Tahani: Ugh. Maybe we should just go. There are plenty of other people I could help, like my good friend Ben Affleck and his crippling addiction to back tattoos, or my other good friend Matt Damon and his crippling addiction to my friend Ben Affleck.

Eleanor: So my mom is alive, and she lives here. Why didn't you tell me sooner, man?
Michael: I had already told you that you died and that I had tortured you for centuries and that you're doomed to be tortured again. I just didn't want to be, like, a bummer.

Eleanor: Oh, hey. Who the hell is this chick?
Dave: This is my little potato pie, Patricia. And who might you be, by the way?
Donna: Eleanor is my sorority sister.
Eleanor: Right. Good old Kappa Zeta... Jones.