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‘Mother's Day’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Mother's Day

325. Mother's Day

Aired May 7, 1998

As they wait for calls from their children, the girls reminisce about their past Mother's Days.

Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Mrs. Zbornak: So, tell me, Stanley. How are things at the novelty store?
Stan: Just great, Ma. Couldn't be better. I was Salesman of the Month.
Dorothy: And I'm sure you'll be proud to know that the name Zbornak has become synonymous with plastic vomit.

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Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Mrs. Zbornak: What're you here for? What do you want, money?
Dorothy: No. Absolutely not. How did you know?
Mrs. Zbornak: I just got the feeling my yutz son crapped out at his job.
Dorothy: Yutz. I've never heard you say anything bad about Stan in my life.
Mrs. Zbornak: I don't have to. The whole world makes fun of him. Always has. That's why I make him out to be more than he is.
Dorothy: Then you will give him the money.
Mrs. Zbornak: No. But I'll give it to you under one condition. Don't ever tell Stanley it came from me.
Dorothy: I don't understand.
Mrs. Zbornak: Well, Stanley has a tendency to be weak. If he knew I was a soft touch, he'd never amount to anything. How much do you need?
Dorothy: $500.
Mrs. Zbornak: I'll give you a thousand. You know, Dorothy, I'm glad Stanley married you. You love him, but you're tough on him and he needs that.
Dorothy: Then why are you so mean to me?
Mrs. Zbornak: Because if Stanley knew I liked you, he'd hang around here all the time. He's a yutz. Who needs him around here?
[Dorothy goes to hug Mrs. Zbornak]
Stan: Dorothy!
Mrs. Zbornak: Oh, thank God you came when you did. I thought she was gonna strangle me.

Quote from Blanche

[flashback:]
Blanche: Mama, do you remember that Mother's Day that I almost ruined when I ran off to get married?
Margaret: No.
Blanche: Sure you do, honey. Don't you know, I was a senior in high school, and I was madly in love with Deck Boevingloh. We'd been dating for nearly a month, so it seemed perfectly logical when he dropped by cheerleading practice and asked me to marry him. Oh, I thought he was a wonderful catch at the time. He was 40, out of work, twice divorced, had three kids. But the real reason I wanted to marry him was because his oldest daughter was a rival of mine at cheerleading, and I figured if I married Deck, I'd be her mama and I could kick her off the squad. Anyway, I remember the next day, I was in the Rexall when Deck came in lookin' more handsome than I've ever seen him. Oh! Black motorcycle boots, skintight Levis, a match in his mouth, and a white T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to reveal his brand-new Woody the Woodpecker tattoo. God, I was an idiot. Anyway, he sauntered over to me at the soda fountain and gave me this long, smolderin' look and said, "So?" Oh, I nearly fainted dead-away on the spot. The next thing I knew, I was sittin' in that Studebaker racing out toward bayou country, where Deck knew this justice of the peace who specialized in marrying stupid teenage girls from well-to-do families. Now, lucky for me, Old Man Montgomery had been in the Rexall that day and overheard us making our plans and tipped off you and Daddy. You know, to this day, I don't know how you got there ahead of us. But when we pulled up to Bubba's Chapel of Bliss and Tackle Shop, there you were. Well, I was ready for the fight of my life, but all you said was, "Why, darlin', I just came out here to give you away with my blessing. Why, I think marrying Deck might be the best thing in the world for you, Blanche." Well, at 17, I wasn't about to do anything you wanted me to do. And you knew that. I gave Deck back his I.D. bracelet that had "Deck" on one side and "Allergic to the Law" on the other, hopped in the car with you and Daddy, and we took off home. I asked you if you were mad at me. You said, "Why, no, darlin'. This is the best Mother's Day I've ever had." Don't you remember that, Mama?

Quote from Blanche

[flashback:]
Margaret: Well, I thought that happened to Virginia. Wasn't Virginia the slut?
Blanche: No, ma'am. That was me.
Margaret: Blanche, that didn't happen on Mother's Day. That happened Christmas Day, 19... 1949.
Blanche: You're right. Hey, that was Christmas D- You remembered, Mama.
Margaret: Blanche, there are days when I can't remember who I am, but trust me, I remember every stunt you ever pulled. That's how I got half the gray hairs on this 85-year-old head.
Blanche: Honey, you're 89.
Margaret: Oh, darlin', didn't I ever teach you anything? No true lady ever tells her age.
Blanche: Happy Mother's Day, Mama.

