Sophia: Hush, pussycat. Ida's ankles are swelled up like a blowfish. Let's see how the hurricane's going.
TV Reporter: Repeat, South Florida is now under a hurricane watch. We'll keep tracking the storm to see if it's going to come our way.
Sophia: I can't believe it, the Eastern Seaboard's history. God, it feels good to be right!

Dorothy: Well, I'm not gonna let any bad news affect me today. I am in control of my fate. For once in her life, Dorothy Zbornak is the master of her own destiny. I am woman. Hear me roar. [screams]
Gloria: Dorothy.
Dorothy: Gloria, Stan.
Stan: Good news, Dorothy. I'm off the monkey.

Sophia: Oh, my God, I can't believe it! I feel light-headed. I think I'm gonna... I'm gonna... [Dorothy passes out] No, I'm okay.

Gloria: Dorothy, are you okay?
Dorothy: [laughing] Oh, what a dream. I dreamt that you and Stan were in bed together. Isn't that silly? Oh, I mean, my loving sister and the man I despise most. [Stan enters in Dorothy's nightgown] Oh, God, the nightmare continues!

Dorothy: How could you do this? How could you do this to me?
Stan: Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-coming. Fierce winds and driving rains. Who knows what's gonna happen to all of us? I felt scared and vulnerable.
Dorothy: Oh, Stan, you big, bald girl.

Sophia: Oh, pussycat, you've come to. Boy, it wasn't easy getting you in here. Stan took your head, Gloria took your legs. I haven't heard such heavy breathing since... Well, since before you passed out.
Dorothy: Ma, please!
Sophia: Oh, come on. When I said that to Stan, he laughed so hard he dropped you.

Dorothy: Ma, you sound happy about this.
Sophia: I am. This is wonderful. Your sister found a man.
Dorothy: I don't believe this. All the years I was with him he was a yutz. She goes to bed with him and it's great?
Sophia: That's right. He was wrong for you. He's perfect for her.
Dorothy: Ma, that's ridiculous.
Sophia: Look, Gloria isn't the kind of woman that does well by herself. She's the kind of woman who needs a rich man to buy her things and make her feel special.
Dorothy: Oh? And what kind of woman am I?
Sophia: The kind who should live with her mother.

Rose: While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled, "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There." [playing piano] Oom pah, pah Oom pah, pah Oom pah, pah What the hell is that hair?
Blanche: Rose? We just got a pledge for $20.
Rose: Oh, let's go to the tote board. Drum roll.
[Blanche stands in front of a digital screen which eventually settles on 20]

Rose: Oh, wait! I have a bulletin. "The intensity of Hurricane Gil has increased dramatically. Several boats at the marina have been beached or capsized." Oh, and here's an item of particular interest. "The McKinley Lighthouse has been completely destroyed."
Blanche: What did you say?
Rose: I repeat. "The McKinley Lighthouse has been completely destroyed." Oh, that's not good for us.

Police Officer: Hello, ma'am. Are you the resident here?
Dorothy: Oh, my God. It's my mother.
Police Officer: No, ma'am, I'm a police officer.
Dorothy: I'm aware of that.