Michael: She's a kid. You can't disembowel her toys.
Eleanor: Fine. New plan. You casually mention that you're rich and seduce Donna. When she goes for you, it will prove that this whole thing is a sham. First things first, do you have a penis?
Michael: I will not seduce Donna. For one thing, I could never do that to my pal, Dave. It goes against the architect's code. Also, your mother seems happy here.
Eleanor: The Donna I know wouldn't be caught dead in this suburban boredom factory. She's scamming them. Look, believe me, don't believe me. I don't care. I'm gonna prove it.
Michael: Young lady, you will stop this nonsense, go to the PTA meeting and support your mother. I won't hear another word about it.
Eleanor: What the hell was that?
Michael: Well, I was going for the "stern but, you know, caring dad" vibe. No? Didn't work?
Eleanor: No, not even close... like, not in the ballpark.
Michael: I was trying something, Eleanor. Give me a break.

Donna: Hello, I'm Diana Tremaine. I never thought I'd run for PTA board. For most of my life, I preferred to crawl... pub crawl. [laughter] But now I want to make sure kids in this decommissioned-military-bombing-test-site-turned-suburban-township get the best education Nevada has to offer.
Eleanor: [scoffs] What's that... always double down on 11?

Dave: Well, it was the first Hooters ever made out of brick, sort of inspired by Monticello.
Eleanor: Hey, mark.
Dave: Oh, no, it's Dave.
Eleanor: Oh, I know your name. I'm calling you a mark.
Michael: Easy.
Eleanor: I got news for you, dad-bod. The woman you know as Diana Tremaine is really Donna Shellstrop, my much older mother. She faked her death and changed her name. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's the deal.
Dave: I already knew all that, Eleanor. Your mother told me everything the first night we met.
Eleanor: The first night?
Dave: Well, no, not the first night, actually. That was mostly sex. [chuckles] Your mother is a very confident and selfish lover.
Michael: Yikes.
Dave: No, no, no, it's perfect for me 'cause I don't know what I want. But anyway, the next morning she told me everything. And we're gonna tell Patricia once she's a little bit older. For now, everything is going great.
Eleanor: No, dude, you don't know my mom. She used to put, like, 50 things in a shopping cart, then go to the "12 items or less" aisle, scream "rat," and run out the door without paying. She is a liar.
Dave: Well, listen, she has been nothing but honest with me. And I like that she's got a wild streak. It kind of gets my motor running. Tell you the truth, she's turning me into a bit of a bad boy. I mean, who am I... Avril Lavigne? [men laugh]

Eleanor: Oh, I get it. Coming clean was all part of the scam. It's brilliant because he thinks she's honest. So, when she runs off with all his money, he'll never see it coming.
Michael: Come on, Eleanor. I changed, you changed, maybe she changed, too.
Eleanor: No, no way.
Michael: Why can't you accept that she might be living a good, honest life? That she's an attentive partner and a good mom?
Eleanor: Because I wanted that mom. I wanted the mom who made me afternoon snacks instead of just telling me to look for loose fries in the McDonald's ball pit. Why does Patricia get that mom? If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means she was always capable of change, but I just wasn't worth changing for.
Michael: I know as your self-appointed father figure, I'm supposed to say something comforting here, but I'm... I'm kind of stumped.
Principal: Okay, final tally... 43 votes for Diana Tremaine, 12 votes for Eileen Capshaw, and one vote for Bofa Deeznutz.
Eleanor: [to Michael] God, don't look at me like that. You're not my real dad.

Jason: These paintings... they're us.
Chidi: You're the boobs? Sorry. Once Jason said it, that's all I can see.
Kamilah: Here we go. What? [Tahani hugs Kamilah] Tahani, what are you doing? Stop it.
Tahani: No. I'm going to hug you because I love you and because you feel just as alone as I do. I'm sorry our parents were such wankers. And I understand that you can't accept my apology because that would quench your creative thirst. They forced us to compete, and that competition has fueled your art for decades. It's so awful, and I'm so sorry. [both sigh]
Kamilah: They were wankers, weren't they?
Tahani: Ah! The absolute biggest wankers on Earth.

