Previous Episode Next Episode 
Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas

‘Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas’

Season 5, Episode 12 -  Aired December 16, 1989

When the girls volunteer at a church to feed the hungry on Christmas day, they run into Stan, who has been kicked out by his wife.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Come on, Stanley, you've been down before. This is the nature of your business. Why don't you go home and enjoy Christmas, then face the future tomorrow?
Stan: I can't go home.
Dorothy: Why not?
Stan: Catherine threw me out.
Dorothy: Your wife threw you out? I had no idea she was that bright.

Rate

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: What happened?
Stan: Catherine accused me of infidelity.
Dorothy: Oh, dammit! Stan, this makes those infidelities during our marriage seem much less special.
Stan: Why did this have to happen to me? Broke and homeless on Christmas, why me?
Dorothy: Why you? Why them?! Look around you. You're not exactly alone. This is probably the only Christmas these kids are gonna have. Think about that for a while. It might take your mind off your own self-pity. I've gotta go back to work.

Quote from Blanche

Reverend Avery: In fact, what happened to Dorothy's ex-husband is not that uncommon.
Rose: Really?
Reverend Avery: You'd be surprised how many people are only two or three paychecks away from being on the street. The suddenly poor are all around us. And once you've been knocked down like that, it's very hard to recover.
Dorothy: What's going to happen to all these people?
Reverend Avery: I don't know. There's no affordable housing, the rents keep going up and up, and the minimum wage has been held down.
Rose: Seems so unfair.
Reverend Avery: Well, that's because it is. There are three million homeless, hungry people in this country.
Blanche: What bothers me is, those people out there are being fed today because it's Christmas, but what will they eat tomorrow?
Reverend Avery: When the great communicator talked about his vision of a city on a hill, I wonder if it included people sleeping on gratings in the street.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: Dorothy, Stan's out there feeling so sorry for himself, he's bringing down the homeless.
Dorothy: Blanche, will you take over for me?
Blanche: What are you gonna do?
Dorothy: I'm gonna go and try to make Stan feel like a whole man again.
Rose: Anything you need?
Dorothy: Yes, half a man.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I forgot to wish you a merry Christmas.
Stan: Some Christmas.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Stanley, you're the most fortunate person here.
Stan: Big deal!
Dorothy: Stanley, you've always been able to turn bad holidays around. Do you remember the Christmas we were so broke that you actually convinced the kids that Christmas was the 26th, and then you went out and got a Christmas tree from somebody's garbage? You trimmed it with gum wrappers and pull tabs. And then you turned on the television, and they were playing Jim Thorpe - All American, and you told the kids it was King of Kings.
Stan: And they believed it, too.
Dorothy: Right up to the part where Jesus had his Olympic medals taken away for playing professional baseball.
Stan: That became sort of a tradition with us.
Dorothy: Yeah. You had ingenuity then. You didn't let anything beat you. And you can do it again, Stan, if you just work hard and turn on that Zbornak charm.
Stan: I am pretty good at that.
Dorothy: Oh, you could charm the pants off anybody. I have to believe that. Otherwise, I was easy.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: But, Dorothy, it's different this time. Sure, sure, I've scraped the bottom of the barrel before, but this time I don't even have a barrel!
Dorothy: Oh, Stan, will you stop whining? It's pathetic.
Stan: That's the most effective way to whine. All I need is a few bucks, just a little seed money.
Dorothy: OK, OK. Here, here. Stan, take it.
Stan: Attagirl. To show you how much I love you, I'm not even going to count it.
Dorothy: I hate you, Stanley. You are the lowest.
Stan: I'm sorry, Dorothy, if I am no longer the man you divorced.
Dorothy: So am I.
Stan: I'd love to stick around and be belittled-
Dorothy: Fine, fine. You've eaten. Go somewhere else and wallow.
Stan: You better be careful, Dorothy. You're not the only ex-wife I have.
Dorothy: Then why do you keep bothering me?
Stan: You're the only one who answers the door.

Quote from Rose

Reverend Avery: Well, I guess that about does it. All the food is gone.
Sophia: Except the fruitcake. I don't get it. There's more now than when we started.
Blanche: I just wish there was something more we could do for these people.
Rose: Especially the children.
Reverend Avery: Yes, I know. I'm supposed to look after their spiritual needs, but even I can't help thinking they have other needs that are far more pressing.

Quote from Dorothy

Reverend Avery: Well, I'd like to thank you all very much for coming. I wish you every blessing for the New Year.
Stan: Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho! Here's Santa, with toys for all the good boys and girls. Ho-ho-ho! Have you all been good boys and girls?
All: Yeah!
Stan: Ah! Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: And, you know, Dorothy, I apologized to my wife, and in the spirit of Christmas, she's letting me come back home.
Dorothy: Great. In that case, you can give me back the $60 I gave you.
Stan: Well, when I apologized, I said it with flowers.
Dorothy: What, $60 worth?
Stan: Dorothy, I may be a lot of things, but I'm not cheap. [exits]

 Page 3