Jason: Dude, thanks to you, my dream came true. I have a shiny new budhole. You okay, homie?
Chidi: No! I've had a stomach ache for a week. There have been way too many close calls. Please, I beg you, no more meatball subs. No more drawing boobs in the dirt. I cannot lie to cover for you. Please remember you're supposed to be a monk.

Tahani: Morning, all. Anyone interested in a status report? I win. I mean, I'll start. I have made massive progress with John.
Eleanor: Great. Is he gonna join Chidi's class?
Tahani: Philosophy may not be his way forward. Genuine human connection shall be his course of study. And first up on the syllabus, he and I will be unironically watching the Britney Spears movie Crossroads together... [chuckles] And you'll have to trust me, this is a huge step in the right direction.
Michael: Wonderful work, Tahani.

Eleanor: So what's on tap for today?
Michael: Chidi's study group should be off and running. We can go check in on how Brent's doing.
Eleanor: If there's anyone that can turn that ash-hole into a good person, it's Chidi. My man used to collect action figures of famous philosophers. "Ooh, Eleanor, look, it's a near-mint Arthur Schopenhauer with a working quill!" What a dork. I love him so much.
Michael: Chidi might make the new humans better all on his own. It's so great he erased his memory. But, you know, it's also quite sad... for you in a way that I always think about and am respectful of.

Michael: Jason, there you are? We need your help.
Jason: Okay. Hand me the jar.
Michael: Of what?
Jason: The peanut butter jar. Get it. You said you needed help opening a peanut butter jar.
Eleanor: No, we didn't.
Jason: Oh. Then who said that?
Eleanor: No one. Shut up and listen.

Eleanor: We need your help with something very important.
Jason: Are you sure? I'm probably just gonna mess it up. Just like I messed things up with Janet.
Eleanor: Dude, helping to save humanity is as good a way as any to get over a breakup. I mean, it's not like Janet has a car you can key, or a house you can "Left Eye" Lopes.

Jason: Okay. I'm in. I got your back, guys. Now hand me that jar.
Michael: Are you speaking metaphorically, like the task we're embarking on is a metaphorical jar you're gonna open by accomplishing the task?
Jason: Yes.

John: So Natalie Portman does all of Scarlett Johansson's stunts? Why?
Tahani: For the power. Just to say she can.
John: [scoffs] Sure, I get that. [chuckles] Tahani, I feel amazing.
Tahani: Thank you. You're quite welcome! Hey, you know what would give you an even more luminous glow? There was this sort of inner treatment that was all the rage on Earth, the study of ethics. Think of it as a colonic, but for your soul! Our resident philosopher Chidi Anagonye leads an ethics study group in his apartment. What do you say you and I sit in?
John: Would I like to use my time in heaven to audit a philosophy class? Um... no. You stay crazy, girl! Bye.

John: Hey, girl. Want to hit up the spa tomorrow? I want to try that new Little Mermaid treatment, the one where they remove your vocal chords and it somehow makes your legs look amazing.
Tahani: Perhaps, but I was hoping to bend your ear on a more serious matter. The things you used to write, frankly... were hurtful.
John: What? Name one.
Tahani: I gained five pounds, and you called me "Ta-Hammy All-the-Meals".
John: I mean, that's just poetry.
Tahani: Well, you were so mean to Daniel Day-Lewis, he quit acting.
John: Oh, I'm sorry, was he living in character as a man who thought he could pull off boot-cut jeans? You know what? I see what this is. This has been a fake friendship. This whole week has just been a wind-up to a sucker-punch.
Tahani: No, it hasn't. I just want you to recognize that your blog hurt people. And you have a chance to be better here.
John: B'scuse me? You're telling me to be better? While you were gallivanting around with your fancy friends, I lived in the real world, so I had bills to pay. I worked 16 hours a day by myself building a site with millions of readers. You're the one with issues, sweetheart. If you spot it, you got it. Whoosh. That's another deuce for the gossip toilet.

Chidi: No! If you throw that stone, your truest actual desire will appear, and who knows what that is?
Jason: I do. My old motorcycle with Pamela Anderson airbrushed on the side. It exploded a week after I got it because someone wanted to see what would happen if they poured lighter fluid in the engine.
Chidi: Was that someone you?
Jason: Yep. Turns out it explodes. Called it. Look, maybe Jianyu the monk likes motorcycles. We don't know his life.
Chidi: No monk's truest desire is a motorcycle with Pam Anderson's face painted on it.
Jason: Oh, it wasn't her face.
Chidi: No, no, no!
Michael: A sexually explicit motorcycle? Whose rock was that?
Chidi: [stammering] Hey, it's mine. Jianyu tossed my rock because he wanted to help me, his friend, who loves motorcycles and Canadian TV actress Pamela Anderson. Thanks, Jianyu. And now I will ride it away. Can't wait to cruise the streets in this bad boy. Yeah, man. Now we're cooking with gas.

Tahani: The point is, if all you care about in the world is the velvet rope, you will always be unhappy no matter which side you're on. You and I are proof of that. But now we're here. Can we just start over?
John: Well... if we're gonna be friends, I need to say something. I really am sorry for all the posts I wrote about you. And everything I tweeted. And scrawled on the back of a playbill during the intermission of Wicked and had someone pass it to you and say it was from an anonymous concerned citizen.
Tahani: That was you? [John clicks his tongue] Well, my bangs were making my ears look chunky. That was a fair hit. [laughter] It's a lovely night. Would you like to go for a walk?