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‘The Flu’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Flu

121. The Flu

Aired March 1, 1986

Dorothy, Rose and Blanche are at each other's throats when they come down with the flu ahead of an important banquet.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: You don't have to worry about me. I never get sick. I take very good care of myself. I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

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Quote from Sophia

Sophia: In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelle. Whatever you had, she had a cure. She was best known for this green salve she used to make to treat ear infections. One day, she gave a batch to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put it on his linguine instead of in his ear.
Dorothy: I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.
Sophia: As it turns out, it wasn't such a bad thing to do. The stuff tasted great and Salvadore decided to market it. At first, it didn't move so well. Linguine With Ear Salve on a menu doesn't look too appetizing. But once he changed the name to pesto sauce, it moved like hotcakes.
Dorothy: Ma, you're making this up!
Sophia: So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Stand up straight.
Dorothy: I am standing straight.
Sophia: You're slouching. You try to pretend you're not tall. You do it all the time.
Dorothy: I do not.
Sophia: Yes, you do. Ever since you changed schools in the fourth grade, the kids thought you were the substitute teacher.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Girls, I did it! I finally broke down and bought that dress I've been eyeing for a month.
Dorothy: I thought you were gonna wear the silk one you wore to last year's banquet.
Blanche: I changed my mind. I decided too many people would recognize it. It is such a stunning shade of green.
Sophia: The only thing they'll remember is the way you fall out of it.
Blanche: Oh, Sophia!
Sophia: If you asked people the color, half of them would say flesh-tone.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, I don't have a date yet either.
Dorothy: Blanche Deveraux can't find a date?
Blanche: Oh, don't be ridiculous! My only problem is trying to decide which of my many suitors to flatter with an invitation. After all, it's the social event of the season.
Dorothy: I guess you'll just have to break a few hundred hearts, Blanche.
Blanche: I know. I haven't had to disappoint so many men since Daddy tore down the tree house.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Does anyone know where the aspirin is?
Dorothy: Buffered, time-release, or synthetic?
Rose: Time-release, I guess.
Dorothy: Capsule, tablet, or liquid?
Rose: Gee, I don't know.
Sophia: Don't take the one with the childproof cap. You could die before you get it open.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, I feel just terrible! My eyes are all puffy, my nose is red, my glands are swollen. Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Dorothy, where's my heating pad?
Dorothy: How should I know?
Blanche: If this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Who am I kidding? I'm not gonna be able to go to that banquet. None of us is. We won't be better by then.
Sophia: Fine, can I have your date?
Dorothy: Of course, Ma. You can have my date, my dress, and my dessert at the dinner. Just leave me alone with my thermometer and the one nostril I can breathe out of.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Oh, come on, girls. Now, let's put on a happy face. We'll get better much faster. My cousin Dennis was the perfect example of that. When he was 16 years old, he caught his sideburns in the hay baler. And then-
Dorothy & Blanche: Shut up, Rose.
Rose: Well, excuse me. I didn't realize it was Gang Up On Rose Day.
Blanche: I have been cooped up listening to your stupid stories for three days now. You're just lucky it isn't String Rose Up From a Tree Day.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: All right, I want an answer and I want it now. Which one of you has been dipping into my Vicks VapoRub?
Rose: I took it. And my chest was already completely coated! I did it out of spite because you lost the pre-measured cup off my Nyquil.
Dorothy: Rose, I took your stupid cup. And do you know why? Because I feel lousy, and being mean to you makes me feel better.
Rose: Dorothy Zbornak! You can go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks!
Dorothy: Double hockey sticks?
Blanche: Oh, what language! My ears are burning! Rose Nylund, you know what you are? You are an A-1, first-class, all-around nerd! [Rose starts crying] Oh, honey, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. Oh! It's just this flu is making me crazy!

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: By the way, I just called Harriet McConnell to cancel your reservations to the banquet.
Dorothy: Oh, thanks, Ma.
Sophia: She was very disappointed you all aren't coming. And I think it's because one of you won the big award.
Rose: You mean the Best Friend of the Friends of Good Health Award?
Sophia: Yeah.
Blanche: Why, what'd she say?
Sophia: It wasn't what she said, it was what she didn't say.
Rose: What didn't she say?
Sophia: How the hell do I know? She didn't say it!

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: [clears throat]
Rose: Dorothy, please, why don't you use your handkerchief?
Dorothy: Doesn't anybody remember all the good work that I have done?
Rose: Not really.
Dorothy: I was co-chairman of the committee to raise funds for the new blood mobile. I sold 49 cases of peanut brittle!
Blanche: You really think selling candy's gonna qualify you for that prestigious award?
Dorothy: Oh, excuse me. I didn't realize that slipping my tongue to half the firemen in the county was a more lofty social achievement.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Everybody, I want you to meet my friend, Tommy Cochran. Sit down, Tommy. Tommy's a writer. According to the New York Times, he is the most exciting new novelist to come along since Mr.
Norman Mailer. We met in the park last week. I was sitting there, reading Tommy's latest book and he came over and offered to autograph it for me. We've just been inseparable ever since.
Waiter: Hey, Cochran! What are you sitting with the guests for? It's time to serve the main course!
Tommy: You want me to come back after dessert?
Blanche: No.
Tommy: Do I have to give back the $25?
Blanche: Yes.
Tommy: I don't think that's fair.
Blanche: Then give me ten and get out of here.

Quote from Sophia

Host: And now, for the moment that you have all been waiting for. The winner of the Best Friend of the Year Award is Miss Sophia Petrillo.
Sophia: I'm very proud to win this award. Who would have guessed an old lady with a tin can could raise so much dough? I would like to thank you all for choosing me to be the Best Friend of the Year. I'm a very lucky woman. Not only do I have a lot of friends in this community, but I have a lot of good friends at home. Friends who care about me and care about each other. I count my blessings every day, because I have the kind of friends who stand by you through the bad and the good. When you're lucky enough to find that kind of friendship, I guess you just want to pass it on. Wait. May I say a few words, just to my friends 75 and over? I'd like you to take a good look at your dates for this evening. Now take a look at mine! Stand up, Raoul! The man is half my age. Isn't he gorgeous? Let's give us both a big hand!


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