Blanche: Confused? How could he possibly confuse this young, nubile body with that raisin in sneakers?

Rose: Dorothy, everyone here is a woman.
Father: We are gathered here today to honor the memory of a man who has suddenly been taken from us.
Sophia: What are you looking at me for? Just keep talking.
Father: Fidel Santiago was a very special man. He was kind, caring and loving. He was a man who brought joy into the lives of all he touched. [mass sobbing]
Dorothy: I have the feeling he touched every behind in the room.

Sophia: Excuse me, Father. Hold that thought. Which of you was Fidel's girlfriend?
Blanche: Oh! My God, he had his burro hitched to every bedpost in town!
Rose: But that's good news, girls. That means your cheap, animal-like lust didn't have anything to do with killing Fidel.
Woman: I'm leaving. I'm not about to mourn a man who's been with every woman in this room.
Dorothy: He was never with me.
Woman: I guess even he had his standards.

Blanche: I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
Dorothy: Oh, now calm down, Blanche. There's probably a very logical explanation.
Blanche: You know, you're probably right. Oh, why would Fidel want another woman? After all, he's dipped his toes in the lake known as Blanche.
Rose: [to Dorothy] That wasn't stupid enough to deserve a hit?

Blanche: Girls, is this dress me?
Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short and it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche, it's you.

Fidel: Hello.
Rose: Hello. We thought you were Blanche's date, but you're way too old.
Fidel: Hola. Blanche!
Blanche: Hello, sweetheart. Come here! I want you to meet all my friends.
Rose: Please forgive me. It wasn't my fault - my cousins have been marrying each other for generations.

Dorothy: Well, I guess that solves the mystery.
Sophia: I'll say. Who'd have thought Blanche would date somebody that long in the tooth?
Rose: I thought his teeth were nice. What I couldn't believe was how old he was.
Dorothy: You know, sometimes I really cannot believe my ears.
Sophia: I know. I should've taped them back when you were seven.

Dorothy: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Please take your seats. Uh, Jorge Vega? Michael Fachik? Jim Shu? Jim Shu?! Oh, I get it, gym shoe. Very funny.
Jim: Excuse me. I am Jim Shu.
Dorothy: I'm terribly sorry. I thought you were pulling my leg.
Jim: I don't think I could drink that much sake.
Dorothy: Sit down.

Dorothy: Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose: Dorothy, I have a confession to make. I slipped through the cracks of the St. Olaf school system.
Dorothy: That's very hard to believe. I've seen you almost complete a TV Guide crossword.

Blanche: Girls, I am just beside myself. Fidel's seein' another woman.
Dorothy: Are you sure?
Blanche: Yes. We used to see each other constantly. Now I'm lucky to see him twice a week. If he's not seeing another woman, what else could he be doing?
Rose: Maybe he paints, like Red Skelton.
Dorothy: Rose, would you please hand me my grade book?
Rose: Sure.
Dorothy: Thank you. [Dorothy hits Rose over the head]