Dr. Deutsch: Excuse me, Mrs. Zbornak?
Dorothy: Yes.
Dr. Deutsch: I'm Dr. Steven Deutsch. I just wanted to let you know Mr. Zbornak's out of surgery and he's doing fine.
Blanche: Oh, thank God.
Dr. Deutsch: He's in recovery now and he should be out of intensive care within 48 hours. I understand he'll be spending his recovery period with you.
Rose: That's right, Dr.
Dr. Deutsch: Well, it's a very critical time for Mr. Zbornak. But with proper care, there's absolutely no reason he won't be as good as new within three months.
Dorothy: Did you say three months? Ma, he said three months. [sobbing]

Sophia: You call that wrestling, you pansy? If you can't take a crotch slam like a man, get out of the business.
Stan: This is great, just great. You and me watching television together. Hey, you know, there's a great basketball game on Seven.
Sophia: I said it was all right for you to come out of your room, I didn't say it was all right for you to talk to me.
Stan: You know, I'm kind of an expert in basketball. I mean, it's one of the interesting things about me.
Sophia: Please, you've lived here for two months, there's nothing interesting about you.
Stan: No, I mean it. Ask me anything.
Sophia: All right. When the hell are you moving out?
Stan: [laughing] You kill me.
Sophia: I'd love to!

Blanche: Stanley, don't you think it's kind of a coincidence that you get a relapse on the very day the doctor says you can move back home?
Stan: What can I say, the heart's a funny organ.
Blanche: I bet most of your organs get a laugh.
Stan: Blanche, I sense some hostility.
Blanche: Good, because I hate you.

Rose: She's just a little edgy because we've been taking care of you for two months, you've been eating us out of house and home, and making life generally unbearable.
Stan: That's not a very charitable view to take. What are you making for lunch?
Rose: You listen here, mister, we've been more than charitable. In the village my ancestors came from, if a man was bad company, unable to provide for his family and not much fun under the old yak skin, the women would leave him out in the snow to die.
Stan: Tough village.

Dorothy: Oh, Stanley.
Stan: Dorothy, I need to talk.
Blanche: Oh, Stan is her ex-husband. Biggest loser you'll see. Good evening, Stan!
Blanche: Always good to see you too, doll-face.

Dorothy: I'm going out, Stan. We'll have to talk some other time. And in future, I really would appreciate some notice before you drop by. Let's say one, two, six months.

Blanche: You know, Sophia, I used to have this recurring dream about twins. They always killed each other over me. Maybe I'll drive.
Sophia: You know, Blanche, I have a recurring dream. John Cameron Swayze straps a Timex to my chin and tosses me across an icy pond. I looked it up in a book of symbols but it wasn't there. That's it. I'm done. What do you want me to do, bring down a curtain?

Stan: I really appreciate everything you're doing for me.
Dorothy: I know that.
Stan: I've never been this scared in my life.
Dorothy: Come on now, Stanley. You said yourself, it's a very common operation.
Stan: Still, there's a chance something could go wrong.
Dorothy: There's always a chance.
Stan: And when there's a chance something could go wrong with me, it usually does. The way I figure it, I'm gonna die, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Stanley, you're not going to die.
Stan: Yes, I am. I'm gonna die. That's why there are some things I have to say to you tonight. I love you, Dorothy. I know that sounds crazy coming from a guy who walked out on you after thirty-eight years, but it's true.
Dorothy: I've already forgiven you for that. Besides, in the grand scheme of things, it's not so terrible to wait thirty-eight years to make your first big mistake.

Stan: It wasn't my first mistake.
Dorothy: What?
Stan: Remember the Chain-Linked Fence Retailers' Convention in Atlantic City in 1957?
Dorothy: Oh, my God. You had an affair at the convention.
Stan: No, there was no convention. I just had an affair.
Dorothy: Oh, Stanley.
Stan: She didn't mean a thing to me. She was a waitress in a little Greek diner on the way to work. Every morning I'd come in, she'd put some rolls on the table and say, "Can I butter your buns, Stan?" One morning she said it and there were no rolls on the table. Next thing I knew, we were in Atlantic City. Dorothy, I swear to you, it was just that one time. Forgive me.
Dorothy: Forgive you? Forgive you? I'm sitting at home with two screaming kids praying that you'll sell enough chain-link to put food on the table, and you're off planting your flag on Mount Olympus.
Stan: Dorothy, you make it sound so cheap. Please tell me you understand. I need to know you forgive me before I let them cut me open my heart.
Dorothy: They may have to stand in line.
Stan: Dorothy, please.
Dorothy: Alright, alright. You're off the hook, Stanley. Go to the hospital with a clean conscience. I forgive you.

Stan: Dorothy, you've got the compassion of a priest, you really do. But you'd have to be the entire Vatican softball team to forgive me for the other time.
Dorothy: The other time?
Stan: I didn't mean it to happen. I was having a drink in the bar that they added onto that Greek diner when a woman sat down next to me. We talked, we drank, we broke a few dishes. The next thing I knew, I came to in a motel with my toupee in my mouth.
Dorothy: I cannot believe this. I cannot believe that I am hearing this. I mean, I always assumed something like this could happen, but I just figured that it would be that blonde secretary you had who couldn't type or take shorthand.
Stan: You're wrong on two counts, Dorothy. She could take shorthand and I did have an affair with her.
Dorothy: I am shocked. That airhead could take shorthand?