Eleanor: So how was the picnic?
Chidi: Oh, amazing. I mean, there were ants everywhere, but they were so helpful. They carried our wine glasses back and forth and they folded our napkins for us. They were so cute.
Eleanor: Wait till you see the otters who do our turn-down service. Listen, you might know Jianyu, the monk? He wants to join your philosophy study group.
Chidi: Oh, sure, we can get that up and running again. Maybe discuss some Lao Tzu and Confucius. Fun! Everything is so fun.
Eleanor: Perfect. Just one thing. So, he's been having kind of a hard time adjusting here. Apparently monks aren't the most social creatures. So just promise me you'll help him no matter what.
Chidi: Eleanor, I swear to you, I will look after Jianyu as if he is my own brother.
Eleanor: Wow. I mean, a promise from a strict Kantian like yourself is just about the most ironclad agreement in the universe. Okay. Bye-bye.

Chidi: So, Jianyu, would you like some...
Jason: Yo, shut up for a sec. I'm not a Buddhist monk. My name is Jason Mendoza. I'm a DJ from Florida, and I'm not supposed to be here. You gotta help me out, homie. I'm scared.
Chidi: Tea. I was gonna offer you some tea.

Chidi: Hey! Eleanor and Michael are here. What a fun surprise.
Michael: You've done some redecorating.
Chidi: Oh. Uh, yes, my apartment was decorated in one way, and now it has been... redecorated.
Eleanor: And how's Jianyu?
Chidi: I mean, you know how monks are. Calm, peaceful... Never, you know, shotgunning Cheez Whiz. I mean, what monk would do that? No monk! [chuckles] Anyway...I see you guys are still here.
Michael: We were just dropping by to ask a favor. Can you accompany Jianyu to the luau tonight? He still isn't really engaging with the neighborhood, and we were hoping you could help him break out of his shell.
Chidi: Actually, I don't think I can make it.
Eleanor: Oh, why not?
Chidi: I just remembered. I can make it, so I will see you there. Okay, bye.

Eleanor: So how are things going with Chidi?
Jason: Super easy. All I have to do is be myself, and he's constantly freaking out.
Eleanor: You have that effect on people, bud. What else can we do to mess up his life?
Jason: Mmm. Listen, E-dog, I know people don't look to me for plans or ideas or anything, but maybe we should ease off. He's pretty stressed already.
Eleanor: Please. He's not even dry-heaving yet. How many Tums did he take today?
Jason: Like 20.
Eleanor: Pfft, that's nothing. We don't stop until it's a whole bottle. Because the more miserable he is, the more he's going to teach you, and then everyone, and then he'll save humanity. He's like Superman with nervous diarrhea. Get ready. I'm gonna make that speech soon.

Eleanor: Hello and welcome! Is everyone having fun tonight? [all cheer] We have an exciting activity planned for all of you. You have all been given a magic lava stone. When you throw them into the bonfire, you will receive whatever your soul most desires. [crowd exclaims]
Michael: Step right up, Matilda. Give it a toss.
Matilda: [gasps] My childhood pet, Shel Turtlestein. Oh, hi.

Eleanor: Well, this was a huge success.
Michael: Chidi's an absolute mess.
Eleanor: Oh, we should pop open some champagne. Call those magic ants.
Michael: He's clearly being tested like never before.
Eleanor: Yeah, and now we need to ramp up the pressure.
Michael: Eleanor, he told an outright lie. We don't want him so freaked out that he can't help anyone else. I think we did enough for the day.
Eleanor: No way, dude. We can't stop now. We have to push him to the edge. We have to knead his fragile psyche until he's hyperventilating and losing his mind.
Chidi: [enters] Hi, guys, um... can we talk?
Michael: Yeah.
Chidi: I need to tell you a secret. I... [hyperventilates] I can't... [inhales]
Michael: [to the ants] No, no, guys, guys, not now.

Chidi: I spent my whole life on Earth battling a stomach ache because I never knew what to do. And for a while here, that was gone, but recently, I've been miserable.
Michael: Why, Chidi? You're in the Good Place.
Chidi: I know, but I have this problem, and if I choose option A... [gulps] But if I choose option B... [exhales] No.
Eleanor: You know, Chidi, sometimes adversity can lead to growth. Whatever the moral dilemma is, maybe you'll come out on the other side better for it.
Michael: Yeah. No. I'm used to moral dilemmas. I like moral dilemmas. They're my jam, but this just feels like I'm...
Eleanor: What?
Michael: Like I'm being punished somehow. And, obviously, I know that's silly. This is the Good Place. You two would never do anything to hurt anyone, but I am seriously worried that I did something wrong, and this is the universe getting back at me. [Eleanor whimpers] Oh, no. What's happening now? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, I made God cry? [Eleanor cries] Oh, stomach ache. Welcome back, old friend.

Tahani: I can't believe John. The man who once started a protracted Twitter feud with Jacob Tremblay thinks I'm the one with issues?
Janet: Maybe you need to be even more direct with him. Like, punch him in the face. I don't know. I'm fired up. You've just been very nice to him and I don't like the way he's treating you.
Tahani: Maybe it's not possible. We're just too different. He spent his life in the bowels of the Internet, jealous and miserable with no real friends, while I spent my life in the upper echelon of society... jealous and miserable with... no real friends. Oh, Janet. I've been going about this all wrong.
Janet: Exactly. Here you go. [summons boxing gloves]
Tahani: Oh, uh... no, I'm... [runs out]

Chidi: Why? Why are you crying?
Eleanor: This is all my fault. I promised I'd take care of you, Chidi.
Chidi: You did?
Eleanor: Yes. I promised.
Michael: Uh, see, Chidi, the architect is responsible for the entire neighborhood, so a resident suffering in any way, it's very painful for her. Actually, come here. Come here. But don't worry. We have a very simple solution for problems here.
Chidi: Oh, good. What is it?
Michael: We eliminate them. So you just tell us a problem, and we'll eliminate it, like, say you had a problem with that vase. [Michael blows up a vase] See? So just tell me what's bothering you, I'll wave my hand, it'll explode, and you can go back to your otherwise perfect life.
Chidi: Uh... the motorcycle. Yep. That's my problem. For some reason, it just hasn't been bringing me as much happiness as maybe it wasn't intended to, so I'd just as soon get rid of it.
Michael: Done.
[outside, the motorcycle blows up as Jason watches it:]
Jason: Oh, not again.

Chidi: Okay, Jason, new plan. Instead of just trying to not get caught, we're going to study ethics. I'm going to help you become a good person.
Jason: Oh, dope. I always want to get better. That's why I spent so much of my time at the free clinic.
Chidi: Hang on. Just editing my syllabus in my head based on that comment.
Jason: This is gonna be awesome. You rule. You're like the Pam Anderson boob motorcycle of people.
Chidi: Thank you. That's an amazing compliment. And I'm sorry your actual motorcycle blew up.
Jason: Oh, that's okay, homie. That's just what motorcycles do.