Michael: Oh, wow! I was just on Earth. It was incredible. The... the traffic, the pigeons. And I saw this place that was, at once, a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! I mean, oh! The mind reels. A Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! Ah!

Chidi: So for Aristotle, virtue is practical. Goodness isn't something that a person just inherently has. It's something that she achieves through her actions. Questions?
Eleanor: Uh, yeah, a few. I wrote down "what?" "huh?" And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle. Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle"?

Eleanor: Okay, uh, where do I start? I'm not, like, the best person in the world. I'm a trash bag from Arizona, which is saying something. Our biggest exports are racist sheriffs and HPV.

Judge: How's it going?
Janet: So good. I mean, everything is going according to plan, and nothing is going differently from the plan.
Michael: Yes, that's a very not weird way to put it.
Judge: I'm just stretching my legs. Just binged like 300 episodes of NCIS.
Michael: Oof!
Judge: You know, I'm not a human woman, but that Mark Harmon can get it. You know what I'm saying?

Interviewer: [o.s.] Hey, Tahani Al-Jamil. I'm from "International Sophisticate Magazine." Mind if we ask you 582 questions?
Tahani: Sounds delightful.
Interviewer: [o.s.] Where are we, exactly?
Tahani: My pied-a-terre, just off the coast of "Barthelona."
Interviewer: [o.s.] What's one thing people don't know about you?
Tahani: That I was such a tomboy in high school. See?
Interviewer: [o.s.] Wow! Looking good. Okay, next question. Who would you say is the most famous person in your phone?
Tahani: "It's not about who you know. Enlightenment comes from within." The Dalai Lama texted me that.

Eleanor: Cool. I once got 12 out of 12 on a Buzzfeed quiz called "Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?"
Chidi: Congratulations?
Eleanor: Thank you. I'm going to be honest. I did cheat.

Tahani: I had almost died. And in that very moment, I decided to change my life. First, I cleansed myself of all the worldly possessions that had been weighing me down like anchors... the dresses, the jewels. I gave them all to Good Will. That's what I call Prince William. Since he'd married a commoner, I assumed he'd know some needy people they could go to.
Eleanor: Sure.
Tahani: Then I deleted all my celebrity contacts from my mobile.
[flashback:]
Tahani: Good-bye, Bono. Good-bye, The Edge. Good-bye, The Edge's real phone number that even Bono doesn't have.

Simone: So this is our MRI machine. Oh, don't... don't touch that. Each of you will get a chance in here eventually. Hopefully, none of you is claustrophobic.
Jason: Clausterphobic? Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus? Oh! The Jewish.
Eleanor: Are you from Florida?
Jason: Jacksonville.
Eleanor: Yeah.

Tahani: That should be fine for me. It's roughly the same size as Nicole Kidman's cryogenic anti-aging chamber, and I've never had a problem in there.

Eleanor: I'll be okay, too. Kinda of reminds me of the home tanning booth I lost my virginity in.