Sophia: This Rose/Bob Hope thing reminds me of a similar situation back in my village. Florence Pontevecchio used to fantasize that Alberto Bolognese was her brother.
Blanche: Who was Alberto Bolognese?
Sophia: He was the boot maker in the village.
Dorothy: What's so special about that?
Sophia: Did I say it was special? I said it was similar. I'm having a cup of tea, talking. The two of you have a look on your face like you paid for Phantom of the Opera tickets. Excuse me for not being Somerset Maugham. Better I should say nothing from now on and sit here like a pincushion!

Blanche: I still can't believe that Rose caused all this trouble.
Dorothy: Unbelievable.
Blanche: This whole fantasy about Bob Hope is sick.
Dorothy: Sick.
Blanche: I mean, if she's gonna have fantasies, they ought to be the normal, healthy kind, like sweaty Argentinean cowboys whipping things while they ride naked on the back of Brahma bulls.
Dorothy: I have to remember to stop using your towels.

Dorothy: Oh, this is terrible. The Ladies Auxiliary puts me in charge of the variety show, and we can't come up with one decent act.
Rose: I was just thinking, it's too bad we're not back in St. Olaf.
Blanche: Why? They have a lot of talent back in St. Olaf?
Rose: No. It's lunchtime there. I could really go for a smoked kipper hero.

Blanche: All right, who's auditioning next?
Sophia: I'm next.
Dorothy: Ma! What the hell are you doing here?
Sophia: I gnawed through my leather restraints and outran the new guard dog.

Blanche: How's everything going?
Blanche: Awful. Kent Ferguson canceled. We don't have an MC for the talent show.
Dorothy: We don't even have any talent for the talent show. The whole thing's gonna be a disaster. I'll be the laughingstock of the Ladies Auxiliary.
Rose: Oh, honey. Would it help if I got Bob Hope to be our MC?
Dorothy: How are you going to get Bob Hope?
Rose: Easy. He's my father.
Dorothy: Rose, have you been forgetting to wash the fruit before you eat it?

Dorothy: Oh, this is so weird. I've never been in a men's locker room before.
Rose: Neither have I.
Blanche: I really like the new carpet they- Me neither.

Sophia: I'm here for the audition.
Dorothy: Forget it. You force your way into the show every year, and every year, it's a total disaster. You can't sing, you can't dance, you can't tell jokes. I'm sorry, you can't be in the show.
Sophia: "You can't be in the show. You can't be in the show." Who are ya, Ricky Ricardo?

Sophia: Dorothy, I've got some good news. I've had a change of heart. I'll let the triplets be in your show for free.
Blanche: Why, Sophia, that's w- You don't know how much good this does us.
Dorothy: Wait just a minute. What's the catch?
Sophia: That is so typical of you. Why do you automatically assume because I'm trying to do something nice there's a catch?
Dorothy: So there isn't a catch.
Sophia: I didn't say that. It just ticks me off that you automatically assume there's one.

Blanche: Sophia, he's terrible.
Sophia: No, he's not. He's terrific. ... Oh, you mean the act? We'll work on that.
Dorothy: So that's it? You're willing to give us the Donatello Triplets if we put your new boyfriend in the show.
Blanche: That's blackmail.
Sophia: That's show business.

Rose: I'm serious. Bob Hope is my father. Well, sort of. I mean, he could be, maybe.
Dorothy: Rose, what the hell are you talking about?
Rose: There's something I've never told you girls. I spent the first eight years of my life at the St. Olaf orphanage. Gunther and Alma Nylund are my adoptive parents.
Blanche: How come you never told us about this before?
Rose: Oh, I loved my parents so much, I really never think about it. But I sure did before I became their daughter. When I was at the orphanage, I used to daydream all the time that my real parents would knock on the door and take me away. So, like most of the kids there, I started fantasizing about who they might be. I had a particularly clear picture in my head of my father. Anyway, one day, they took us all to the movies, and when Bob Hope came on the screen, I stood up and yelled, "My God, that's my father! That's him!"
Blanche: Rose, honey, you don't still actually believe that?
Rose: Believing that got me through some very rough times, Blanche. I mean, whenever I had a problem I couldn't solve, I'd just write Bob Hope a letter or go to one of his movies, and suddenly I was able to work it all out. All my life, I always felt he was there if I needed him. That's why I know he won't let me down now.
Dorothy: I don't know whether to cry or commit you.
Rose: You just leave it to me. I know in my heart he'll be here.
Dorothy: Rose, just so I get this straight, you never actually met Bob Hope?
Rose: No. But I'm sure looking forward to it.