Blanche: You don't have to worry about me. I never get sick. I take very good care of myself. I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

Sophia: In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelle. Whatever you had, she had a cure. She was best known for this green salve she used to make to treat ear infections. One day, she gave a batch to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put it on his linguine instead of in his ear.
Dorothy: I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.
Sophia: As it turns out, it wasn't such a bad thing to do. The stuff tasted great and Salvadore decided to market it. At first, it didn't move so well. Linguine With Ear Salve on a menu doesn't look too appetizing. But once he changed the name to pesto sauce, it moved like hotcakes.
Dorothy: Ma, you're making this up!
Sophia: So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.

Blanche: Girls, I did it! I finally broke down and bought that dress I've been eyeing for a month.
Dorothy: I thought you were gonna wear the silk one you wore to last year's banquet.
Blanche: I changed my mind. I decided too many people would recognize it. It is such a stunning shade of green.
Sophia: The only thing they'll remember is the way you fall out of it.
Blanche: Oh, Sophia!
Sophia: If you asked people the color, half of them would say flesh-tone.

Blanche: All right, I want an answer and I want it now. Which one of you has been dipping into my Vicks VapoRub?
Rose: I took it. And my chest was already completely coated! I did it out of spite because you lost the pre-measured cup off my Nyquil.
Dorothy: Rose, I took your stupid cup. And do you know why? Because I feel lousy, and being mean to you makes me feel better.
Rose: Dorothy Zbornak! You can go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks!
Dorothy: Double hockey sticks?
Blanche: Oh, what language! My ears are burning! Rose Nylund, you know what you are? You are an A-1, first-class, all-around nerd! [Rose starts crying] Oh, honey, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. Oh! It's just this flu is making me crazy!

Blanche: Dorothy, where's my heating pad?
Dorothy: How should I know?
Blanche: If this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.

Sophia: Stand up straight.
Dorothy: I am standing straight.
Sophia: You're slouching. You try to pretend you're not tall. You do it all the time.
Dorothy: I do not.
Sophia: Yes, you do. Ever since you changed schools in the fourth grade, the kids thought you were the substitute teacher.

Blanche: Well, I don't have a date yet either.
Dorothy: Blanche Deveraux can't find a date?
Blanche: Oh, don't be ridiculous! My only problem is trying to decide which of my many suitors to flatter with an invitation. After all, it's the social event of the season.
Dorothy: I guess you'll just have to break a few hundred hearts, Blanche.
Blanche: I know. I haven't had to disappoint so many men since Daddy tore down the tree house.

Rose: Does anyone know where the aspirin is?
Dorothy: Buffered, time-release, or synthetic?
Rose: Time-release, I guess.
Dorothy: Capsule, tablet, or liquid?
Rose: Gee, I don't know.
Sophia: Don't take the one with the childproof cap. You could die before you get it open.

Blanche: Oh, I feel just terrible! My eyes are all puffy, my nose is red, my glands are swollen. Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

Dorothy: Who am I kidding? I'm not gonna be able to go to that banquet. None of us is. We won't be better by then.
Sophia: Fine, can I have your date?
Dorothy: Of course, Ma. You can have my date, my dress, and my dessert at the dinner. Just leave me alone with my thermometer and the one nostril I can breathe out of.