Quote from Rose

[flashback:]
Rose: So, when was it you visited St. Olaf?
Anna: Oh, Lord, it must be 50 years ago now. I went to a wedding. A distant cousin of mine married a local St.
Olaf girl.
Rose: What was the girl's name?
Anna: Sonja Yongen-
Rose: Yongenfrauliksteinerbrau?
Anna: You know her?
Rose: Know her? I was flower girl at the wedding. Well, of course, there were no flowers that year because of what happened to Old Man Smith. He was our town florist. He was also our town's only blacksmith. Come to think of it, he was our town's only black man. Anyway, when he first moved in, the town council decided to give him a traditional Scandinavian welcome gathering on his front lawn and singing songs and dressing up in bedsheets. 'Course, coming from Chattanooga, he wasn't familiar with the custom. He had a heart attack. He spent most of the summer in intensive care. After that, when somebody moved in, the town council just handed out peanut brittle and free passes to the local movie house, which they hoped to build someday.
Anna: Are you all right?
Rose: You seem upset.
Anna: I was just thinking I'm sorry I recently got a hearing aid.
Rose: Don't worry. It hardly shows at all. Anyway, at Sonja's wedding, of course without flowers they didn't know what to do... and discovered she was actually on the hayride with Little Lars, not Big Lars. She yelled, "Whoa!" And jumped right off the wagon.

Quote from Rose

[flashback:]
Rose: Are you sure you shouldn't call your daughter?
Anna: Mother's Day isn't until tomorrow. She knows I'll be there. I always am.
Rose: Still, she must be worried by now.
Anna: Rose, my daughter's dead. She passed away some time ago. I go to the cemetery on Mother's Day. It was always such a special day for the two of us. I like to pretend it still is. Only problem is, this year I don't think I'm going to make it.
Rose: What's the matter? Aren't you feeling well?
Anna: I ran away from the home, and I think they're just about to catch up with me.
Police Officer: Are you Anna Eggerman? Anna, they're worried about you back at the home. I'm afraid you're gonna have to come with me.
Jacob: [over p.a.] Attention! Express to Cedar Grove, River Junction, Northern Falls, now boarding!
Police Officer: For cryin' out loud, Jacob. There's three people here. You could've just pointed to the door.
Rose: Sheriff, I'm afraid there's been some mistake. This woman's my mother.
Police Officer: But I have a telex here that says-
Rose: I don't care what it says on that paper. She's my mother, and we're just on our way home together. So if you'll kindly excuse us, we have a bus to catch. Come on, Mama.
Anna: Thank you, Rose.
Rose: Happy Mother's Day.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Happy Mother's Day, Ma. Oh, you look beautiful.
Sophia: Yeah, yeah. Talk is cheap, and so is that buffet you're taking me to, so let's get movin' before all the shrimp is gone.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: [answering phone] Hello. Person-to-person from the Duke of Windsor to Queen Elizabeth?
Sophia: Oh, that's for me. That's my Phil. Hello. The queen's not here. She went shopping. Thanks for calling, Phil, and send my love to the- [hangs up] Damn. Every year they catch on quicker and quicker. I love when Phil calls on Mother's Day. It's the one time a year he calls and doesn't ask for money.

Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Stan: Here, Mama. This is for you. Happy Mother's Day.
Mrs. Zbornak: Oh, thank you, Stanley. Ah. "The Artwork of Adolf Hitler".
Dorothy: The minute we saw it, we knew it was for you.
Mrs. Zbornak: Thank you so much, Stanley. I'm going to put it right here on the coffee table.
Stan: It's from Dorothy, too.
Mrs. Zbornak: If I had to thank her, I'd choke on the words.
Dorothy: Please risk it.

Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Stan: Dorothy, come on. You have to start being nice to her, otherwise she's not gonna give us that money.
Dorothy: Look, you ask for it. She wouldn't refuse you.
Stan: You've got to do it for me. It would break Mama's heart if she knew I was a failure. To her, I have the business sense of a Rockefeller, the looks of a Gary Cooper and the charm of Cary Grant.
Dorothy: I'm not surprised. The woman drinks grain alcohol out of a measuring cup.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: As it turned out, Stan's mother wasn't so bad after all.
Sophia: Please. The woman wasn't human. I think she ate mice.

Quote from Rose

Rose: [answering phone] Hello? Charlie! Hey, everyone, it's Charlie Jr. Oh! Guess what. He says it's cold in Minnesota.
Blanche: Get outta here.
Rose: Charlie, is it cold enough that if you put your tongue on something metal, it'll stick? Sure, I'll hold.
Sophia: This might be the ideal time to leave for that Mother's Day brunch.

Quote from Blanche

[flashback:]
Margaret: Stay right there. I want you to watch the proper way for a lady to make an entrance on the arm of a handsome gentleman.
Blanche: You look just wonderful, Mama. Happy Mother's Day.
Margaret: Oh, is today Mother's Day?
Blanche: Yes, Mama. Don't you remember? I called you and told you I'd be here.
Margaret: Of course. Of course, Virginia.
Blanche: No, darlin'. Virginia couldn't come. I'm Blanche. Here. Look. I brought you a little present.
Margaret: Lace handkerchiefs. My.
Blanche: Well, you know, you always used to say that there were two things a lady could never have enough of: Lace handkerchiefs and gentleman callers. Maybe next Mother's Day' I'll bring you a gentleman caller.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Now can we go eat?
Dorothy: No. I haven't heard from Michael yet.
Sophia: Fine. Wait for your phone call. My blood sugar'll drop. I'll have a stroke. This corsage'll live longer than I will.

