Rose: I sure miss a traditional St. Olaf Christmas.
Dorothy: Excuse me, Rose, do we have time to run out and get hit by a bus?
Rose: First there'd be the Christmas pageant, with the shepherds and the angels and the two wise men.
Blanche: There were three wise men, Rose.
Rose: Not in St. Olaf. Then we'd all go down to the town square and try to form a circle. And then we'd all go home and smoke kippers.
Blanche: Why, Rose?
Rose: Because it's the best way to get your house to smell like kippers. And then in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, it was traditional to let all the animals sleep inside that night. And then, the next morning, the rumors would start. And they'd continue until New Year's, and we'd all make resolutions that it would never happen again. But then, the next year, all it took was a little eggnog and one wise guy saying, "What the hell! It's Christmas."

Reverend Avery: Well, before we open the doors, I just wanna thank you all for taking time away from your own Christmas to provide Christmas for some that are less fortunate. We promise to turn away no one, remembering how Mary and Joseph were turned away at the inn.
Rose: Reverend Avery, it's always puzzled me, why didn't Mary and Joseph call ahead for reservations? Surely they must have realized how impossible it is to get a hotel room during the Christmas season?
Reverend Avery: I guess that's one for the theologians, Rose.

Sophia: It's a nightmare. We've been visited by the yutz of Christmas past.

Dorothy: You know, actually, this is one of the best Christmases I ever spent with Stan.
Sophia: It was pretty nice.
Blanche: I can't remember feeling this proud of myself so early in the evening.

Dorothy: Oh, boy, it is hell out there. Oh, it must be at least 103, and the mall was impossible.
Sophia: Did you get something for the grandchildren?
Dorothy: Oh, please. You know, Robbie wants a Batman hat. I went to six different stores. They were all sold out.
I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it. Oh! I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead just for a Batman hat, but I did it anyway. I got the hat.

Blanche: Sophia, you were just putting me on about those eels, right?
Sophia: Please! In Sicily, it wouldn't be Christmas without a plate of eels. Eels and larks.
Blanche: Larks? Honey, larks aren't eating birds, they're singing birds.
Sophia: They don't sing long in Sicily.

Sophia: Hey, I got an idea. We got all these fruitcakes from this Christmas, last Christmas and the Christmas before that. Why don't we gather them all up and...
Dorothy: And what? Build a bomb shelter?
Sophia: No. We can unload them. I mean, bring 'em to the church for dessert.
Rose: Well, actually, I think that's very nice. Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy!

Rose: [humming "Jingle Bells"] Hey! [continues humming]
Blanche: Rose, for the past half-hour, you've been humming "Jingle Bells" and yelling "Hey!" Now, why must you do that?
Rose: Because it's too hard to hum the "Hey!"

Rose: I mean, when you think about Christmas, don't you think about giving gifts?
Dorothy: Yes, but that's not the first thing. When I think of Christmas, I think of Christmas in New York. The decorations in Macy's window, the show at Radio City, skaters on the ice at Mitsubishi Center.
Sophia: In the old days on Christmas Eve we used to go to midnight Mass, remember, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Sure I do. Oh, Ma, the music and the candles, it was beautiful.
Sophia: And the Mass was in Latin, a fine old Italian language. Now, who knows! Sometimes it's in English, sometimes Spanish. If you ask me, they should go back to Latin, the language Jesus spoke.
Dorothy: Ma, he spoke Hebrew.
Sophia: Even in church?

Rose: Here it is, my present from Kirsten. Oh, she always knows just what her mother wants. Ha ha! It's a St.
Olaf snowball.
Blanche: Rose, there's nothing in there but snow.
Rose: That's what St. Olaf looks like in winter.