Frieda: I heard that ticket sales are not going very well, I heard you have not been able to find any good talent and I heard that Kent Ferguson has canceled and we don't have an MC for the show.
Blanche: Yeah? Well, I heard you've been sleeping with the Japanese guy who blows the leaves out of your driveway!

Blanche: How'd it go, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Awful. When I told everyone at the club that Bob Hope wasn't going to be in the show, they actually booed me. I've never been so humiliated in my entire life.
Sophia: Aw, come on. You've been humiliated plenty. Remember when you tried out for cheerleading in high school?
Dorothy: Ma, why do you constantly look for ways to amuse yourself at my expense?
Sophia: Because we don't have cable, and I can't crochet. This is who I am, Dorothy. Learn to live with it or medicate me.

Rose: You don't have to go through all that trouble. He'll be at the show. What you need is faith.
Dorothy: And what you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.

Blanche: Look, you two stay here. I'm gonna check out the rest of the locker room. I'll start with the Jacuzzi.
Dorothy: You don't know where the Jacuzzi is.
Blanche: Yeah, it's just down the hall, second door- I'll ask somebody.

Dorothy: Rose, Rose, I have known you for over five years. In that time, I have heard the most bizarre stories I have ever heard in my entire life. There was Clovis the two-headed mule who skied backwards on buttermilk.
Rose: It was cottage cheese.
Dorothy: The point is, Rose, this Bob Hope story is odd, even for you.

Blanche: Bob Hope's gone. We just missed him.
Dorothy: Oh, what?
Blanche: I saw him getting into a limousine and driving away. They said he's going to the airport.
Rose: That can't be. The show is tomorrow tonight. He wouldn't leave before that. He knows I'm depending on him. There must be some other explanation. Maybe- Maybe I'm just a foolish old woman who's lived a silly fantasy her whole life.

Rose: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Rose Nylund, and I'm responsible for what's happened here tonight.
Uh Because of a silly childish dream, I let you all down. I had this crazy idea that I had a special connection to a very special person, and that's why on all your programs it says that the guest celebrity for tonight's show is...
Alfonso: Presto!
Rose: Bob Hope! [applause]
Bob Hope: Hey, I know this show is for charity, but that's the smallest dressing room I've ever had in my life.

Blanche: Oh, my God, you're really Mr. Bob Hope. Being this close to you is the biggest thrill of my life.
Bob Hope: If you were any closer, there wouldn't be room for my car keys.

Dorothy: Mr. Hope, could we impose upon you to entertain for a few minutes?
Bob Hope: Will I entertain? I didn't put this makeup on to go bowling.
Dorothy: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope! [applause]
Bob Hope: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Did you hear Did you hear that Ronald Reagan has just moved back to Hollywood? That's just what Hollywood needs, another unemployed actor. [laughter] Do you know Reagan left office with the highest popularity rating since FDR? He was more popular than Tammy Bakker at a Maybelline convention. [laughter]
Dorothy: I can't believe it. How on earth did he get here?
Sophia: You know how Alfonso kept talking about his old vaudeville partner? It turns out it was Bob Hope. Isn't that a kick?
Bob Hope: You know, since Ron and Nancy moved back to California, we've had earthquakes almost every day. Do you think God could be a Democrat? [applause] But earthquakes don't bother the president. If Sam Donaldson couldn't shake him up, nothin' will. [laughter]

Blanche: Oh, Rose, I think we owe you an apology, honey. You were right after all.
Rose: Oh, you don't owe me any apology. This was a lucky coincidence. I'm just glad it all worked out. Boy, but I have learned one lesson, no more silly daydreams for me.
Bob Hope: Now, Nancy Reagan has mixed feelings about moving back to California. She's afraid her husband might not have as much free time to spend with her anymore.
Rose: Thanks, Dad.