Eleanor: Diana Tremaine, you little devil. New name, same game.
Donna: Fine. Things have been going good with me and Dave, but sometimes I sneak a little bit of cash out of his wallet, and I hide it away, just in case everything blows up and I need to skip town. Are you happy?
Eleanor: Actually, no, I'm not happy, but I think you are. You're holding on to this exit strategy, telling yourself that you can bail at any time, but the truth is... you love this suburban life.
Donna: I don't love it so much. I am not basic. Ya basic.
Eleanor: No, Mom. Ya basic. And that's okay. Let me ask you something. Why are you wearing yoga pants?
Donna: Well, on Tuesday nights, I do restorative yoga with a bunch of moms from Patty's school.
Eleanor: And what do you do after yoga?
Donna: We split avocado egg rolls at the Cheesecake Factory, but we also drink.
Eleanor: What do you drink?
Donna: Chardonnay... with ice cubes. [Eleanor sighs] And after one glass, I get sleepy, so I usually switch to water so I can drive home... like a nerd!

Michael: Good luck, buddy. [Dave chuckles] Oh, hey, I almost forgot. I sketched you up a little something...
some ideas there for your project.
Dave: Wow. [chuckles] Well, this is more than a few ideas. You solved the whole thing. Columns and porticos. Uh-oh. [laughs] Looks like you forgot to include bathrooms.
Michael: Oops. Ah, just a little oversight. I certainly use the bathroom like anybody else. I love to sit on the... the thing and just, you know, shoot one out. Eleanor, I'll be in the car.

Michael: The others are on their way back from Budapest. We'll be picking them up in a few hours. Oh, be happy. Your mom found a better path all on her own, and you definitely helped Patricia. Double happy ending.
Eleanor: I know. I'm just... I'm a little sad. I'm glad my mom has changed, but that doesn't fix all the damage she did to me. Let's face it. She's the reason I could never get close to anyone. I never even told a boyfriend I love him.
Michael: Oh, crap. Um, you remember how I told you that you knew everything important about your life? Well, I-I wasn't thinking about your afterlife life. In one of the reboots, you and Chidi fell in love. Deeply. And you told him that you loved him, and he told you that he loved you back.
Eleanor: We did what, now?
Michael: Do you want to listen to a podcast maybe?

Donna: Yay, you found me.
Eleanor: What the hell, Mom?
Donna: Okay, baby, I can explain everything. Let's all just take a breath. You haven't even introduced me to this stretched-out, sexy Alex Trebek.
Michael: I'm Michael. It's nice to meet you, Donna.
Donna: Oh, uh, it's Diana now for, you know, police reasons.
Eleanor: By the way, whose McMansion is this?
Donna: My boyfriend Dave's. He's kind of a dork but real sweet and so fancy. His napkins are made out of, like, shirt material.
Michael: Cloth.
Eleanor: Okay, now this is making sense. You change your name, bag a rich loser with a tacky house. I get it. You're running a scam.
Donna: No, baby, this is as real as the nails under my acrylic nails. I'm a different person.
Eleanor: Spare me. You will always be sun-baked Arizona trash, and I know that... [door opens] because I grew up baking right beside you.

Janet: It's important that you make amends. Your competitive relationship with Kamilah is largely the reason you didn't get into the Good Place. It stands to reason that the same would be true for her.
Tahani: Fine. But the waiting is over. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Kamilah: Tahani, were you waiting in line to see me? That's hilarious. As a frog stares up in awe at the tree top, so, too, does humanity gawk at the purity of a blinding truth. Napkins and forks are in the back.
Tahani: So making omelets is art now, is it?
Kamilah: Not that I'd expect you to understand, but it's a commentary on the world's fascination with subservience, consumption, death, and pedagogy. Cheddar or Swiss?
Tahani: Oh, no, I don't want an omelet. I just came for a quick sisterly chat.
Kamilah: [bell jingles] My sister, Tahani, refuses to order an omelet. [people gasp, shout] As a result, the exhibit is now over and will never be shown again. There will be no refunds.