‘The Flu’
Season 1, Episode 21 - Aired March 1, 1986
Dorothy, Rose and Blanche are at each other's throats when they come down with the flu ahead of an important banquet.
Quote from Blanche
Rose: Oh, come on, girls. Now, let's put on a happy face. We'll get better much faster. My cousin Dennis was the perfect example of that. When he was 16 years old, he caught his sideburns in the hay baler. And then-
Dorothy & Blanche: Shut up, Rose.
Rose: Well, excuse me. I didn't realize it was Gang Up On Rose Day.
Blanche: I have been cooped up listening to your stupid stories for three days now. You're just lucky it isn't String Rose Up From a Tree Day.
Quote from Sophia
Sophia: By the way, I just called Harriet McConnell to cancel your reservations to the banquet.
Dorothy: Oh, thanks, Ma.
Sophia: She was very disappointed you all aren't coming. And I think it's because one of you won the big award.
Rose: You mean the Best Friend of the Friends of Good Health Award?
Sophia: Yeah.
Blanche: Why, what'd she say?
Sophia: It wasn't what she said, it was what she didn't say.
Rose: What didn't she say?
Sophia: How the hell do I know? She didn't say it!
Quote from Dorothy
Dorothy: [clears throat]
Rose: Dorothy, please, why don't you use your handkerchief?
Dorothy: Doesn't anybody remember all the good work that I have done?
Rose: Not really.
Dorothy: I was co-chairman of the committee to raise funds for the new blood mobile. I sold 49 cases of peanut brittle!
Blanche: You really think selling candy's gonna qualify you for that prestigious award?
Dorothy: Oh, excuse me. I didn't realize that slipping my tongue to half the firemen in the county was a more lofty social achievement.
Quote from Sophia
Host: And now, for the moment that you have all been waiting for. The winner of the Best Friend of the Year Award is Miss Sophia Petrillo.
Sophia: I'm very proud to win this award. Who would have guessed an old lady with a tin can could raise so much dough? I would like to thank you all for choosing me to be the Best Friend of the Year. I'm a very lucky woman. Not only do I have a lot of friends in this community, but I have a lot of good friends at home. Friends who care about me and care about each other. I count my blessings every day, because I have the kind of friends who stand by you through the bad and the good. When you're lucky enough to find that kind of friendship, I guess you just want to pass it on. Wait. May I say a few words, just to my friends 75 and over? I'd like you to take a good look at your dates for this evening. Now take a look at mine! Stand up, Raoul! The man is half my age. Isn't he gorgeous? Let's give us both a big hand!
Quote from Blanche
Blanche: Everybody, I want you to meet my friend, Tommy Cochran. Sit down, Tommy. Tommy's a writer. According to the New York Times, he is the most exciting new novelist to come along since Mr.
Norman Mailer. We met in the park last week. I was sitting there, reading Tommy's latest book and he came over and offered to autograph it for me. We've just been inseparable ever since.
Waiter: Hey, Cochran! What are you sitting with the guests for? It's time to serve the main course!
Tommy: You want me to come back after dessert?
Blanche: No.
Tommy: Do I have to give back the $25?
Blanche: Yes.
Tommy: I don't think that's fair.
Blanche: Then give me ten and get out of here.
Quote from Blanche
Blanche: Dorothy, where did you find him? He's disgusting.
Dorothy: Well, at least I have a man.
Blanche: Have one? Sounds like you swallowed one.
Quote from Dorothy
Blanche: What's the matter, honey? Aren't you feeling well?
Rose: Just a little achy, that's all.
Dorothy: Achy? What kind of achy? Headachy, stomach-achy, back-achy, what achy?
Blanche: Well, Dorothy, relax. It's probably just a little cold. She'll be all right.
Dorothy: Yes, but I won't. I hear a story about somebody catching a cold and I get one. I am very susceptible. I have low resistance. I have a tendency to be anemic, right, Ma?
Sophia: You're a hypochondriac.
Dorothy: That, too.
Quote from Dorothy
Blanche: Oh, I feel hot!
Dorothy: I feel cold!
Rose: I feel guilty. This is all my fault.
Dorothy: Oh, no, Rose. It's all my fault. The minute I found out you were contagious, I should have thrown you out on the street.
Quote from Sophia
Sophia: I can't believe it! Vinnie Bataglia, the biggest jerk I know, just turned down my invitation to the charity banquet.
Dorothy: Ma, if he's such a big jerk, why'd you ask him in the first place?
Sophia: Because he's the only guy my age who doesn't wear his pants up to his chin. I hate that.
Rose: Personally, that never bothers me. It just looks so painful.
Quote from Sophia
Dorothy: Ma, do you mind answering that?
Sophia: Why not? Maybe I'll get lucky. What am I talking about? If I was lucky, I'd be shacking up with Cary Grant.