Quote from Rose

[flashback:]
Rose: Brrr! You would think I'd almost forgotten what real cold feels like. I guess I've gotten used to tropical weather.
Jacob: You here all the way from Nebraska?
Rose: Miami.
Jacob: Miami. Is that closer to Omaha or Lincoln?
Rose: Gee, it's great to be home. They told me in Minneapolis that I could change buses here for St. Olaf.
Jacob: That's right.
Rose: How much is it?
Jacob: You want the express or the yokel?
Rose: Don't you mean local?
Jacob: No, ma'am. I mean yokel. On the yokel, a family of first cousins plays banjo music as the passengers get on and off.
Rose: Do they take requests?
Jacob: No.
Rose: Give me the express.

Quote from Rose

[flashback:]
Anna: Excuse me. Are you waiting for the bus to Northern Falls?
Rose: No. St. Olaf.
Anna: I've visited there. Lovely little town.
Rose: Oh, yes. Yes, it is.
Anna: Rolling hills, charming homes.
Rose: Yes.
Anna: Full of idiots.
Rose: Yes. ... What?
Anna: I never saw anything like it. Must be the water.
Rose: I grew up in St. Olaf. Most of my family still lives there.
Anna: Oh, no offense, dearie. I didn't say that everyone there was an idiot. It just seemed, though, that per capita, they had more than their share.
Rose: Oh, well, per capita, you're probably right.

Quote from Rose

[flashback:]
Rose: So, do you live in Northern Falls?
Anna: No. I'm paying my daughter a visit.
Rose: For Mother's Day? Me, too. Oh, not just my daughter. All of my children. They chipped in and paid for my trip from Miama. They figured it'd be cheaper for me to come here than for all of them to fly there.
Anna: They figured that out? And they live in St. Olaf?
Rose: Yes.
Anna: Oh, you must be very proud of them.
Rose: Oh. I am.

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Sophia: Turn that thing off and get up from the couch. Mama will be here any minute and you look like a bum.
Salvadore: So, what's the problem? She already thinks I'm a bum.
Sophia: Salvadore.
Salvadore: What?
Sophia: Did you get me a present for Mother's Day?
Salvadore: Why? You're not my mother.
Sophia: I'm the mother of your children.
Salvadore: A thousand nights of begging. Three times, you said yes. For that, you want a present? It's not enough they declare it a national holiday?

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Sophia: That's Mama. If she sees you like this, we'll never convince her to move in. Move! Move!
Salvadore: Oh, boy. It's a dark day in Brooklyn today. The Dodgers are moving out, your mother's moving in!

Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Sophia: Grandma, here we are.
Mrs. Petrillo: I'm in a wheelchair. I'm not blind. I can see where we are. And it could stand a good vacuum.
Sophia: Hi, Dorothy. Hello, Mama.
Mrs. Petrillo: Where's Salvadore? He's hiding from me, isn't he? He always hides from me. The little monkey hates me.
Dorothy: Well, don't be silly. Pop is crazy about you.
Salvadore: Don't lie to your grandmother! It's a sin!
Dorothy: Well, he's not crazy about you, but he's very fond of you.
Mrs. Petrillo: He hates me. The man repairs complicated machinery for a living. Three times this month, he couldn't set the handbrake on my wheelchair.
Dorothy: Grandma, that was a coincidence.
Mrs. Petrillo: Please. All three times was at the top of the stairs to the Flatbush subway station.

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Sophia: Mama, if Salvadore hates you, why does he want you to come live here with us?
Mrs. Petrillo: What?
Sophia: Salvadore and I would like you to move in with us.
Mrs. Petrillo: Forget it. I am not moving in.
Sophia: Why not?
Mrs. Petrillo: Let me tell you a story. Picture it: Sicily, 1881. A beautiful, young peasant girl-
Sophia: Mama, not another story.
Mrs. Petrillo: Sophia, come closer. [slaps Sophia's face]

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Sophia: Dorothy, if I ever do this to you, I want you to take me out to a field and shoot me.
Dorothy: Could you put that in writing?
Sophia: Dorothy, come closer. [slaps Dorothy's face]

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: [answering phone] Hello. Janet, it's so good to hear your voice, honey.
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: Cooking. If I wait for you to take me to brunch, I'll starve to death.
Dorothy: Ma, you're making me feel guilty.
Sophia: I know. It's Mother's Day. You celebrate your way, I'll celebrate mine.


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