Dorothy: I'm gonna do it, Ma. This is my shot. They're taking applications beginning Monday morning. I am going to be the first in line.
Blanche: Make that second.
Dorothy: What are you talking about, Blanche? You've never cared about Jeopardy.
Blanche: No, but I do care for Alex Trebek. You see, I've never had a Canadian who wasn't on skates.
Dorothy: I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Blanche: I have this recurring fantasy. "Take me, Alex. Take me, now," I tell him. And he says to me, "Ah, ah, ah, Blanche. In the form of a question."

Rose: Oh, he's adorable! Oh, I love you already. In fact, I haven't felt this way about a dog since... Since Rusty.
Dorothy: Oh, God, not the Rusty story again.
Rose: Charlie brought him home as a present after our first child was born.
Blanche: Oh, I wish we had a doggie door so I could push your head through it.
Rose: Oh, he was the best. Trustworthy, loyal, smart as a whip. Oh, I really thought Rusty was gonna be with our family forever.
Sophia: Dorothy, do we have any candles? I'd like to drip some hot wax in my ears.
Rose: Then one horrible, horrible night, our house caught on fire, and it was Rusty who awakened everybody. It was Rusty who pulled us all to safety. He even dashed back in the burning building to rescue Scruffy, our cat.
All: Whom he never really liked.
Rose: Yes, sir, he was a real hero. Oh, if only he hadn't gone back in for the TV. He was a dachshund, for God's sake. I mean, what made him think he could carry a TV?
Sophia: You know how pig-headed the Germans are.

Blanche: Hey! That slipper is from the Mamie Van Doren collection!
Dorothy: Will you look at that? Man's best friend chasing man's best friend.

[dream sequence:]
Dorothy: I demand a ruling.
Alex Trebek: Well, you happen to be in luck. Because waiting in the wings right now is the only man in America who knows more than I do about this subject. The creator of our show, Merv Griffin.
Merv Griffin: Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, Alex. Dorothy, this is my show and I say the correct answer is Cary Grant. Just like you see in that fine portrait there.
Dorothy: Mr. Griffin, please, you are the most beloved man in America. You are bright, you are- You are charming. You are the anti-Trump.

Coordinator: Okay, players, prepare to play the final simulated game of the day. Our contestants. Professor Reginald Bradley of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Dr. Julie Steever, chief of neurosurgery, Victory Memorial Hospital. And Dorothy Zbornak, a substitute teacher. All right. Our first category is English History. "Shared command with Cromwell in victory at Naseby."
Dorothy: Who is Baron Fairfax?
Coordinator: That is correct.
Dorothy: [exclaiming] Ooh, that was a snap. I thought this was gonna be a challenge, but, you know, then again, I've always been a student of history. Ah, maybe history has never been your subject-
Coordinator: Ms. Zbornak? Can we continue? I'm afraid this is the point where Alex would politely tell you to shut up.
Dorothy: He would, and he should. I mean, after all, he is the moderator. And the function, if not to-
Coordinator: Shut up.

Sophia: Pussycat, leave a few scraps for the other two nudniks. You never know when I might need a good neurosurgeon.
Dorothy: Ma, these people are not nudniks. They are brilliant, accomplished scientists, and I'm wiping the floor with them.

Dorothy: It's been two days. Why haven't those Jeopardy people called?
Blanche: Dorothy, I'm surprised at this reaction. God knows you've had your share of experience sittin' by a phone that doesn't ring.

Blanche: [whispering] Dorothy? Where are the Ural Mountains?
Dorothy: Well, well, well, Blanche. A pot of lip gloss and a tube of Maybelline can't help you now, can they, Blanche?

Blanche: [to a man] Hey. I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

Sophia: Dorothy, get some sleep. You're being too intense here. Don't you remember that spelling bee in second grade? You beat all the kids so bad they wouldn't invite you to any birthday parties.
Dorothy: Ma, that had nothing to do with the spelling bee. The kids were just jealous of me. Jealous. J-E-A
Sophia: All right, all right.
Dorothy: Besides, Ma, all that studying paid off.
Sophia: Oh, yeah, paid off. You got knocked up in high school.
Dorothy: Ma, I am 60 years old. Why do you have to bring this up every day of my life?
Sophia: So it won't happen again.