on a show for the other demons.

Shawn: Before tonight's party, I'd love to talk more about your strategy for torturing Tahani. I'm impressed you were able to make her fall in love with Jason. She must be miserable.
Michael: Yeah. Humans make a lot of mistakes when they're horny.