Rose: Last year Gretchen Lillehammer won for running into the burning library and saving all the books.
Blanche: That is amazing. How'd she do that?
Rose: She took two books in one hand and one in the other and ran like the dickens.
Dorothy: Your library only has three books? What happens when a person's read them all?
Rose: I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Rose: God, I hate fog.
Sophia: Why? You've spent most of your life in one.
Rose: I meant if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see. There was Alf Landen, Wendell Wilkie and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice. Oh, God, it's making sense!

Rose: Look, there's the old tree house. Gee, when I was a kid my best friend Ingrid and I used to go up there all the time. Oh, gosh, I miss her. I haven't talked to her in ages.
Blanche: Why don't you give her a call?
Rose: Maybe I will.
Blanche: Sure.
Rose: [loudly] Hey, Ingrid!
Woman in the distance: Is that you, Rose? Well, how are you?
Rose: Fine, Ingrid! How are you?
Woman in the distance: Oh, fine. Well, nice talking to you. Bye, Rose.
Rose: Bye, Ingrid! [normally] Oh, boy, thank you, Blanche. That was a great idea.
Sophia: It's great bringing two idiots closer together.
Dorothy: I think that's the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.

Dorothy: This is unbearable. It must be 110 in here.
Blanche: Dorothy, I'll tell you a very simple way to beat the heat. Just imagine yourself in a cool place. Like a snowy, windy mountaintop in Colorado. With a ski instructor named Fritz. And a bearskin rug and a bottle of brandy and a crackling fire. My God, Dorothy, it must be 120 in here.

Rose: You're just saying that. I haven't added anything to the world.
Sophia: Look, Rose. God doesn't make mistakes. We were all put on this planet for a purpose. Blanche, you're here to work in a museum so that art can be appreciated by humanity. Dorothy, you're here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth. And Rose, you're here because the rhythm method was very popular in the '20s. OK? I'm going to the movies. Good-bye.

Rose: I just can't believe we're on our way to St. Olaf. Oh, I'm so excited. You girls are gonna love it. But I guess everybody thinks his home town is pretty special.
Sophia: I know I do. I'll never forget when I went back after many, many years, it was just as I remembered it. Garbage in the street, prostitutes in the doorways, a couple of guys hanging from their heels in the town square... I can't go on. Got a handkerchief?
Blanche: Honey, why are you getting all teary? Sicily sounds just awful.
Sophia: That wasn't Sicily. That was my first apartment in Brooklyn.

Dorothy: I will never forgive that airline as long as I live.
Blanche: I can not believe they lost all our luggage. Now I have to go an entire weekend without underwear.
Sophia: Yeah, and you usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

Blanche: Honey, what's the matter?
Rose: Everything. I just found out I'm the most boring person alive.
Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?

Dorothy: Why is it they always schedule the charity softball game on the hottest day of the year?
Blanche: I know it. I'm all hot and sweaty, I'm short of breath and I'm physically exhausted. You'd think I had a good time.
Rose: You didn't have fun
Blanche: Only thing I really enjoyed was stealing second base.
Dorothy: When have you not enjoyed sliding under a man in uniform?

Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: I'm giving the leftover meat loaf a thrill. What do you think? It's hot as hell in here.
Dorothy: Close it before the food spoils.
Sophia: OK.
Dorothy: I meant the refrigerator.