Tahani: Ugh. Maybe we should just go. There are plenty of other people I could help, like my good friend Ben Affleck and his crippling addiction to back tattoos, or my other good friend Matt Damon and his crippling addiction to my friend Ben Affleck.

Eleanor: So my mom is alive, and she lives here. Why didn't you tell me sooner, man?
Michael: I had already told you that you died and that I had tortured you for centuries and that you're doomed to be tortured again. I just didn't want to be, like, a bummer.

Eleanor: Oh, hey. Who the hell is this chick?
Dave: This is my little potato pie, Patricia. And who might you be, by the way?
Donna: Eleanor is my sorority sister.
Eleanor: Right. Good old Kappa Zeta... Jones.

Tahani: Until Kamilah accepts my apology this open wound will hinder any progress she might make toward getting into the Good Place. Also, I'm going to strangle her, which will hinder any air from getting into her lungs.

Eleanor: It's okay. It's good. You're happy here. But you need to commit to this... which means getting rid of that stash of escape money. And I think you know what you have to do with it.
Donna: Send it to Gene Simmons?
Eleanor: What? No. Spend it on Patricia. Set up a college fund, buy her a crib... or a car. I truly don't know anything about kids, but this is your chance to break the chain of Shellstrop mother-daughter crappiness. You have a do-over. Use it.
Donna: Oh, baby. It seems like you've turned into a really good person, and you clearly didn't get that from me, so props to whoever helped you. [they hug]
Eleanor: Is there more cash in your bra?
Donna: Always. It's why I don't wash them.

Jason: Wow. So this is what a museum looks like. If you look at this painting closely, you can really notice the interpretation.
Janet: I know you're just being silly and effortlessly charming, but you actually just picked the most valuable painting in the entire museum. As of last year, that work was valued at $39.2 million.
Jason: Oh, snap, I forgot you know everything. How much is that one worth?
Janet: That one is worth $13.7 million.
Jason: That one's got a bunch of colors. That's got to add some value. Can we do this for all the paintings?

Michael: But now you know everything important about your life. I promise.
Eleanor: A police officer came to my home and told me that my mom had been accidentally trampled to death when she bent down to adjust her toe ring at a Rascal Flatts concert.
Michael: That police officer was an actor. See, about a month before, your mom had gotten drunk, wandered into a charity auction, and bid $30,000 for a date with Gene Simmons, outbidding everyone else by $29,800. She didn't want to pay, so she faked her death, moved to Nevada, and reinvented herself as Diana Tremaine.
Eleanor: Diana Tremaine is my fake ID name. I... [gasps] How dare she steal the identity I stole?
Michael: Look, I know this is a lot to take in, but we're here to help your mom get into the Good Place. Whatever you're feeling, remember, this is not about you.
Eleanor: Right.
[later, as her mother opens the door:]
Eleanor: How could you do this to me?

Tahani: I can't believe I have to wait in line to see my own sister. I have never waited in any kind of formation before, let alone a line.
Chidi: Wow. Is this whole room just her work?
Tahani: Don't be fooled, Chidi. Kamilah is a charlatan. All she has to do is paint some dumb shapes, and people go mad.
Jason: Those aren't dumb shapes. They're a pair of boobs. And then two extra side boobs. It symbolizes that boobs come in all shapes and sizes and distances apart.

Dave: So how did you and Eleanor become friends?
Michael: Let's just say that we lived in the same neighborhood.
Dave: Oh. [chuckles] What a fun way to say a normal thing, right?

Michael: Check out what Dave gave me. Plans for a Subaru dealership/burlesque club he's designing in Reno. Man, Nevada's a mess.