Blanche: You know, Dorothy, I think maybe you're being too hard on her. I know how difficult buyin' shoes can be. Sometimes you get yourself a really good-looking salesman and you try to pretend you don't notice his hands caressing your calf as he tries to keep his mind on shoes, but all the time he's thinking, "Dare I peek? Dare I look more? Dare I look where no eyes have looked before?" And then, as he kneels there before you, little beads of perspiration breakin' out on his forehead, his breath comin' shorter and quicker, he ever so gently slips the supple leather on your quivering foot, and you achieve a perfect fit. Come on, old woman, we need shoes now!

Blanche: Sophia, there's somethin' I don't understand. Now, you're always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean. That's part of your charm.
Sophia: Thank you, you bed-hopping relic. [Blanche pops Sophia's balloon]

Dorothy: Ma, you wear those shoes because they're the only shoes you say you can wear. Whenever we get you other shoes, you say they're uncomfortable.
Sophia: I'm cursed with these square feet. When I was a girl in Sicily, we were too poor for shoes, so I wore olive oil cans.

Peterson: In your own words, Mrs. Petrillo, the words of a beautiful, dignified person who's got a wild bod for a chick her age, what kind of person is your daughter?
Sophia: She put me in a home.

Rose: "Miami's sordid sex scene. Who's to blame?"
Dorothy: That's her. She's the one.
Rose: Oh, no. This isn't about Blanche. Now that I'm associate producer of Wake Up Miami, I have to come up with topical show ideas for sweeps week. I need something that'll give us really big ratings.
Blanche: And I will have you know there is nothin' sordid about my sex life. Nothin'. Oh, great, now I'm depressed.

Dorothy: You know what I hate about sweeps week? The news. It's sex, sex, sex. Why can't they do serious stories? Stories with political relevance?
Blanche: Yes, like, "Sex in the new Russia. Is it worth standing in line for?"

Rose: Well, I've been working on a whole list of ideas that have nothing to do with sex, but they keep turning me down.
Dorothy: Oh? Like what?
Rose: Well, things I think people would be interested in. Like, "Who's in charge of cheese?" Or, "Lincoln: Great statesman or gas-guzzler?"
Dorothy: "Idiots in positions of power."
Rose: Good one.

Blanche: Well, Dorothy Zbornak, now, shame on you. She is your mother. She's 85-years-old and she wants a new pair of shoes. How many more chances do you think you're gonna have to buy her shoes? Oh, what I would give to be able to buy my mother shoes one more time.
Dorothy: You wanna take her?
Blanche: Screw that, she's your mother.

Angelo: Hello, Rose. Is Dorothy here?
Rose: Oh, no. She went with Sophia to get shoes.
Angelo: She hates taking Sophia for shoes.
Rose: I know, but Dorothy decided to go when Sophia and Blanche started talking about whether or not Sophia should put on underwear. They said it'd be fun to scare the hell out of the shoe salesman.

Blanche: The point I'm trying to make is, your behavior in this shoe thing is extreme, even for you. What is goin' on?
Sophia: Well, Dorothy always makes me buy the same old lady shoes. I never get anything new and exciting. It's just another reminder of what old age takes away from you. First husbands, then cute shoes. What's old age gonna take away from me next? Hey, where's my balloon?