Dorothy: No, honey, she won't budge. I don't think we're going to be able to move it.
Rose: Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now, we can move this toilet.
Dorothy: Fine, get me 20,000 Hebrews and I'll have it out of here in no time.

Rose: Blanche, honey, calm down. Let's talk it out. You'll feel better.
Blanche: Oh, there's nothing to talk about. I already know what both of you are gonna say. Dorothy will say he's too good to give up over something like this and she'd marry him. And you'll say he's been nothing but trouble from the start and you wouldn't marry him.
Rose: I'd marry him!
Dorothy: Oh, I wouldn't.
Blanche: What?
Dorothy: Well, no! I don't want to be a mother again either.
Rose: Oh, I'd love to be a mother again.
Dorothy: Scrubbing socks, picking up toys?
Rose: Tucking in beds, packing healthy lunches.
Dorothy: Phone calls, pajama parties?
Rose: Dance recitals, baseball games.
Dorothy: Cooking?
Rose: Singing.
Dorothy: Worrying?
Rose: Praying.

Sophia: Dorothy, I got to talk to you. I owe you a big apology.
Dorothy: For what, Ma?
Sophia: For what I said before. About you not knowing a thing about plumbing. Dorothy, you're a genius.
Dorothy: Ma, wait a minute. What are you talking about?
Sophia: I walk into the living room and there's a toilet in front of the television set. It's an old lady's dream come true!

Blanche: Well, I hardly ever see Richard. Today was the third time this week he's had a last-minute meeting and I had to spend the day with the kids.
Dorothy: He's a busy man.
Blanche: Too busy. Even little Richard came up to me and said, "Now, don't worry. This happens all the time."
Rose: Little Richard was in Bermuda?
Dorothy: Yes, Rose. He was burying Fats Domino in the sand.

Rose: Dorothy, do you want to do the honors?
Dorothy: Maybe later. In private.
Rose: No, I mean fasten the floor flange. That's all we have left to do.
Dorothy: No, honey, you go ahead. Later, I'll break a bottle of champagne over the flush valve.

Rose: What about the good things, like Mother's Day? Oh, the Mother's Days we used to have on the farm. First of all, the kids would wake me up by brushing our cat, Mr. McTavish, against my ear. Then they'd give me breakfast in bed, Belgian waffles and buttermilk. And then they'd paint faces on their socks and do a little puppet show called "Elf Kingdom."
Dorothy: And then everybody would tickle each other until the whole family was throwing up together.

Blanche: Oh, girls, I'm just so glad you're still up. Wait till I tell you about my date!
Rose: Wait till I tell you about my discovery!
Dorothy: Let's hear it.
Rose: It came to me when I was enjoying my second cup of Ovaltine-
Blanche: Richard flew me to Atlanta for dinner in his private jet!
Dorothy: You're kidding.
Rose: -and that's when it hit me. We don't even need our sludge tube.
Dorothy: Rose.
Blanche: And then for dessert, he took me to this most romantic little bistro. And while the waiter was glazing my peaches, Richard leaned over and took my hand. And you know what he said?
Dorothy: What?
Rose: Our biggest worry will be tank sweat. [off Dorothy and Blanche's look] Sorry.

Lou: [holding a toilet] Plumber.
Dorothy: Could I see some identification? Come on in.
Lou: So you two are the proud parents of the new Dolan Standard Lowboy.
Dorothy: Yes, we're sending out engraved announcements.
Lou: You probably want to get her operational as soon as possible. After all, she's quite a showpiece. Where do I install it?
Dorothy: Well, actually, Lou, we're going to install her ourselves. Follow me.
Lou: Hold it. You're not serious?
Rose: Why not?
Lou: Well, ladies, the installation of a toilet's a very delicate procedure. You got to go to school, you got to be a trained technician. You got to be a man, for God's sakes!
Dorothy: You know, to tell you the truth, Lou, women are capable of more than just cleaning these things.
Lou: Is that so? Well, as long as you ladies are playing plumber, why don't you play moving man, too?
Dorothy: Fine, fine, we will!

Sophia: Was that a plumber?
Dorothy: No, Ma, no. It was a little girl selling Girl Scout toilets.

Dorothy: Rose, come on. Do you really think we could do it?
Rose: It might take a little time, but we'd sure save a lot of money.
Dorothy: Then let's give it a shot.
Sophia: Great, my unmarried daughter wants to spend her weekend with a toilet. Now I can die in peace.
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, could I please borrow your long rhinestone chain?
Dorothy: Of course, Blanche.
Sophia: Why not? What's Dorothy gonna do with it, snake out a toilet?