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‘Mary Has a Little Lamb’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Mary Has a Little Lamb

513. Mary Has a Little Lamb

Aired January 6, 1990

Dorothy and Sophia try to help a neighborhood teenager who's pregnant. Meanwhile, Blanche tries to avoid an inmate she's been writing after he is released from prison.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Maybe there is something I can say. And I want to apologize for this story before I begin. Have you ever heard of a little town called St. Olaf?
Fred: No.
Dorothy: Perfect. Now, as it was told to me - and I have to admit that I wasn't listening that closely - there was this farmer named Nils Nibelung, and he had a pig named Brunhilde, and she won all the blue ribbons at all the county fairs. Well, Nils also had a daughter named Fricka, and she won red ribbons - usually as runner-up to the pig.
Fred: Does this story have a point?
Dorothy: You asked that at just the right time. Anyway, one April, Nils decided to breed Brunhilde - that's the pig, not the daughter - and he chose April because that's when pigs are at their most beautiful and desirable. Unfortunately, so was Fricka. So while Brunhilde and the pig were doing their thing, Fricka and the local pig breeder were doing theirs. God, I hope I got the names right. Anyway, when Nils heard about it, he banished Fricka from his house and his life forever.
Fred: So?
Dorothy: So after a while he lost interest in the pig's company and he ate her. And he died St. Olaf's loneliest man.
Fred: Is that the end of the story?
Dorothy: God, I hope so.

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Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Maybe we should sign Mary up for some natural childbirth classes.
Dorothy: That's not a bad idea. I wish I'd known about them when I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do, except scream at Stan never to touch me again and call him every name in the book.
Rose: Rough labor?
Dorothy: Rough conception.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Where are you gonna go?
Blanche: I'll be staying with my friend Janet. She said I could spend the night there anytime. Or was it her husband Ed who said that?

Quote from Rose

Mary: I'll come back tomorrow and get the rest of my stuff.
Sophia: Keep us posted. Let us know how you're doing.
Rose: Don't forget, Tuesday we have mime class.
Dorothy: Mime class?
Rose: The Lamaze class was all filled up.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, she doesn't need those classes. I think women ought to have babies the way God intended: strapped to a table, numb from the neck down.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: These letters are just a fantasy. The man is in prison for the next 20 years for armed robbery.
Dorothy: Blanche, I don't think it's right to lead the guy on like that.
Blanche: Why not? The poor man is surrounded by concrete and bars. What's wrong with bringing a little joy into his life?
Rose: Nothing at all. Back in St. Olaf, our justice system is very progressive. Their motto was, "Use a gun, go apologize."

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Oh, I loved high school. It seems like only yesterday, riding around with the boys in their cars, and the dances.
Dorothy: Don't forget the Hindenburg disaster.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, look who's here.
Sophia: Oh! So, Mary, when's the baby due?
Dorothy: Ma, you're talking to a 16-year-old girl.
Sophia: A knocked-up sixteen-year-old girl. [Mary nods]
Dorothy: Ma, how did you know?
Sophia: Because you had the same look of panic on your face when you got pregnant. Kind of like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. I thought only pregnant teenagers had that expression, until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Now, you come into the kitchen with me, honey. I'll get you some pickles and ice cream.
Mary: Oh, no, thanks. I don't have any strange cravings yet.
Rose: Strange?

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: I cannot believe her father could be so mean.
Sophia: Not half as mean as his dog Samson. Did I ever tell you what that dog did to my friend Ida Silverman?
Dorothy: No. What?
Sophia: He ate her. Gobbled her up without a trace, support hose and all.
Dorothy: Ma, Ida's daughter told me she moved to Fort Lauderdale.
Sophia: The woman's in denial. I saw that dog with Ida's blue scarf in his mouth, and no one has seen her since.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Listen, this is the most difficult thing for a father to accept.
Mary: What, that I'm a grown woman?
Dorothy: But you're not a grown woman. Just because the plumbing's in doesn't mean the house is ready to occupy.
Mary: I think I know what you're getting at.
Dorothy: Good, because I really didn't make that up myself. I heard it on This Old House.

Quote from Dorothy

Mary: Well, I tried talking to my father, but he just went all crazy when I told him.
Dorothy: That's what fathers do - they yell and they barbecue. That's what separates them from the apes.
Mary: Well, what did your father do when he found out you were pregnant?
Dorothy: He chased Stan for three blocks with a salami.
Mary: How come?
Dorothy: They don't leave marks.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: We were just explaining to Merrill that there's no telling when Blanche will be back.
Blanche: Oh, Lord, no. There's no use waiting around. You wouldn't like Blanche anyway.
Rose: She's not your type.
Blanche: That's right. She isn't.
Rose: She's very cold.
Blanche: Frigid. Hardly likes men at all.
Rose: And she's ugly. Isn't she?
Blanche: "Ugly" is a pretty strong word, Rose.
Rose: And wrinkled. Isn't she?
Blanche: She is not wrinkled.
Rose: And fat.
Blanche: Stop that! You just stop that right now. She is none of those things, Rose Nylund. She is gorgeous. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!
Merrill: All right, all right. Sounds good. Tell Blanche I'll be back. [exits]
Blanche: And stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: It's not up to us. It's up to her father.
Dorothy: Oh, I tried talking to him. He won't answer his phone calls or the messages that I leave in his mailbox.
Sophia: First he lets his dog eat Ida, now this. I'm mad as hell! Let's go over there.
Dorothy: No, Ma, Ma, I don't think you should go. This is a very sensitive situation, and it's gonna take a little patience and understanding.
Sophia: That's perfect. All I have is a little patience and understanding.
Dorothy: All right, all right. But when we get there, remember we are trying to make peace. So whatever you do, don't bring up Ida.
Sophia: I won't - as long as the dog doesn't.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Fred, I think I know how you feel about Mary.
Fred: No, you don't.
Sophia: You feel, because Mary went out and got herself pregnant, she's a slut. Well, let me tell you what a slut is. It's someone who gets knocked up in the back seat of a Studebaker at a drive-in movie. It was a Studebaker, wasn't it, Dorothy?
Dorothy: It was a Nash, Ma.
Sophia: Now, that's a slut.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Doggy, I don't know if you noticed, I'm all skin and bones. Oh, I shouldn't say "bones." Now where was I?

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: [answering phone] Hello? Merrill! My God! Where are you? Jail? Well, they only allow you one phone call, and you called me? What? I'm wearing a green silk pant suit. Underneath? Well-
Dorothy: Oh, give me that!

Quote from Dorothy

Fred: And, Dorothy, thanks for all your help. Maybe we can get together soon and you can tell me all about that St. Olaf. Sounds like a good place to raise a daughter.
Dorothy: ... I was desperate!


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