Dorothy: Can you believe Ma, trying to go to Sicily on my credit card? She would've made it, too, if her chef's knife hadn't shown up on the scanner.

Blanche: I've been thinking about what we should do in case they do send Sophia off.
Dorothy: Oh, what, appeal?
Blanche: No, a party, a prison party. I made a list of all the men we should invite. And we'll be like the judges. "I sentence you to ten minutes with me on the lanai." See, some can be convicts and some can be guards. What are you looking at?

Sophia: Can I tell you something, Pussycat?
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: I've never been so scared. Not so much of jail. It was not being here with all of you. Only seeing you for ten minutes a day on visitors' day. That's not enough time for Rose to get one of her St. Olaf stories off the runway. All I'm trying to say is, maybe you're not much, but you're all I've got. Am I crying, Pussycat?
Dorothy: No, Ma.
Sophia: I guess it wasn't as touching as I thought.

Detective Parres: Hello. I'm Detective Parres, Dade County P.D. Does a Sophia Petrillo reside here?
Dorothy: This is my mother. Is there a problem?
Detective Parres: I'd just like to ask a few questions.
Sophia: I've got nothing to hide, copper. Or do you prefer "flatfoot" or "gumshoe"?
Dorothy: Before my mother lost it completely, she watched a lot of James Cagney.
Sophia: They colorized him. Can you believe it? Let the man rest. He's got hair the color of Rose's and more rouge than Blanche.
Blanche: Whatever you think she did, she's guilty. I saw her.

Detective Parres: Mrs. Petrillo, where were you on the night of September 4th, 1985?
Sophia: Did you see Awakenings? Throw a ball at me. How the hell should I know? I don't even remember what color underwear I'm wearing.
Dorothy: Ma, the beginning of September. That's when Shady Pines burned down and you came here to live with us.
Sophia: Oh, yeah. I'm not wearing underpants.

Detective Parres: Mrs. Petrillo, were you acquainted with the late Maria Heartgrove?
Sophia: She died? Good riddance. God rest her soul.

Detective Parres: We have a deathbed confession from her stating that the two of you started the Shady Pines fire.
Dorothy: Why, that's ridiculous. What did you do?

Detective Parres: She claimed that on the night of the fire, the two of you were in your room cooking s'mores.
Sophia: Nonsense. I don't even know what s'mores are.
Rose: You remember, Sophia. They're those little toasted graham cracker and chocolate sandwiches.
Sophia: Marshmallow. Don't forget the marshmallow.

Detective Parres: In her deposition, Mrs. Heartgrove said that you were in possession of an illegal hot plate, and while you were cooking, the curtains caught on fire. Then you panicked and fled, and the fire continued unchecked.
Blanche: Now wait just a minute. This is crazy. Do you have any proof? Did anybody find that alleged hot plate?
Detective Parres: Presumably it was lost in the fire.
Sophia: Maria was just out to get me. She was always jealous because I still had my own hair.

Sophia: So this is life on the outside. It's changed. You've all gotten so old.
Dorothy: Ma, knock it off. You were gone an hour. If anyone's upset, it should be me. I had to dig up the bail money.
Sophia: Please. How do you put a price tag on getting your mother back? What was it, $500?
Dorothy: $5,000.
Sophia: Wow. I better improve my attitude around here.